just found out spouse hid debts

[nottold]

I found out last Sunday evening that my spouse has been accruing about 50k in cc debt in his own name being sent to po boxes. I never knew. We have some joint accounts. I don't want to file and one bk atty said i didn't have to. we own and are not behind and never have been. I'm so scared. I make very little as I am the primary caregiver to our child. I never imagined this could happen to us. We are seeing another BK atty tomorrow. He just began a new job. will they find out? I have been reading these messages over the last week and they have been very informative. I feel so stupid. Any help from what happens now will help! This will be a chapter 7 the first bk atty says.

[FilingOnMyOwn]

I'm sorry nottold, and its not your fault. You dont' have to file bk yourself and you shouldn't, however the only way to get rid of your joint accounts is for him to pay them off. I know thats a moot point, however I think its important you make it very clear to your spouse that he pays off the joint accounts FIRST. You can verify this from time to time on your own credit reports, if you feel your trust is being broken.

[nottold]

trust was obliterated last Sunday. Thanks for the advice.

[BKOnce]

Lesson learned too late...

[JRScott]

You shouldn't feel stupid, your spouse on the other hand should feel stupid. They should not have kept the debt from you.

I assume at this point the creditors are coming for him.

I hope the lawyers can help you through this time.

[wrinkleigh]

Notold,

I think you are a very strong woman. You will get through this.

We are here for you.

[nottold]

Thanks so much to you all. Spouse meeting w/ another atty this a.m. I am running the gamut of emotions. Very angry. Trying to maintain for my child. Spouse is afraid I am going to leave. I know this is the beginning of a lengthy process. True enough I found out a little too late. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope we can save our house. Don't know if I want to stay in the house w/Him even if we can.

[nottold]

and yes creditors are coming after him via his cell. That's how I found out. I never in 14 years of marriage looked at his cell then went to use it when mine died and asked what all the crazy numbers were for. He refused to tell me. I thought it was another woman! He finally fessed up when he realized there was nothing more he could do about the debts and knew it was coming out soon enough. The problem I have is that he didn't come to me with it-he got caught.

[tradewiz50]

trust was obliterated last Sunday. Thanks for the advice.

Maybe a lawyer that specializes in divorce as well as bankruptcy is in your best interest.

[JRScott]

I might suggest a marriage counselor. It might be good to also try and sit down and make sure there are no more surprises. I would only pursue a divorce or seperation after all other options fail. You've had fourteen years together and yes I'll admit hiding this much debt was a collosal mistake but try to work to restore the trust if you can.

[DeadManCrawling]

JR has a really good point.

14 years is a long time together, and a lot of love obviously went into the marriage or it would not have worked so long.

In the big scope of a lifetime, things may look a little different. None of us have LIVED your life or marriage, so these decisions on how to handle the feeling of betrayal can only come from within you.

The debt, the bankruptcy, those are temporary things.

The betrayal-well, that depends on the two of you. If you can open communications again, it might be worth forgiving. We all make mistakes, even gigantic ones, and I can imagine or surmise some of the reasons you weren't informed. Guilt perhaps being at the top of the list.

You note that he just started a new job. Does it pay better? Was he using the cards for his own personal stuff, without telling you? Or was he using them to fund the "style of living" he thought the family deserved, hoping to catch a break and figure out a solution later? If this is the case, many men (myself included) might feel the urge to hide the issue. For me, and other men, admitting that you can no longer support your family as they are accustomed to is akin to admitting total, dismal failure-not only in work, but in life. We are taught from a young age, generally, to be the "hunter-fighter" types, to go out and conquer, win the meat, and bring home enough to provide for our families.

As if that isn't bad enough, we are also taught that we must be the "strong ones", the problem solvers, and so forth. When something like this blows up in our faces, I am afraid we feel very much alone on the limb we grew all by ourselves.

Not trying to make you feel sympathy for whatever the exact circumstances are, just to explain a different perspective.

-dmc

[alh]

I have to agree with JR as well. Of course I don't know the whole history. It also would depend a great deal on what the debt that was accumulated was for. Was it purely selfish debt rung up on himself, or was it used to supplement an income for the family over time. Things can snowball really quick and before you know it you don't know how to tell somebody something.

I guess I would just suggest that you don't make quick decisions in a very stressful time.

[nottold]

Hi DMC

You've hit the nail on the head. The debt started out as making up for months when we were short. Now, I did not know we were short because he would go right to the bank that day and put the money in. He would try to make payments from other cards and so on and so forth. Believe me I've not stopped thinking of the burden he was carrying around. If he had told me but he said as you've said that he felt a failure etc. Now as to the marriage, I will not leave this man. I have loved him through thick and thin and he me. I often think if I had done this would he have stood by me. The answer is yes. He's a wonderful father too. Admittedly the first day I nearly jumped ship. The very next day we went to see a therapist we had seen years ago(who took us in right away) they told me not to make any decisions at the very least for a few months. I've already made my decision and while yes I'm very angry (and no I'm no doormat) I am trying to see this from all perspectives. Also, we've spoken with our parish priest and we're working with him on that. Maybe this was a good thing that happened(in some twisted way) so that yes we are communicating now like never before. His new job does pay better but not enough to pay bills that in principal addded to about 10k and balooned to 50k. Sorry to run on. I haven't heard my husband talk so much as in this last week and a half. Our priest says that many go through this and come out fine at the other end. Will keep you posted as the filing and such. Thanks again to everybody.

[nottold]

Thanks JR and I have asked about any more surprises. He said that that was enough for him in one life time. We do have a marriage cousnselor and are working hard to keep things on an even keel for our family. I do however ask him a million times a day about everything now. I never did before.

Nottold

[HenriettaHen]

"The debt started out as making up for months when we were short. Now, I did not know we were short because he would go right to the bank that day and put the money in. He would try to make payments from other cards and so on and so forth. Believe me I've not stopped thinking of the burden he was carrying around."

I think DMC has put it most well. And it's not just men who do this, but caregivers of all sorts, including single mothers and people with elderly to take care of or any number of other "caring" situations. This is where credit card debts go haywire.

A very large number of posters here, Henrietta included, have done their own version of panicked "voodoo economics", as I call it. Sooner or later, it all busts into your consciousness and it's pretty hard to face up to.

So, when you're cogitating on this, think not of a betrayal (snorting it all up his nose or giving diamonds to a mistress in an apartment somewhere would be a betrayal), but as a last-ditch effort to fix it SOMEHOW - in order to protect you from it - and to protect himself from the shame of you knowing about it.

This tells a whole lot about how the man feels about you, doesn't it? ;^)

Help him mend his shattered ego, and the two of you go on together. I am sure he wishes now that he HAD told you - and it's got to hurt like hell to get caught... have pity on the man with feet of clay.

I have high hopes that you will get over this and go on - the stronger for it.