Guilt of seeing people/businesses

[westbarn]

Hi, I am new. I am just about ready to file bankruptcy (before this year is out). Whether I do it myself or an attorney hasn't been decided.

Background..successful in RE business for 7 years. Flipping houses, selling for profit. Sole proprietor. Husband has midlife crisis, finds girlfriend for attention, quits job. I am left paying the bills (not knowing about the affair). Long story-short...Our house is being auctioned next week, car impounded this summer, another repossessed. Savings long gone. Loss of house has hit me hard. I've been here 14 years.

My issue...although the things started falling apart over the last 15 months, initially I was devasted over the inability to pay over 80K in business debt and one personal $20K debt. I had a great reputation here and all these people I owe money to live and work in the same area. People talk and every now and then I bump into someone who says "i ripped them off". Truthfully, I never intended to have everything fall apart simultaneously...re market, husband, credibility.... I feel tremendous pain and guilt almost constantly.

My daughter is 16 and has one more year left of high school, so I would like to see her through to the end of her senior year here. I don't want to leave this wonderful area I live in either. Does it ever get better?...the feeling of guilt? and shame?

My soon to be ex-husband doesn't work, I provide for my daughter and I and it is peanuts. I don't even know where I am going to live next month. I am driving a 92 subaru with 150,000 miles on it and receive assistance because my husband is a dead beat. I am going back to school for a career change given my past job as builder/renovator/ house flipper is done.

This is probably too long..but I had to get this out...thanks.

[Bandit]

Guilt of seeing people/businesses

You know something, I recently had this hit me smack in the face not to mention I was literally smacked in the face that caused this. I was driving to work & began to realize that at almost every intersection there is a building with an institution that I owe money to. It was at first embarrasing & scary to me.

How in the world my life could take such a spin in just a mater of 5months from being completely debt free to now oweing every bank or every other store on the planet just boggles my mind, all because I fell down.
I do have a good place to live but is getting to the point I will need to borrow money soon to pay the rent & that is not because I don't work or make enough money.

Does it ever get better?...the feeling of guilt? and shame?

Does it ever get better? I don't know & not any time soon that I can see for myself. However the guilt & shame that you feel will indeed start to diminish once you face everything head on. I know that is hard to believe at this point, but it will & you will start to feel better, come out fighting & be victorious just like the others here.

I am driving a 92 subaru with 150,000 miles on it and receive assistance because my husband is a dead beat.

This is another thing I can relate to. Why does my truck keep breaking down when I have put so much money & time into fixing it? WHY?!
You are not alone, westbarn

I never intended to have everything fall apart simultaneously...re market, husband, credibility.... I feel tremendous pain and guilt almost constantly.

Nobody intends on it all happening & falling apart at the same time & we just keep looking for some kind of comfort or promise that this is all going to work out & get better.

Your post is very real & felt by many people here because at some point we all feel like caged rats & start scratching & digging for answers & hope & whatever it takes to survive is what we will do. That is all human nature to want things to get better & what you feel is normal in these circumstances because the brain cannot reconcile with all the problems & how to fix them at the same time.
You can't blame yourself for everything either. Like you, I keep hitting nothing but red lights & problems & I just keep telling myself that there has to be a turn that is going to end all this pain & misery.

You will find some very good people here who feel your pain & they will support & help you get through what may be one of the hardest times in your life.

[Westlane]

...i felt like *%#! too even though all the problems im facing were not my fault (literally). Then i researched the history of bankruptcy and found out the reason they call it Chapter 7 in federal court. And that made me feel a lot better!

[leftyf]

ok, I'll bite...why do they call it chapter 7?

[Westlane]

well just a hint...
in part its history is based on the year of Jubilee!

[SinkingFast]

My daughter is 16 and has one more year left of high school, so I would like to see her through to the end of her senior year here. I don't want to leave this wonderful area I live in either.

Fortunately our Son graduated HS before the collapse. Our daughters, on the otherhand, were between their Sophomore and Junior years in HS when we moved the. At the time, it was devastating for the girls.

Now, in retrospect, the girls are glad we got the move out of the way prior to filing. All their old friends back home know nothing of our BK. They still treat the girls just fine. Our whole family is still well thought of.

So that's a point to consider as well.

As lovely as the area is where you live now,.......... Your child may pay at school once word gets out. Kids can be vicious.

[Elaine 07]

Guilt

You are not alone trust me on this one. I will be discharged two years in February 08. Sometimes I wonder if the guilt will ever go away. These events definately were not your fault. You should have no shame and you are exactly right that is what Chapter 7 was made for. I have been a lurker on this site for some time. I have followed advice about rebuilding credit. It is possible trust me. There is some excellent advice here. I went from pre-bankruptcy score of 480 to now post bankruptcy score of 692. I have been careful made every payment on time. Hoping for a mortgage in summer of 08. Keep your chin up and start rebuilding. Follow the advice here it has helped me greatly. Elaine 07

[westbarn]

To all who replied, I am grateful for the support. It is unbelievable to be going through this alone. Thanks.

[Bandit]

well just a hint...
in part its history is based on the year of Jubilee!

if you are talking about the year of Jubilee where every seven years if someone could not pay a debt or could not pay it back within 7 years, then everyone in debt was forgiven & set free of the debt & that goes way back thousands of years into bible times.

Yes indeed, every seven years they did that. Thank God something in the bible makes sense

[Westlane]

if you are talking about the year of Jubilee where every seven years if someone could not pay a debt or could not pay it back within 7 years, then everyone in debt was forgiven & set free of the debt & that goes way back thousands of years into bible times.

Yes indeed, every seven years they did that. Thank God something in the bible makes sense

Right On! Every 7 years the captives were set free and all debts were forgiven!
...now if only my creditors will cooperate

[MomIcantFindmy]

My daughter is 16 and has one more year left of high school, so I would like to see her through to the end of her senior year here.

We are staying here too for our youngest daughter to finish high school. We are very open and honest with our children about what is happening and why. We have found that almost everyone one we know right now is in financial straights. The people with huge houses and the people with small cottages...it doesn't seem to matter. I also think the stigma of BK is lessening.....or maybe it is just my hope that it is.

As soon as our daughter graduates we are moving.....we really can't afford to stay in this community.

[westbarn]

I know what you mean about being able to afford your community. In my case, it will just be me because my 23 and 21 year olds are living on their own and I will most likely be divorced. So... I hope to find something reasonable here and travel too. Well that's my dream anyway I've been here for 27 years and have no desire to move back to my hometown even though it would be cheaper, the opportunities and quality of life is important too...

[rrockinggramma]

I filed chapter 7 in 01 and like the rest of you my world collapse began in 1999 when my now ex had a stroke. In 30 seconds, my life changed, just like that. Now we had built up quite a house of cards in the meantime, so it wasn't all his fault, poor guy. My kids all had new cars and some had more than 1 (can't drive a mustang in michigan winters ya know etc) I made some really dumb dumb moves. In 1999 I ask my mother (now 85) to mortgage her free and clear house for us. She did it. I would pay her mortgage of course and pay my mortgage and pay off everything else with the money she gave me. Well I paid off everything but the cars (not enough) but all cc debt was gone. Well my ex's soc sec disability took a little longer than we planned and his medical ran out at work, and you all know the rest. I couldn't pay either mortgage let alone the cars. So we filed chapter 7. My family (brother and sisters) were furious with me. Not only did my mother now have a mortgage she couldn't pay on her income, I took all the money and still couldn't afford my own house etc. For me, I never thought that my lifestyle was out of whack and needed to change. I always thought that "if I just had another 1000, I would be ok" Well that never happened of course. But I was shunned by my family. At first my mother joined in and she had every right to be upset. She sold the house, paid off the mortgage and moved into an apartment. I went into severe depression, thought about ending it all, til my therapist helped me see that I was still an ok person that made some really bad choices. But life is full of second chances. But in the interim, my kids lost their cars, I lost my house, and I ended up moving from place to place leaving behind rent deficiencies etc while I tried to pull my life together. My ex and I separated, then divorced. My mom and I have now reconnected. I cannot change what happened in the past. I cannot undo what has been done. But I can have control over my future and not make the same mistake again. My mom has forgiven my debt to her (and put me back into the will which has made my brother and sisters even more mad at me, which will never be any better) And I have realized that I can't control how anyone else sees me or thinks of me. I can only take care of me (and my family). Prepare your daughter for what might come. Be open and honest with her and support her. And know that you are still ok as a person despite it all. Your mission now is to make your life better so you don't repeat history. So to all of you out there, there is life after BK. Bad things do happen to good people.