Let's Debate~~Child Support Issues

[confusedinVA]

I must have misunderstood you last night Danielle, sorry about that.

I really am not going to go for any back child support, that would just be to much of a strain on him and his family. He is remarried, has 2 stepchildren he has raised since they were 2 &4, they are now 12 &14 and they are buying a house. We have done without it all of these years and dont want to put unnecessary pressure on him. I just think he should really pay future support. I am thinking that he really thinks he is sterile, Im not positive though. I really dont know if he has other bio children or not. He seems genuinely upset that he didnt know about our son. If he is truly sterile, then I dont think I will even go after support at all, I will just let that be his decision. I want my son to get to know his dad and his family. If his bio dad is slapped with a child support order how is that going to effect that relationship. That is something I had thought about before, but after reading this post, feel that support would not be the right thing to do. I dont want his family feeling the way this posters does. I want my son to be welcomed by his family.

[oliveoil]

Thirdly, go for the back support. It's NOT your money it's your sons money. Put it in a trust fund for him. You told him you were pregnant and he insisted it wasn't his by saying he was sterile. It was his way of putting off responsibility.

This has struck such a cord for me. Your right, it isn't my money it's my sons too. I am doing my son a injustice by not calling the father on his responsiblity.

[SinkingFast]

Confused,...........

Maybe the Bio Dad only "thinks" he's sterile. Could be he's tried before to have children with other women with no results. Maybe he even got tested and was told he had low sperm count or poor motility,....... his sperm aren't good swimmers.

Because it hasn't worked with other women, he really does believe that he could not possibly have fathered your child.

Just because it didn't work with other women, does not mean that your son is not his child.

Maybe the thing to do is ask for a Paternity test. Settle the issue once and for all.

[Danielle1981]

Exactly....flukes happen.
And the matter of the fact is you did tell him....he chose to shrug off what you told him then that was his fault.

There is no law that he could sue you for. He's full of it. And I'd be very careful as to what is genuine and what is not. People would do a lot of things to get out of child support. You know I don't believe that one child should get more than another....but I do believe they should have equal amount of support. To date your kid has had zero.

And further than the support is going to be establishing a father son relationship. Bottom line.....someone who thinks he is sterile to find out he has a son should be ecstatic. I don't see why they would even put up a fight about having to support a child. There's a difference in Lil goose case where he went out and had the kids he thought he could provide support to as opposed to I have nothing biologically mine and now I found that I do. Different scenario. Besides that.....that other woman should have gotten support for her two kids from THEIR father. Your son is entitled to support from HIS father. There is no one that is more entitled to that man's money in this entire scenario than your son. Point blank.

[Danielle1981]

Let me also add to this.....I have a similar scenario.

I have two kids from my first marriage. And NEVER would I put off that responsibility on anyone else. It's my exhusbands responsibility. I have a 15 month old infant as well from my current relationship (not married). I would never expect that my older two would be supported by him. That's just wrong. They have a father and he deserves to support them. Now if he chose to support them and say 10 years later someone came knocking on the door and had a kid from him then it is my job to accept that child point blank. He accepted mine so wouldn't it be two faced of me not to accept them? I was all over it when he raised my kids and stepped in to help me but I should just bail when he had almost the same thing happen to him? Shouldn't it be my place to help him out with that? Or why is this woman really with him? To have someone to raise her kids and support them but not give anything else in return?

[confusedinVA]

SinkingFast, that was exactly my dilema. If he truly thought he was sterile, I didnt want to collect child support. But if it is just a hoax to get out of paying, then I feel he should pay. That is the question I am facing. He supposedly has a letter from a doctor on the way, (why it has taken so long, I have no idea) that says he is sterile. If that is the case, then I dont know if I will feel comfortable collecting child support from him. But if there is no letter, which I really dont think there is, then he should pay child support. Also, I thought exactly like you did, that if he does believe he is sterile and has tried and tried to have kids, I would think he would be very excited. Well he isnt, he is actually going to try and sue me either way. If he isnt his son for making him to a dna and also if he is his son for keeping him from him this long.

Danielle, you make very good points, thank you. Your right, she should accept my son because he has accepted hers. I wasnt thinking of it that way. Thank you so much. What do you think of my theory on whether he actually thought he was sterile or not and whether that should be my decision to have him pay support or not?

Thanks so much for everyones help.

[Danielle1981]

I think it's a bunch of BS. I think he told you that to walk away. Bottom line....I would read carefully whatever medical records he gives you. I would not accept a general letter from a doctor. I would want to see the lab results. There is a clear difference between zero sperm count and decreased sperm count and motillity. One being no chance in hell and the other being there is a chance but the odds of it happening are not very likely. As for him suing you...what a joke. What are they going to tell him....oh keep your past due child support? HA! Now even if the child isn't his....he can't sue you because a court subpnead him to take a DNA test! If he admits he slept with you then there is probable cause to issue a subpnea. In other words guilty by association and you can legally be forced to take the test. If he could legitimately sue for being forced to take the test.....how many lawsuits do you think would be floating around today? He might be able to call you into court but you show up to court and watch that get thrown out. When you filled out those child support papers, the paternity section very clearly states to name all the people you slept with in that period of time. ANY ONE of those people can be served and ordered to comply with a DNA test.

As for his actions today.....I'd say I'm sitting here comparing it to what he did to you the day you told him you were pregnant. He's pulling a card to make you go away and to intimidate you.

My best advice....go forward with back child support and future. Again, it's not your money. You don't feel right about taking it.....put it in a trust fund for your son. He helped her raise her kids.....now it's her turn to return the favor. She should have been collecting child support for her two and now it's his turn to pay on his. It's just the way things go.......

[Danielle1981]

VA--Something about that whole situation doesn't seem kosher. I would move ahead with collecting the back support and future support. If you see that everything was in good faith then return it. Once it's said and done you can usually figure things out. However, if you pass it up......there's no going back. It's better for you to cover your bases than to leave them uncovered and hope everything works out.

Secondly, your child support is 100% exempt. By federal and state laws. The only thing is MAKE SURE YOU PUT THIS IN A SEPARATE ACCOUNT AND ***DO NOT*** MIX IT WITH ANY OTHER FUNDS.

You are sitting here in a bankruptcy forum. You are declaring bankruptcy while he gets the new house???? Very noble of you to think of someone else but do you seriously think he's thinking of you and his son's best interests? His actions right now are screaming HELL NO to me. Had he been thinking of it....he probably would have invested some time in saying hey can I see some pictures please. Can you tell me about him? Do you hear any of those questions coming out?

[lrprn]

Here's what the law says about child support when the father did not intend to father a child:
"Can a man escape this liability (child support) if he has neither the intent to have sexual intercourse nor the intent to make a baby? The answer is "no." So long as a man engages in an intimate sexual act resulting in his depositing of his sperm with a woman who then becomes pregnant, he is liable for child support." (from http://www.divorcesource.com/researc...y/99jan1.shtml - sure hope the filters here don't think I'm spamming or a troll!)

ConfusedinVA, until a paternity test is done, to the courts this is just a case of "he said/she said". Start the process by consulting with a lawyer practicing family law in your area to find out what your options are. If you decide to pursue child support (which personally I hope you do), confirming your child's paternity by independent, scientific testing is step number one. This man can be compelled to be tested by the courts which will probably have to be the case since from your story it's doubtful he will ever agree to be tested voluntarily.

Remember we're here for moral support any time you need it. Hope you will keep us posted on what you decide to do - hang in there.

[confusedinVA]

Thanks everyone for helping me out. I think I will collect the child support and put in a separate account for my son.

A dna test has already been done and completed, just waiting for the results. We go back to court in November. I am positive he is the father, there is no other possible way.

Thanks again to everyone, I am so glad I posted. I have been feeling so guilty about this. I just hope my son will understand when I have to have the talk with him. He, at this point, doesnt know what is going on. I am not going to tell him until I find out if dad wants to have a relationship with him.

[SinkingFast]

That's a good idea, CVA.

Wait until you know something for sure before you tell your son. Kids are so easily excited AND so easily hurt when they expect something and it does not come thru. Best not to tell until you know something for sure.

[anonymuse]

Okay, here is the question:

If a mother gives birth to a child that the father had no knowledge of, should that mother be allowed to come back when the child is a teen and demand child support?

Whether a woman is trying to trap a guy or make a child without consent or if it's just a pure "accident", I believe the father is financially responsible--and which occurred can be hard to prove.

Since there are birth control methods for both sexes, both should be taking proper precautions. Birth control is not just the responsibility of females and a couple should know that every time they have relations, a child is a possibility.

[Danielle1981]

Thanks everyone for helping me out. I think I will collect the child support and put in a separate account for my son.

A dna test has already been done and completed, just waiting for the results. We go back to court in November. I am positive he is the father, there is no other possible way.

Thanks again to everyone, I am so glad I posted. I have been feeling so guilty about this. I just hope my son will understand when I have to have the talk with him. He, at this point, doesnt know what is going on. I am not going to tell him until I find out if dad wants to have a relationship with him.

I hope you collect everything that is owed to your child. He should be very happy about his existence. And his current wife really should keep her trap shut and be supportive just like he supported her kids for years and years now it's her turn.

[anonymuse]

Just a side comment: It's really nice to see a calm debate about such an important issue that seems to touch everyone's lives in some fashion whether personally or someone you know.

I think one of the most important things to always remember is that it's never the kids fault.

[oliveoil]

This is oprah quality stuff. Great talk and so much being offered I have to read things more than once.