Need some advice... going to meet some new family

[tinroofrusted]

So this weekend, my intended and I are going to his sis's house in Cincinnati. Apparently we are staying there, with her, her husband, four bratty children, (that are to be my nieces and newphews) and several pets.

In my family, there are no small children. My sister and I, and my cousins were all taught that children are to be seen and not heard, and we were on our best behavior at all times, or we got our butts beat.

We are staying there for three days. Does any one have any suggestions as to how to enjoy myself? These children are not well behaved, they are materialistic, and are wild. It drives me nuts to be around them for longer than a couple of hours, and we are going to be there for three days.

And then I think too, what do I do when I have children of my own?!

Whining absolutely drives me insane. It wasn't allowed in my house growing up, and to hear it now as an adult makes me want to pop every kid in sight right in the nose. Their littlest one ONLY whines... I don't think I have ever heard him say a sentence.... just whines.

I am getting depressed. And this weekend is my birthday.

[Genenco]

Well, I'd tell my betrothed that "I'd REALLY prefer a hotel" that way, you can say:

"Oh, we're so glad to meet you, but this town is so interesting, I must get out and see some more!"

That way, you get bugged, but not too badly..Patience dear, we can choose or friends, but not our family...(Or in-laws)

[StaciMM]

Just remember-its 3 days an then its over, and they're NOT your kids!

Not all kids are like that, and its up to the parents... There is no magic trick, but my advice is love 'em alot, set the ground rules, and be consistent when they break them. (If you tell them 'do this' and they don't, and nothing happens, why should they listen to you?)

[Minnymouth]

Tinroofrusted,

Now that you are meeting the "family"........ there's several guidelines to follow:

1. Never tell anyone how you would raise their kids!!

2. Make friends with the family pet (you'll do great here).

3. Don't discuss your personal life - the least they know
the better in the future.

4. Be yourself - but don't over-do it!! Don't try too hard!!

5. Grit you teeth when it comes to criticizing anything or
anybody...

6. Remember, you are on "display" like a Macy Store
Christmas scene is too the public.

7. Enjoy your visit (yeah - sure).

WHO KNOWS - you just might FIT IN JUST GREAT!!!!

[Zapata]

Man, I would make real sure that my bethrothed knew that he could never ever ever ever plan a 'family visit' on my birthday weekend - EVER. Or, I guess it's ever again since it happened this year.

Great advice above about holding your tongue about how your family raised kids.

Kids are smart. If you are kind and firm with them from the get-go... they will actually acede to your way of dealing with them. They actually LONG for structure and predictability. Hence the whining since their mom and dad just let them twist in the wind. So they act out. Don't let them act out with you.

A good strategy is to bring a game or an art project that is age appropriate for ALL OF THEM. Break that out early in the visit... and you can 'guide' the kids to be happy and content. Your game/art project... your rules. They will love the whole new fun activity with their new auntie.

So, instead of trying to ignore the kids or 'just deal' with the chaos that their parents create (resistance is futile and resisting what we fear just makes things worse).... take the opposite tact: find a way to make the weekend about them and for them. You may just find that you will just love the little tykes.

Ideas for projects: jewelry making (takes a long time....requires concentration and positive interaction).

Also, do some research on some cool things to do in their town/city and TELL your bethrothed to plan and TAKE THE LEAD on getting you two out of the house together, alone. He owes you the break. Don't let him make you the bad guy by making you announce solitary plans. Remember.. this is his family, and it's all normal and less aggravating for him... so he will be able to easily morph into one of them!

Good luck.

God. I went with a bf to his mom's for the week of my birthday in the winter. He never told her it was my birthday till the very end of the day. We spent the day 'sightseeing.' In Idaho. In the dead of a cold winter. In a very cold car. We drove and drove and drove up these icy highways. It was abysmal. At the end of the day... I asked the bf where my birthday present was. "I didn't think you wanted one." grrrrrr. Oh, that year, he signed me up for a year cell phone contract. Didn't need or want a cell phone at that time... but was stuck with that bill for a year. Not that I have to mention it.. he did NOT become my bethrothed. lol

[StaciMM]

I never understood the concept of giving someone something like that... "Here honey, I got you another monthly bill!"

Oh, that year, he signed me up for a year cell phone contract. Didn't need or want a cell phone at that time... but was stuck with that bill for a year. Not that I have to mention it.. he did NOT become my bethrothed. lol

[Kam]

<LOL> Idaho huh?

I do hope you will give Idaho a second chance. I can't speak for southern Idaho, but northern Idaho is beautiful.

Other suggestions while visiting your future in-laws:

1. Do help out in the kitchen, whether it's cooking or cleaning. SIL will appreciate that.

2. What Minny said: don't criticize how the kids are raised.

3. Offer to take the pets out for a walk. That will get you out of the house.

4. Passionate romance between you and your fiance should probably be left at home or in a motel room somewhere <lol>. In fact, that might be a way to get some quality time alone, drop little innuendos that chocolate, whip cream, sparkling cider and strawberries are best enjoyed *alone*.

5. If #4 fails, tell hubby-to-be that you like to feel at home and you don't think his family would enjoy you parading about in just your underwear and camisole.

6. If #5 fails, tell hubby-to-be that you think you might have a cold coming on and that it probably would be best to have a motel room, "just in case."

7. As was suggested earlier, take the initiative and do some online research about where you are going. Any local hot springs? Are there any restaurants/cafes/bistros/delis that offer special discounts for birthdays? Any local wineries that offer taste testing?

8. Bring a long a pair of ear plugs?

In any case, Happy Birthday Tin! I know you will survive the weekend.

[robivi3]

Tin, I know the feeling. I have a brother in law with some shameful stories and it has made for intersting times. I can't stand his little girls. He was 36 and took a 19 year old wife from Colombia, she was from a pretty poor family and has turned arrogant as hell figuring that her Miramar Townhome with postage stamp yard is just the greatest thing! And the beautiful furniture with plastic covers, WOW!!!!

The brats are cute, horribly spoiled and harrass my Dog, an absolute no-no here. Folks visiting from Colombia swear they hate that home and end up at our much more humble place, but what I don't bother telling them is that Miramar may look prettier but is a far lower scale neighborhood than Sunrise, a paradise to third worlders but a "pretty" but overcrowded RUDE rodent hole to those of us who fled further North and payed more for FAR better schools and less traffic years ago. In afew years Miramar will be Hialeah with no code enforcement and Semi's parked in the front, seen it before and screaming Merengue all day on Saturday.

Love my Mother-in-law, love my wifes cousins and especially her late uncle Socrates, could stay at his house all week. The first thing we do is put on Charlton heston and Sofia Loren in "El Cid", 1965 and Socrates would tell me in Spanish for the 5000th time how he was in the Airport in Barranquilla when Heston and Loren arrived. I would enjoy it no end. He would always fall asleep during the movie. he was an upholsterer for Avianca and AeroCondor and did beautiful work, raised seven great kids who all call on my wifes birthday and some are in the Ministry.

You will have good and bad in the family of your intended. Get through the bad, enjoy the good. If I could come from Tennessee and find happiness in a family from Colombia you will find it in yours also.

[sunshine08]

Three days aint forever. The more you dread it the worse it will be. Remember, you don't have to spend all of your time with them. Get on the internet, maybe there is great "window" shopping to do or somewhere close to go interesting. Also, help with the chores, you are busy, out of sight out of mind. Like the idea about some games to bring, etc. You can't buy them, they just want you to think you can. When you can't take it, have an excuse ready, go outside, take a bath, suggest to "honey" take a ride and look at the Christmas lights. Also, gently remind him that it is your birthday and you want a little alone time. Trust me, keep busy. Keep personal life to self, change the subject to them.
Chant this over and over to self:
"I can pick my nose. I can pick my friends. I can even pick my friend's nose BUT you are stuck with family. Take them as a they are.
I have a step daughter that is the DRAMA QUEEN OF GEORGIA. She has the couth of lightening times three.
Hang in there, remember 3 days.

[StaciMM]

I'm starting to feel bad... You all have stories about your inlaws-I don't but my DH does!

[sunshine08]

Don't feel bad, be glad. People at my office can't wait to hear what "new: drama is going on in my life. The more I try and avoid it the faster it chases me I think. I may change my name to #1Drama.
BY THE WAY - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TINROOFRUSTED.

KEEP US INFORMED AND REMEMBER WE WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

[StaciMM]

I feel bad because in alot of ways, fared better w/ inlaws than my DH. I love my family, I'm just glad that its mostly from a distance!

Ps-I haven't told DH that my parents will be here for Christmas...

[Minnymouth]

StacciMM,
It's best that the "show up" unannounced sometimes otherwise spouse says "you got explain to do"!!!!.

I have 2 sister-in-laws - 30 years now - I stay in KY they stay in Ohio, lol...... They hate each other - and they both just "tolerate" me....... Usually an argument if they both show up on the same weekend. They don't come often (for which I'm glad). Get tired of play referee all the time. They make my brothers "happy" - SO that's great!!!

TINROOFRUSTED - HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL

[StaciMM]

What I'm saying is DH's family is great (so I have wonderful inlaws) and my family is the problematic one (so dh tolerates them when he has to).