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Friendship, Dating and Bankruptcy

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  • Friendship, Dating and Bankruptcy

    My BK7 was filed just over a week ago. Most of my (unsecured) debts were accumulated during February 2016 due to gambling losses. I stopped gambling almost 3 months ago. So please don't comment about gambling issues or how I should be seeking help since that's not the topic I want to discuss about.

    I haven't seen my friends in over a year, and I also deactivated my Facebook account a year ago; however, I'd still login about once per month after midnight for 30 minutes just to get updates on my friends' lives, and I'd deactivated it. Since I changed my phone # to avoid collection calls, I didn't get contacts from my friends also.

    I work from home, so I don't see people much. Additionally I also didn't have much money to go out since most of my left over income went to paying off debts. I can't wait til my case is discharged (expected date mid-August) so that I'll have money to go out and see friends again.

    I also want to meet new people and go on dates. However, I feel like I don't have much value as a person. I generally put value on people. E.g. a celebrity would have a lot of value (not necessary just monetary value) because people would bend over backwards to spend time with them; on the other hand, people would make efforts to avoid spending time with homeless people and drug addicts (e.g. pay premium prices to live in gated apartments). Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh and/or judgmental.

    So with my bankruptcy, my general value went down as a person. When I see a pretty lady, I'd just avoid communicating with her. Contrarily, I'd go talk to her if my finances are in a good standing. So I feel like I'm not worthy of her time, even if it's just for a few seconds.

  • #2
    Wow, this is deep, and I thank you for sharing it here.

    I'm not sure how old you are ~ but I have found as I've gotten older, my perspective on the world has changed a lot. I'm sure it will continue to do so.

    What I have found is that the people who are worth my time accept me for who I AM. I don't really pretend for anyone. Take it or leave it, you know? I like REAL people -- flaws and all -- and I find the most rewarding relationships to be the ones where we share common quirks and experiences.

    No one is perfect -- NO ONE. If you see someone you think is, I can guarantee you are wrong.

    Getting over this is going to have to come from within. Are you going to let your bankruptcy define you? I certainly won't. I'm a good person, I do good things, I take care of people. And guess what? I made some shitty, stupid, emotional choices with money. That doesn't change or negate all of the good things I've done in my life.

    Maybe push yourself out of your comfort zone. Go meet those homeless people. Serve them food. Listen to their stories. They ALL have one, you know. Personally I place more value on the single mom who is struggling to get a roof over her kids' heads than the celebrity who could afford to house them all -- and doesn't. Like I said... perspective.


    • #3
      Vegas, it's certainly time to open up and go see the world and meet the people. I have never lived in a gated community, but did live in a gated apartment complex when I first moved to Florida. The concept, of gates, was completely alien to me and I didn't know why anyone would live inside a gate. I figured it was to keep people from parking in our complex since we were right near the airport; silly me.

      Do not wallow in self-pity. Just get out there and if you meet people who accept you for who you are and not how much money you have (or don't have), then you will have found true friends. I too have gambled and spent a lot of money in a little time (less than 6 months), probably more to impress my friends than I really care about winning. Don't beat yourself about that. Just move forward.
      Chapter 7 (No Asset/Non-Consumer) Filed (Pro Se) 7/08 (converted from Chapter 13 - 2/10)
      Status: (Auto) Discharged and Closed! 5/10
      Visit My BKForum Blog: justbroke's Blog

      I am not an attorney. Any advice provided is not legal advice.


      • #4
        I feel your pain.
        My job is pink ghetto/ low paying and I see no possibility of advancement. My wages have essentially been flat lined for ten years. Had a custody dispute about 7 years ago, lived in an expensive state two years prior to that with ex. Legal bills galore, and one of my parents was very intrusive and pressured me to contact the lawyer constantly-- I racked up a huge debt. Then my relative decided to pull all financial help for custody dispute because I wouldn't relinquish total control to him. If I had known he'd do that, I would have gone at it alone. Of course, most of my large immediate family picked "the ex" over me (no, I wasn't a druggie derelict mom, cheater, or psycho-- I was always the token scapegoat in my immediate family). This combined with a family death and I am now estranged from most of my family.
        I shut down my Facebook, erased all my social media-- it was feeding into the character assassination.
        My dumb decisions, including getting pregnant (which is like putting a wrecking ball through your life if you're female unless you make six figures) and trusting the wrong people (my family) helped me amass more debt than I earn in a year. There were a lot of things I should have stuck to my gut about, but I let other people's feelings make my decisions for me. Dad wanted me to get a "new car"-- so I got it, and paid through the nose for that money pit. Ex wanted me to have the baby, so I had the baby... etc...
        I think one of the factors that makes all of this really difficult is that people today seem to vilify "the poor". They resent "poor" people for any minuscule crumb of happiness they have. Sorry, but there are extenuating circumstances for virtually every person who's down on their luck. Most modestly well-off people are one mishap or layoff away from being knocked of their pedestal. They vilify the poor, then give them useless advice, "Get a STEM job! Go back to school! Get a better job, lazy_____!" Huge amounts of debt and a bad economy make student loans look like an idiotic gamble. Who can take time off work for school when your credit card minimums take up a whole paycheck alone?
        I have no money to go out and do "fun things" or having a social life. My son doesn't bother asking for anything.
        I can't connect with the women I work with-- they're earning their "pin money" and brag about expensive vacations and shopping sprees footed by hubby's income. They say nasty things about every single mother they see, and every poor person on Medicaid (I'm not on welfare or Medicaid, but since I'm a loathed "single mother", most people assume I am). "Must be nice to be so superior, smug, and have a safety net", I think to myself.
        Young professionals I see at my son's school would want nothing to do with "single mom living at home with her mother". They're all married and talk about micro-brews, expensive ice hockey lessons, and real estate. I have nothing good to share about my life, only shameful things that will only make me more of an object of ridicule. People in my general income bracket and age group are often addicted to drugs or are downright reckless-- and I have no desire to troll bars for guys. Couldn't afford drinks at a bar, and don't want to attract yet another guy who expects me to put out credit cash advances for him or rent cars for him when his breaks down. Any guy with half a brain and financial solvency would stay far away from me. I'd be suspicious of any guy who dismissed my debt as a non-issue.
        I think most people in our situation keep quiet-- we don't want to deal with the judgmental attitudes of others. I haven't filed for bankruptcy yet, but I'd feel horrible if my debt impacted my son's life in a negative way.
        At least you bothered to "fix" your debt issue, rather than use some attention-starved woman willing to foot your bills and pay off your debts. I hear about that kind of abuse all the time-- where someone finds a lonely single person with good credit and decent income only to exploit them.


        • #5
          To quote Chrysalis ....this is really deep and I understand your post with paralleling relatability.

          Gambling has destroyed me mentally, physically and spiritually. It has put a major strain on friendships and played a huge role in destroying my C13. I know you mentioned that you didn't want to talk about it but I literally JUST joined this site and wondered if anyone would be honest about this very addiction (it's an addiction worse than drugs IMO)

          I've gained, no kidding, nearly 100lbs because of gambling, financial woes, depression, etc.....

          It's time to take our lives' back. I've secluded myself from family and friends because of weight gain and lack of money....add to that Bk and it's all too much to deal with in explaining " the changes". But now, I'm tired of seclusion and want to live a full life again....full of memories, good times and just the joy of living I used to have. IT IS POSSIBLE! So to you @Vegasbk, I say take the day at a see your true value again


          • #6
            Originally posted by Habesnicht View Post
            ... I have no desire to troll bars for guys. Couldn't afford drinks at a bar, and don't want to attract yet another guy who expects me to put out credit cash advances for him or rent cars for him when his breaks down. Any guy with half a brain and financial solvency would stay far away from me. I'd be suspicious of any guy who dismissed my debt as a non-issue.
            I think most people in our situation keep quiet-- we don't want to deal with the judgmental attitudes of others. I haven't filed for bankruptcy yet, but I'd feel horrible if my debt impacted my son's life in a negative way.
            I would think that there is something else that men are more interested in their woman "putting out" than cash advances ...

            You are spot on about men that have their stuff together not wanting to get involved with a woman with a lot of debt or some other man's child.

            As for gambling, I once dated a gambling addict woman, but quickly bailed out; I figured out that that would be like getting involved with a black hole.


            • #7
              You'd be surprised-- I found out long after the fact that my ex thought I'd be in for a big inheritance. My parents had a big house, nice things, etc... I think my ex thought he'd hit the lottery one day with me as the golden goose, and our kid as the golden egg. Found this out from a reliable source. I always knew that would never be the case, since my dad liked to spend. My surviving parent isn't giving anything away she inherited-- mom has a brain and knows she'd have nothing left if she paid for for all her kids' debts!
              Guys can be gold-diggers, too. They want their Reliable Cash Cow while they have their "cheap fun" on the side or on the internet. "Baby, you got good credit. Can you help me buy a car?"
              Women can be like this, too-- so I don't want to imply that it's a one gender thing.

              There are some really ugly attitudes out there towards single women with children. It seems worse now than it was ten years ago. That bad attitude alone makes me very averse to dating regardless of what debt I have. Even though I have no major ex drama and my kid has his package wrapped, I wouldn't want to feel constantly pressured to "prove myself" as being "worthy".
              Doing the pick-up Tinder thing is not my style... with my luck I'd pick the sexually violent psycho or someone with an STD! LOL!

              As far as getting married was concerned, I think people should get pre-nups and keep separate bank accounts. Can't tell you how many people I know found out about random credit cards in their names or their kids' names after divorce proceedings began!


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