Lying about house - will it catch up with me?

[epiphany]

Why don't you try "I'm sorry, but I was raised to believe that asking others about their personal financial matters was unbearably rude, so really can't respond to your question." Follow this immediately up with a question of your own, "If you don't mind me asking, why is it that you would inquire about such a thing?"

Ok, I'd never really have the guts to answer in such a way, but it makes me smile just thinking about it.

That is exactly what I would want to say but I think I would just look them in the eye and say "I don't want to talk about it". That would speak volumes and probably make them as uncomfortable as they just made you.

ep

[AngelinaCatHub]

Thanks everyone for your support. All your comments have made me feel MUCH better.

JRScott, I do not believe in telling people my personal finances. Like Woeisme suggested saying, that I was raised never to talk about money issues with people, is actually how I was raised. I don't like to be gossiped about how we lost our house and our current financial position IS NOT anyone's business.

Fltoo - saying the house is being short saled is a good idea. Most people don't even know what that means - lol - so they may think it's a great option. I'll be sure to take down the foreclosure notice after it is posted.

Justplaintired - Like you, I don't talk to very many about my personal sitation. My MIL knows and my best friend knows and neither would tell anyone. I think other family have guessed what is going on, but lucky for me they all have enough of their own problems to keep them preoccupied so we're not entirely in the spot light. Possibly it's that way with everyone, but some are better at hiding that than others.

It is VERY wonderful to have this board to talk to you all here. My dh seems to be glad too, mostly because he isn't bugged as much about all the details involving BK! lol

Oh, and I want to clearly point out that part of my wanting to hide all this comes down to my kids and how socialization could be affected by what is going on with the house. Who knows what may be said and they will not understand. . . what would come of that?

[liz417]

I guess you could take down the sign - but in our town, they put your name and address in the paper with the date of the auction - so that makes it a little difficult.

Yeah, but who really reads the back of the local newspaper, I do, but really??? In our small town there are hundreds upon hundreds of homes going through foreclosure and the print is soooo small...

[HopeFaith]

Having been through this a few months ago, I think I can give you some great advice! Our home foreclosed in May. When we moved, everyone wanted to know what we did with our old place. At first, we told everyone the truth about the foreclosure. Going through a financial hardship is hard enough on a marriage... but let me tell you, having everyone scrutinize and judge you because they think you are financially irresponsible is even harder. If you tell everyone, not only will they try to put their two cents in, but they'll make you feel even worse about your decision. They don't even need to tell you what they think, you can see it in their face when you break the news!

We realized that it wasn't anyone's business but our own, and that we needed to work through it together - without any outside influence or judgement. Deciding to keep it private was the best decision we could have made. We told people in the end that we just "sold it for way less than it was worth and took a minor loss". Then we changed the subject. People know not to re-approach the subject. And if they look it up on public record... oh well! I wouldn't want those kind of nosy drama-hungry people in my life anyway. Many people aren't savvy enough to know how to do it anyway.

If you spend your whole life worrying about keeping an image for others, you'll waste it away. Just be discreet, and do what's best for you. It's not their life, and frankly - most people couldn't care less anyway... they're just nosy.

[JRScott]

Thanks everyone for your support. All your comments have made me feel MUCH better.

JRScott, I do not believe in telling people my personal finances. Like Woeisme suggested saying, that I was raised never to talk about money issues with people, is actually how I was raised. I don't like to be gossiped about how we lost our house and our current financial position IS NOT anyone's business.

Fltoo - saying the house is being short saled is a good idea. Most people don't even know what that means - lol - so they may think it's a great option. I'll be sure to take down the foreclosure notice after it is posted.

Justplaintired - Like you, I don't talk to very many about my personal sitation. My MIL knows and my best friend knows and neither would tell anyone. I think other family have guessed what is going on, but lucky for me they all have enough of their own problems to keep them preoccupied so we're not entirely in the spot light. Possibly it's that way with everyone, but some are better at hiding that than others.

It is VERY wonderful to have this board to talk to you all here. My dh seems to be glad too, mostly because he isn't bugged as much about all the details involving BK! lol

Oh, and I want to clearly point out that part of my wanting to hide all this comes down to my kids and how socialization could be affected by what is going on with the house. Who knows what may be said and they will not understand. . . what would come of that?

Keep in mind whether you tell them or not they likely will find out. Most foreclosure auctions are listed in local papers and/or posted at the local courthouse.

While some will judge you, others may have sympathy. One problem in our nation is that we avoid discussing financial matters. That's why our economy is in the tank, we have the least savings of the last hundred years, the most debt of the last hundred years, and why our dollar is continually becoming worthless.

It is fine if you don't want to tell them that is your choice of course, but as Americans we need to reexamine how we talk about finances. If you don't want to talk about it right now, just tell them 'I don't want to talk about it'. That is better than telling a white lie or misleading them that could damage a budding friendship later on if they discover the truth.

[Martha13]

I do worry about those who would actually go to the effort of looking stuff up online (like I do--but it's only because I'm in the same situation!) and they don't publish anything in our paper. I was mostly thinking about the big 'ole "hey all you old neighbors, uh, yep, it's foreclosed!" but really...we are like the 7th family in the neighborhood to bail so far, so early..and there are varying ways of dealing with it--short sales, divorces, REO's, rentals...so I'm getting more and more at ease with dealing with the "public" aspect of it all, I hope hnhlvr (sorry--was going by memory--hope I got it right or close finds the same peace of mind!!

[Martha13]

And if they look it up on public record... oh well! I wouldn't want those kind of nosy drama-hungry people in my life anyway. Many people aren't savvy enough to know how to do it anyway.

If you spend your whole life worrying about keeping an image for others, you'll waste it away. Just be discreet, and do what's best for you. It's not their life, and frankly - most people couldn't care less anyway... they're just nosy.

Man, I just loved this post so much. Hit it right on for me....I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure this all out..perfect example, another neighbor very innocently mentioned one of the familiies that's exiting the building in our neighborhood, so to speak, was possibly separating. I thought about that for exactly 20 seconds...I don't know them, feel bad if that's the case, that doesn't happen to be my case, so I moved on to not thinking about them. Case closed. We are all WAY more concerned about what's going on with our own lives, and what we think other people may be thinking about it...and in reality, everyone else is just worrying about THEIR OWN DAMN BACKYARD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TEW]

I believe in honesty. If they are real friend they will understand if they judge me because my house is going to go into for closure then shame on them.
I would rather people know thing went terribly wrong for me financially then lie.
One lie begets another. What lie do you use then the sign in front of the house says bank owned.
The people that lived in the house 2 house down from me left in the middle in the night.
There are a couple of things wrong with that. We were Neighbors we did care about how they were doing. I ran into her in the pharmacy where she works when she saw me she turned away and couldn’t look at me. I reached over the counter and touched her hand and said I’m in the same boat your not alone.
There is no way I will not be able to face anyone or hold my head up. I am never going to worry able what the School Moms think.

[csrhjr31]

I am in the same situation, and I keep struggling with how to handle it. I feel like this is becoming very stressful. I have told different lies to different people, and I feel like it is stressing me out keeping track of the lies, and worrying who will find out.

We have a for sale sign in the yard, and have had it since January there. I have had MANY nosey neighbors ask what is happening with it. I lied and said we sold it and left it at that. Thankfully we are moving into our rental house in the next few days, so I won't have to deal with the old neighbors.

As far as the new neighbors, I am not sure what to tell them. I don't know what the original owners have told everyone. I think they told some people that we are renting the house... not sure what conclusions people jump to when they hear renters.

I guess my suggestion is if you are going to tell a "white lie" , keep it consistent, so that part doesn't add extra worries.

[needingsomehelp]

We are in the same situation as well! My family and some of our very close friends know, however my husbands family does not. However, I do believe that they *think* something is up, as they keep asking us if our house (the one we let go) is "all set". I just smile and reply, yup it is all set. After all, it technically is not a lie, it is "all set". lol. I feel badly about not being forthright with his family, but they are they type of people that judge by how much money people have, what kind of cars they drive, what kinds of house they live in, etc. They are also the kind of people that would 100% judge us and say we were irresponsible with money, when in fact they have absolutely no clue why we are in this situation.
Furthermore, they would hold it against us for the rest of our lives. In their eyes, we would never redeem ourselves.
IT is sad, because I feel like with family, you should be able to turn to them for support, like we did with mine. My family is just much more understanding about our situation, and would never hold it against us.
I have also been approached by people I wouldn't really call friends, but live nearby, and have noticed that the house is vacant. They ask what happend, and I just reply it is a really long story, and I would prefer not to get into it. I don't really feel like I need to justify myself to people like that. I mean sure people are nosy, but it isn't any of their business.
Anyways- I hope that you can figure out what to say, it is just such atough situation!! Good Luck,

[Flamingo]

Oh, and I want to clearly point out that part of my wanting to hide all this comes down to my kids and how socialization could be affected by what is going on with the house. Who knows what may be said and they will not understand. . . what would come of that?

Depending on the ages of your children, they probably know more than you think. And be honest - the entire situation affects how you feel about yourself personally and your family. You don't want to be considered "less" than anyone else due to financial troubles. That is totally normal and we all feel like that. Everyone's self-esteem and their feelings of social standing go to pot during a time like this. "Oh, what will the neighbor's think?" There are times when we just have to say the heck with it and just be honest about the entire situation - in fact, this economy is a perfect opportunity to be honest - so many people are having difficulties now in many ways due to the trickle down effects of the mortgage bust that peole now probably would not really care if one had to file BK or foreclose. I would not think twice about it and if your children should ever have questions on the subject of your house, just be honest as it could be a good learning process for them as to finances, mortgages and business matters.

[hnhlvr]

so many people are having difficulties now in many ways due to the trickle down effects of the mortgage bust that peole now probably would not really care if one had to file BK or foreclose. .

My kids are in younger elementary school grades and my son even asked me recently if the new people had moved into the house yet, which leads me to believe he's still "innocent" to the whole ordeal. And, he LOVES where we live now. Close to tons of friends and more socialization than where we lived before, so he's satisfied enough that he's not looking back (and probably will not have to unless another kids brings up what he/she has heard from a parent).

Many people are having financial difficulties, but what about all those who are not? People blame the poor economy on individuals who have lost their homes and I was recently flamed once for mentioning loosing my house. The woman didn't bother to read what I said (that my husband lost his job) she just took her opportunity to vent all frustrations on me, saying it was my fault her taxes are going up. That was one of two times I have mentioned *online* (outside of this BK forum that my house is foreclosing). The other time was in an email with an internet "friend" and after telling her, she never responded again!

Those are small cases I know, but the internet is excellent at allowing people to demonstrate what they truely think behind closed doors!!! In real life, instead of flaming a person to their face, they talk crap about them to others because they need SOME way to vent.

To everyone struggling with the same story as me, my heart goes out to you all. I wish you the best! Hopefully we can continue to support and help each other out as that's so much of what we need right now.

(oh and my name is 'hnhlvr' for those who wondered if they got it right when replying Probably THE WORST name choice i could come up with!!! If only I could pick it again. My cat is the ultra lover, cuddler and the name came from him. Guess he would be honored to know he's been immortalized on the internet.)

[needingsomehelp]

Gosh, I am so sorry that someone went off on your after telling them your situation! Knowing me, I would have cried! lol.
That is exactly what I fear though, people knowing and then judging, just based what happend, without knowing the actual facts of what happend. It is sad.
I am just looking at this whole experience as a lesson. There actually have been some GOOD things that have come out of this. We are in a house that we love, we have learned that we have friends that support us regardless of anything. We have learned a ton about bankrupcty and the mortgage crisis. I am going back to school. Most importantly though, I have learned that no matter what, as long as my family is healthy, happy and safe, nothing else in this world means anything. Good luck to you Hnhlvr and everyone else who is going through this. We will get through this, and in the end, be much better off than we all were before!!

[Frogge]

I was embarrassed at first for people to know we were going through a hard time. We went through a lot to cover here and there over the past couple of years, and we tried to make it without going the foreclosure/ bk route. IT took me a LONG time to see that I did my best, and that's all I can do. It doesn't make me a failure or less of a person. These are relatively NEW feelings for me, by the way. Feels Good.

And in regards to my 3 kids, we talk openly about everything involved and I think they see we are going through 'something' regarding 'money' and a 'lawyer.. I know a lot of people won't agree with this, but I don't have a problem with my kids knowing we are in a situation where money has to be tight right now. They HAVE to know, IMO. I think it's a learning experience for them to see that you have to deal with life problems and not hide them.

[stressin]

My retail business failed and is now closed, and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, "What are you going to do with all this stuff?" I wouldn't be filing for bankruptcy. I finally got sick of hearing it and coming up with creative ways to answer, and the last week or so that I was open I told the truth and said...

"Gee, I'm really not sure. It will be up to the bankruptcy trustee to decide what to do with it all because I think all of my exemptions are spoken for."

Most of the time, that shuts them right up! Bankruptcy, evidently, is still quite a scandal to some people.

I live in a very small community, and in my situation, I decided that the business closure was already so public, that I might as well be honest. I can see where, in your situation, I would probably not want to be so forthcoming with personal information.

I think that you could simply say "It's still up in the air" when asked about your house. I think most people know that times are hard and many houses are going into foreclosure. Any decent person will probably let it go at that. If they press, try "time will tell" and if they haven't yet figured out that you aren't going to give them your financial statement, you don't owe them anything further.

Mostly, try not to be embarrassed. It isn't a personal failure to lose a house. It's a difficult decision, one that you reached because you decided it was best for your family. I know none of us wants to brag about foreclosure or bankruptcy, but we CAN be proud of making a difficult decision that is ultimately going to make life better for our families. Many people have realized just how "house poor" they have been and are doing something about that--a move that will hopefully improve their quality of life.

As I say this, I am thinking about a local business man here. He's in the real estate business and made a lot of money during it's boom--well, the last decade hasn't been so kind and he lost his mansion of a home, his business location, and most likely his reputation. This is a small community, and the loss of his home and business were very public. The other day I hear that he has suffered a heart attack. When I heard that, I reminded myself that I AM NOT going to let my financial troubles rob me of my health and my dignity. I know that I am responsible for the mess that I am in, but I also realize that letting myself get eaten up with guilt, shame, etc. isn't going to change a thing--and may cost me my health, which, along with my faith and my family, are all I really need.

I hold my head up when I tell people that I am filing for bankruptcy--not because I am proud of it, but because I am not ashamed of it. There is a difference. My business failed and my credit card debt is unmanageable. I wasn't left with many choices. The few that I had, I considered and after consulting with several agencies, and then a few attorneys, I agreed that this was best for me and my family.