son out of control

[brownlayde]

HELLO I Have A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SON WHO HAS BEEN GETTING IN TROUBLE LATELY ABOUT A MONTH AGO HE TOOK MY CAR HIT A CURB OR SOMETHING AND DENTED MY RIM I HAD TO REPLACE THE RIM BUT HE WILL NOT ADMIT TO DOING IT BUT I KNOW IT WAS HIM ,JUST LAST NIGHT (MAY 4) I GET A CALL FROM THE SHERIFF,S DEPARTMENT AND THEY SAID THEY HAD MY SON AND TWO OF HIS FRIENDS IN MY CAR ,NOW I,M NOT THE TYPE OF PARENT THAT BELIEVES IN BEATING A CHILD I BELIEVE IT JUST DOESN,T WORK SO I AM A DISCIPLINE PARENT THAT BELIEVES IN PUNISHMENT HE HAS BEEN ON AND OFF PUNISHMENT FOR SEVERAL WEEKS FOR DIFFERENT THINGS AND IT JUST ISN,T WORKING HE STILL SEEMS TO BE GETTING IN TROUBLE , DOES ANY ONE HAVE ANY IDEAS OR SUGGESTIONS THAT MAY HELP ME WITH MY SITUATION.IT WOULD GREATLY BE APPRECIATED

[Minnymouth]

Okay,
Since you see a problem coming, it's time to correct it as it develops.

Right now the car and usage is a problem.... your car or his????

Yelling won't solve the problem, that's for sure, with a 16 year old. Ya gotta get them where it HURTS THE MOST....... their "fun and games!!!

If it is your car - Let him know your car is not at his disposal. He will have limited usage from here on.......

Does he work???? Student????

16 - needs a part-time job!!!!

Try sitting down and talking to him about the situation. Don't yell or talk down too him - (like many parents do) - talk to him like he's an adult...... (and shock the daylights out of him) say "we have a problem that we need to discuss and we need to find a solution" to the problem.
Try to discuss the situation and problems in a quiet, reasonable manner....
Discuss the situation and your concerns regarding the issue - tell him its up to him to 'FIND THE SOLUTION" to the problem......
Set your boundaries that you expect and demand of him as a son in your home! When he gets on the defensive - ASK FOR HIS INPUT......
Tell him it is up to him to make the changes and correct the problem - or you will have too!! Let the decision be HIS to start!! And see what he does!!

If he is totally defiant, unreasonable, and flat right refuses to discuss or solve the problem - THEN - you lay down the laws of the household, what you expect and demand of him!!!

If the auto is yours - pull the car keys till he can prove he's worthy of using it again... (walkin ain't crowded) - and nobody says you have to supply him with a car to have a good time at your expense.....

Cut back on his spending money if you supply that also.... put him in a position of YOU WANT - YOU WORK!!!! Believe me, his friends are NOT going to support him very long...... or spend their hard earned money on him.....

A taste of reality never hurts a teenager....... that's how they learn....

You like driving mom's car - then you best be taking good care of it....
abuse that right - YOU WALK!!!

You probably pay all the insurance on it also..... let him pay his portion of the insurance.... (boy will his eyes open wide when he see's how much that is)....

Try the conversation first - give him options, listen to what he has to say.... and keep us posted on how it went......

Remember you are the adult - he is still a kid....basically...

[jane taylor]

I couldn't have said it better, Minny. Brownladye, I also have a 16 year-old son who has had his share of growing pains/testosterone poisioning over the last year. He has ADD which complicates things, but doesn't excuse poor choices. We've found that natural consequences work best although it's the hardest thing in the world to do. They have to learn from experience. I do think a part-time job would be helpful and that he needs to bear some financial responsibility. We are living with the "entitlement generation." Their premise is, "I exist; therefore, I am entitled." WRONG!!! Not in my house. So what if the Jones' kids have it. We are not the Jones' and I am not their momma.

Believe me, so much easier said than done. Venting here has been a Godsend, I'll say it again. BK affects everyone including the kids. It is really hard on teenagers who have pressure anyway.

Talk with him and don't be afraid to admit that you've gotten angry and maybe not handled it too well at times. He will appreciate your honesty and you will be modeling responsible behavior.

Hope this help.

jane

[gacreditguy]

I totally agree with the two posters above.. However, if it were my mom I know EXACTLY what she would have done.. She would have given me a swift kick in the a$$ and dared me to drive her car again! Gotta love a good ole country mom. She raised two boys here that NEVER gave her a problem..

[edwards2]

Boy can I relate to you guys...we have a 16 year old male too...he is the youngest of our 5 children. He is a honor roll student with lots of friends at school and worked last summer for a CPA firm. He is respectful and just when we think we know him he does something to make us again proud to be his parents...those are the positive things...on the negative side...he bows too much to peer pressure...case in point a few years ago he nearly died from alcohol poisoning because he and another kid(male) decided to have a drinking contest. By the grace of God these 2 ladies who live a street over from us saw 2 boys dragging him down the street and called 911. The paramedics were there in a few minutes and we got the call that is a parents nightmare at midnight from the police saying he was unconscious. The thing is I thought something was wrong with the way he acted when he called me earlier that evening. He wasnt drunk but I should have gone with my instincts...anyway I rode in the ambulance to the ER. The paramedics were great - they told me the minute I jumped out of the car that he would be okay. We were in the ER for hours. The ER dr told us his alcohol level was off the chart. I called(at midnight mind you) parents who had kids at this party - we thought he was elsewhere...another story....and asked them what happened. Apparently the parents of one of the girls at the party gave them the booze. Doesnt excuse my son but what stupid parents would do that.....The police went out to the house but of course the parents denied it and all the kids were gone. I thank God my son survived it....a year later he goes to another party - this time sipped a beer...but was in a car(mine) with 2 friends...fortunately my son wasnt driving. The policeman(a grad of the school my son attends) cut us some slack...he said he wasnt drunk and wasnt disrespectful and wasnt driving but he could, if he wanted to, arrest him with just for having alcohol on his breath...he was 15 then...the first thing my son said to me was he was sorry...I told him that worked when he was 2 but not now and I wasnt going to allow him to screw up his life if I had to chain him to his bed. Fast forward to now he has pretty much walked a chalk line. I can see that he has matured since all of that happened but he is still 16 years old. He has 2 jobs lined up this summer. We were told by a school counselor that the best thing for a male teenager is to keep him busy so that he doesnt have time to get into trouble. That's what we are doing. I can truly feel your pain because they are at an age where they think they know everything....For consequences we take things from him and ground him...for instance...we bought him a used truck to drive to and from school and work. He is responsible for the gas...when he acts up the truck is parked.
There is no handbook to raise kids unfortunately, but we parents do the best we can just as our parents did. We have a network of parents that compare notes....on a regular basis. I know the parents of most of my son's friends and the ones I havent met he is not allowed to stay overnight with. Even with all of this monitoring they can and will get into trouble but we as parents have to be consistent and firm. Boys really want and sure do need discipline...we have 4 boys....good luck...keep us posted...and stand your ground no matter what. They will hate you now and thank you later...it is a matter of tough love...anyone can tell them yes....I wouldnt yell and scream either but you have to let him know you have the parent card...

[Minnymouth]

gacreditguy,

YEAH, my mom would have "stomped my brains out" and took the keys..... no questions asked.....

Different times, different generation, different laws regarding child abuse!!!

These days you can't even hardly yell at the kid, much less spank one..... without getting arrested..... and believe me these kids KNOW IT TOO!!! They are learning this in pre-daycare.....

Raise your voice and listen to a 4/5 year old say "you can't talk to me that way - I'm a person and I have rights"! You can't spank me - I will call social services on you!!

Teenagers thrive on FREE TIME, MONEY, PHONES AND TRANSPORTATION......

Take away one of those - and you will start getting their attention..... jerk two of those priviliges and YOU GOT THEIR ATTENTION REAL GOOD!!! You don't even have to raise your voice................lol.

It's hard being a teenager right now...... so much crap out there!!!

All teenagers need to learn responsibilities, where the hard earned money comes from (and who is paying the freight for them), and just how far a dollar WON'T GO!!!! They need to learn respect for their parents.

A child only knows what they are taught and what they learn... A teenager is the same way only a little older and a little wiser...... especially at pulling the wool over your eyes....

[jane taylor]

Sometimes I put myself in Time-Out!

[SinkingFast]

In addition to the good suggestions you've gotten from above,.........

Sounds like your son needs a new group of kids/people to hang out with. You may need to be actively involved in seeing that that happens.

If your son is in school, get the school involved. Our old school was great about helping caring parents nip this kind of thing in the bud. Athletic team coaches would take him under their "wing" and have him doing all kinds of stuff after to school to keep him busy. If he cooperates and works on turning himself around, the Coaches will keep working with him too.

If he's a brighter kid, maybe get him involved in tutoring and mentoring a younger child from the middle school as an after school program. If your son isn't gonna pay you for the wheel, make him work it off in community service.

Little Leagues and other ball associations around the country are in full swing right now. They always need help setting the fields for games, mowing, umpiring, and such. That's a place for him to spend time, maybe make a bit of money, and give back to the community.

He's old enough now that no amount of taking priveledges is gonna affect his choices. You talk and all he hears is "Wah wah! Wah wah! Wah wah!" You've got to be proactive in a total lifestyle change for him.

Maybe you need to take him for a little visit to the Juvenile Authorities and let them show him what happens to kids that do bad things and get caught. Depending on the laws of your State, your 16 year old can be prosecuted as an adult. Let him spend some time with the County Sheriff or other local law enforcement. Make sure he sees the inside of the jail, up close and personal. He's got to see for himself, the consequences of his actions, and where the path he's choosing may eventually lead.

Just some thoughts for you from a parent of 3 teens.

We've been blessed to never have to deal with this. But I also scared my kids to death with the police and/or store security when they were much, much younger. And our kids have always been actively involved in school, church, and community activities. They weren't scheduled out the wazoo, but they did have a good balance of free time and scheduled events. If they signed on for something and realized 2nd practice it wasn't for them,....... Tough. They were stuck with it to the end of the season.

And hide your car keys! Keep them on your person at all times. Don't leave them in your purse or hanging on the key hook. Get you one of those slinky type, rubbery necklaces or a lanyard and wear them around your neck. If he can't get the keys, he can't take the car.

[SinkingFast]

One suggestion from personal experience.

Son got mad one night, grabbed his car keys, and spun out of the driveway. After he settled down he came home.

Dad and I are the official title holders of the car.

I told son driving when he's mad like that is totally irresponsible. If he ever pulled a stunt like that again, I would call the police and report the car stolen. He would be arrested.

I've told the same thing to our daughters as well.

If they are not responsible with their driving priviledges, then we'll see to it that they get arrested for driving our car without our permission.

[sunshine08]

OK - Now here is where I have some professional and personal advice.
# 1 - whose car is it? If it is yours, besides being the parent, by you letting him use your vehicle, you open up many cans of worms. Depending on what state you are in too. My sons brought old clunkers and had to pay insurance, put gas in it as well as try and keep it running - which leads to them getting a part time job. I have found in my profession (I also teach Driver's Improvement and the stories I hear about what the parent's don't know about), that the kids take better care of something that they have had to earn the money to buy or maintain. ie, 16 yr old in class, mother brought him a Toyota Camry, loaded, has a credit card for gas, appears to not have a limit either, well from his summer job he brought high dollar rims. Trust me, all we heard about was about his rims. He parks his car in the garage. He keeps the rims polished, etc. He MADE his mother carry extra insurance on the car to insure the rims. When asked who was paying for the class, the attorney, the ticket, and the insurance, Mama. He had no clue as to how much it was costing, didn't care either. He also proceeded to tell me about how his friends had gotten tickets and it was almost a rite of passage for them, and there was no repercussions for it either. Also, mama followed him to the class to make sure he was there on time.
# 2 Don't know what type of punishing you are using, but it doesnt seem to be working if he has gotten in this much stuff in a short period of time. What matters the most to him? Use that. Make it specific with a set time limitation, stick to it to, not even time off for good behavior. This generation has some master manipulators in it. Grounding just means that. Taking privileges are just that. He needs to one, own up to what he has done. Two, he needs to repair or replace, or at least "work off" the damages. He has to take responsibility for his actions. Three, they know the buttons to push. ie, getting them somewhere they need to be, its easier to let them drive themselves. Don't, if you can't take him, or a responsible adult can't, Oh well, he can stay home. Letting a bunch of teenagers out with a vehicle is asking for trouble. What they wouldn't do as individuals, I promise when they get together, the peer pressure is to hard to ignore. In NC we have graduated license, part of that limits times they can drive and who and how many can be in the car with them.
Recent situation here, 4 boys skipping, senior skip day, little drinking, little pot smoking, souped up car, speed, road with many nasty curves, end result 3 are dead by lunch. All "good" boys. Kids don't have the experience and the reflexes a more seasoned driver has.
I am not trying to preach, being a parent is a tough, thankless job. Kids need a lot of guidance and supervision, especially at this age. Also check in to him taking a defensive driving class, there will others in their close to his age as well as older drivers. Check with your local MADD chapter and see what advice they have. (not saying your son was drinking either, they just have info geared for various age groups)
LASTLY, keep him from under the wheel until he shows you he can do like he is supposed to. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!
Good luck, it doesn't stop when they get 18 or even 21.

[brownlayde]

son out of control part2

just to make i couple things clear #1 my son doesnt have a permit or a driver,s license so he does not have permission to use my car he is taking the car late at night when everyone in tha household is sleeping ,#2 i have been taking things away from him including him going outside to hang with friends which he loves to do . when i ask him what does he have to say about the things he,s doing he has no excuse or remorse for what he has done he constantly lies about everything and nothing i seem to do is working , i,m now considering putting him in to this sheriff ran boot camp that we have in our county i hope this works for him its call operation right track , i thank you all for your help and advice it,s really some useful information and it,s good to see that i,m not alone

[SinkingFast]

Tough Love is very hard on parents, Brown. But sometimes it's the only thing you can do to save your kids from themselves.

Check out that Boot Camp and see if you think it will help your son.

And DO NOT beat yourself up over this. He's making the choices. Not you. As his parent it's your duty to try to teach him the right way to live. If this is what it takes because he's so hard headed, then go for it. Take comfort in the fact that you know you are doing what's right for him in the long term. If he turns himself around, GREAT. If not, you've done all you could to see that he became a better person.

[jane taylor]

Most definitely do not beat yourself up. Parents are not perfect. We all make mistakes. Our son has ADHD and has had a rough year with getting into a little trouble, a girlfriend, mine and Dh's illnesses, and BK. He has broken up with the clingy, whiny girl, is working, and we are working to put this BK past us (even though we're in a 13!) and do the right things. I am better physically and mentally these days and it does help. It's true that "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Keep talking to your son and PRAY if you are so inclined. I have to keep praying. Also, reinforce the good things that he does. Sometimes kids can feel so "beat down" that they get frustrated and say, "What the hell, I'm a loser anyway." It's a tough balance and I wish I had all the answers. I'd be a rich woman and have fewer wrinkles and gray hairs!

Hang in there with us--we're here for you. If you ever need to vent more, you can always PM me.

jane

[sunshine08]

Go check out Operation Right Track. Find out the ins and outs. See if they will let you observe. Sounds great. Check with your local National Guard Unit, In NC we have what is called Tarheel Challenges. Kids are exposed to a military way of life, discipline, tough love, challenges both physical and mental. If he doesn't want to go, use a little gentle persuasion, he has broken the law by taking the car, he could be charged. There are probably a lot of kids there having a hard time growing up and he could relate and be challenged to be his best. I have been involved with these programs, they work GREAT especially if the kids have a strong support group @ home. So don't wait, explore your options.
(also a word of advise, if he was to wreck your vehicle or hurt somebody, your insurance company pay off damages to your car, you could also be held criminally & civilly liable for his actions. ALSO, keep your keys hidden!!!! Be proactive.)

[robivi3]

Kid in a car Florida in my name. NO WAY!!!! You couldn't afford it here! Right now number 1 son, no job, no prospects for one, about to get canceled. And i quit paying the insurance, I ain't made of money. Had told him back in August. Get a job and save, I will only pay this for awhile. He got the job, spent, the Company went under, he refuses to work Friday Nites or Saturdays due to this Lubavitcher Cult he has been involved in (that's another story). His dress and appearance makes him unemployable. We are not Jewish and have no "network" of Hasidic friends and businesses.

Well, as Transit goes we have a 45 million dollar fuel shortfall, so Overtime which was bringing in an extra 2600.00 per month has but shut off (it always comes back but this is dead serious, the fuel pinch is hitting trains and buses, BELIEVE ME). This happens in this industry, it is feast or famine. You work it when it comes. He has grown up knowing this and is well acqainted with the ups and downs. He knew it was coming as did I. we tighten up a little and muddy through, believe me, i still get paid very well but SoFla is EXTREMELY expensive to live in. When he was on my AIG policy my coverage was $9200.00 per year, so each kid has to get their own policy with a rinky-dink company, a major one won't take them as a first time Florida driver. He has a mom and pop operation that covers next to nothing (10,000/20,000 per accident property damage only, no collision coverage, no uninsured motorist, no passenger medical, he is over 18) and costs 200.00 per month. I have 100,000/300,000 with all the bells and whistles, the privilege of age.

So, as blessed as I'll tell you I am, we do have difficulties. He is extremely intellectual and that has become an impedance, the pride of speaking alot of languages and such and being well read. No drugs, no car wrecking, etc... but this is nearly as bad, it has and is creating problems. I've bailed him out monetarily for quite awhile and it has been a spoiler, no more. Intellect will get you only so far, you have to get your hands dirty to make a living sometimes.

Just a rant, sorry, but it gets to me. Especially, "oh Dad so and so and i went such and such", "yes, that's nice, did they give you a job?". At 16 i was already a mechanic helper and wanted money badly! The same for my brother!