BK drives Island girl to drink!

[AMISLANDER]

Like everyone here...I am about out of my mind insane.

I'm in bk caused by illegal substances which I let happen due to a significant other and my own inability (at that time) to put an end to shenanigans.

I've filed my bk, not wanting to go this route, but it's was the only thing left for me. Now, I'm discharged, my car is unpredicatable (some kind of weird starting electrical problem) but usually works, I've been paying all the bills for the last nine months while my significant other still dabbles in his addiction. He's been working since the begining of May & hasn't given me more than $100 total but yet does his "thing."

We have been arguing all the time due to my stress with his poor money mgt. and having to keep a roof over my head; so, yes, I drink a bit. I do not drive, I stay home. I do not miss work.

And he has the audacity to call me names and not help out.

I am moving into an apartment next month. Yeah! Without mold, possibly without him. He doesn't help out and I told him if he doesn't pay, he can't stay. I am at my breaking point. I can get a part time job on the side if need be.

It just totally sucks. This is a person who says he loves me but doesn't show it. He just continues on his own path of destruction and doesn't want to give up his recreational habit. I just can't take it.

Any advice other than to just move on?

It was my first son's 10th birthday yesterday and it was a very hard day because my sons are in AZ due to the Florida mold. I missed him something terrible. So, with all of this, I'm still hanging in there.....

[Minnymouth]

Its bad enough that filing BK is dragging you down, but don't let someone who "says" they love you, but doesn't show it.... drag you down even more.

If I remember correctly in a previous post, he was more interested in what was in your checking account... and how he can get his hands on it.

Evidently getting a job did not change his way of thinking, nor in handling his financial affairs.

If he cannot contribute anythng to to the bill paying side of the relationship - WHAT GOOD IS HE????

If he is only going to work to support his "habit" - then consider him excess baggage when you move...... DO YOURSELF A FAVOR IN LIFE.!!!!

In a previous thread you discussed taking control of your life, cleaning up your bad habits, and getting your life under control again........

Part of taking control of your life, if getting rid of excess baggage that jeopordizes the good that you are trying to accomplish.... in your own life......

Evidently he has proven that his habit is more important too him than a life with you....

Now comes a time in your life where your future depends on your decisions you make now.............

1. Do you want a new life................. possibly get your kids back with you?
2. Is your love for this BF strong enough to support his "habit" physically, emotionally, and financially? Are you willing to accept it for all times??
3. Are you going to be the sole "breadwinner" so he can do his "habit"?
4. If you are arguing now, what is it going to be like later - if he wants to use your money for his habit?
5. Have you thought about what your future may "look like" if you stay in this relationship?

Not only is filing bankruptcy a "life altering event" in your life right now, sounds like you need to make some more "major decisions" regarding what is important to you for your future......

DO YOUR SELF A FAVOR.............

Make a list of all the important things to you in your life right now.
Make a list of your goals for the future and what you want it to be like.
Make a list of things in your life that need to "change"....

Make these lists, lay them aside for a few days, then go back and read them again and compare them.......

THEN MAKE YOU DECISIONS - AND STICK TOO THEM.................

Always remember "NOTHING IS FOREVER - AND SOME THINGS ARE ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME IN OUR LIVES".....

When the bad out weighs the good in our lives - we eliminate the bad........... that's how we SURVIVE!!!

My thoughts,

[AMISLANDER]

And heres to ya girl!! :Chug-Chug: I'm drinking a cold one now . But I'm home after work and will soon hit the hay. I grew up around family members with drug problems and when I reached 15, I got away from them. It helped a lot, but then again, we're looking at a different dynamic in your situation....I was still a kid then, you're an adult dealing with an adult. I guess the only reason I turn to alcohol for pleasure is because I didn't have anyone in my life as a kid who made me feel so negative about it like the hard drugs did. Plus I'm not a drunk, can stop after 2 beers (any day), or 6 beers (any given bad day), or 10 beers (because thats when I usually pass out, lol). I very rarely drink liqour (always been this way...just beer), and theres days during the week I don't drink at all. So, I think I'm ok as far as an addiction to it. I can't stand hangovers so have never been the type to get drunk and then wake up and do it again.....well a few times years ago while on vacation at the beach, but thats what vacations are for

Getting away from that drug infested lifestyle was what motivated me most. I knew I didn't want to be like that and had to choose friends and places to live, somewhat wisely. Your heart and gut seems to be in the right place so go with what you feel from within. You need to take care of your happiness and can't allow someone (no matter how much history you have with them), keep you down.

Easier said than done probably, but its something to think about....now don't fall out of your chair when you get up to stumble to the ladie's room

Thank you for your thoughts! I think I had about 6 oz. of vodka or six drinks......but it was a bad day. He said he was going to his friend's house at 6:30 would be home at 7:30 and then it became 1 a.m....He's a grown man but I know that now he's in debt and guess who's getting paid first? Not me (the house).

Well, yes, the history which is supposed to be "past" is resurfacing and I don't need it.

I have nice friends who've also been through this who are standing by and have told me, they'll help me move.

I am getting furniture from a condo owner who is renovating and I get my pick of everything that's in the condo. My bf thinks he's taking what we don't need & selling it...not quite. I have other ideas. I am not contributing to his "thing."

Again, thank you for your sharing & I'll keep my chin up!

[AMISLANDER]

1. Do you want a new life................. possibly get your kids back with you?

I want my life to keep going forward. One day, when my kids are able to deal with the mold in FL, or wherever, yes, I'd like them to be able to be with me. We have joint custody at the moment with my Xhusband as the custodial parent which is hard, being that they're in AZ, but I know they're in a good place. But, they will be able to stay with me when they come to visit for three weeks in July!


2. Is your love for this BF strong enough to support his "habit" physically, emotionally, and financially? Are you willing to accept it for all times??

My mom has been talking to me about this as well....It's hard to keep loving someone who is emotionally & financially draining me. I am not willing to accept this lifestyle anymore. There are so many people I could be with, if I wanted, that would be much better to me & for me.


3. Are you going to be the sole "breadwinner" so he can do his "habit"?

A very big NO on this one...it leaves nothing for me.


4. If you are arguing now, what is it going to be like later - if he wants to use your money for his habit?

I understand he already has a BIG debt.......and it's nothing to do with me...I'm not giving him any $


5. Have you thought about what your future may "look like" if you stay in this relationship?

My future is "going nowhere fast" with him....I can see that nothings changing.

Not only is filing bankruptcy a "life altering event" in your life right now, sounds like you need to make some more "major decisions" regarding what is important to you for your future......

DO YOUR SELF A FAVOR.............

Make a list of all the important things to you in your life right now.
Make a list of your goals for the future and what you want it to be like.
Make a list of things in your life that need to "change"....

Minny, thank you, I will do this today, put them aside and look
Make these lists, lay them aside for a few days, then go back and read them again and compare them.......

THEN MAKE YOU DECISIONS - AND STICK TOO THEM.................

Always remember "NOTHING IS FOREVER - AND SOME THINGS ARE ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME IN OUR LIVES".....

You know, I can just sit & cry thinking about all the stupidity involved in my relationship that caused my bk...my bf keeps saying I am the most negative person he knows...well, I wasn't like that before he blew over $500K on crack...I think that would tend to make one a bit negative...


When the bad out weighs the good in our lives - we eliminate the bad........... that's how we SURVIVE!!!

I hear you & I thank you for your words of wisdom

[nervousSC]

For what it's worth....

When I was in a very self-destructive relationship with my daughter's sperm donor I was in therapy and my therapist asked me a question that hit me to the core, she said, "Don't you want your SELF back?" I had lost my SELF....I had given it away, and now I won't ever lose my SELF again!

HTH

[AMISLANDER]

I hear ya on this one!

For what it's worth....

When I was in a very self-destructive relationship with my daughter's sperm donor I was in therapy and my therapist asked me a question that hit me to the core, she said, "Don't you want your SELF back?" I had lost my SELF....I had given it away, and now I won't ever lose my SELF again!

HTH

I lost a "part" of my SELF, too....need to put it back into place

[Minnymouth]

NEVER forget who YOU ARE, and what makes you YOU!!!!

Share your life, your love, your feelings, your thoughts, your emotions with a chosen partner............BUT NEVER CONFORM to be what THEY WANT YOU TO BE..........

NEVER LOOSE YOUR OWN IDENTITY..... you don't have too to be loved.

Too many people fall in love, marry or live with someone, and become what that partner wants them to be...... THEN YEARS DOWN THE ROAD...... they look back and say "who am I - what happened to the real ME??"..... and they don't even know themselves anymore....

[edwards2]

Amen to that Minny...I was married to an abusive man for 2 years. I did become completely subserviant to him: I put up with his abusive behavior, cheapness and total disregard for anyone but himself and then came the rude awakening when I had a dr ask me what was I punishing myself for? They told me not to let him bring me down to his level. He had robbed me of my self esteem. I look back on my life then and wonder who that person was. Talk about your wake up call. I got out of that marriage and remarried a really nice guy. Sure we have issues but what marriage doesnt...what we do have is mutual respect for each other..something severely lacking in my first marriage. So Amislander...you dont have to put up with your husband's behavior. Life is too short to waste it on someone who obviously cares about himself first, last and always. As long as you put up with it he will dish it out. He only has as much control as you allow him to have. And most important of all are your children. Is this the kind of life you want them to have? What does that tell them about how a family should be, much less a father? Fortunately I didnt have any children with my first husband. We are all here to help and support you...keep the faith your children are worth it and so are you.

[Minnymouth]

Edwards2,
Amislander is dealing with a current boyfriend with a habit, not a husband, boyfriends are easy to get rid of................ kick em out........ or walk away......
Her children are with her ex-husband in AZ because of the mold in Florida.... they share joint custody....
For what reason she is divorced, is not our concern or our business, but she has shared her issues with us over the current boyfriend, who 1. has a bad habit, 2. does not help financially, and 3. does his thing with no regards to her whatsoever, 4. will use her money to support his habit if she lets him.

SO.......... best thing she can do - is GET RID OF THE PROBLEM..........

Get a complete "new start" in life..........from the bottom up................. starting with bankruptcy and adding the boyfriend to the "discharged" list!!!!

Hope she takes the suggestions, and finds someone who is truely worth her affection and love....... and will be a "working partner" in a loving relationship in the future.

Life has much to offer, why settle for less!!!

[AMISLANDER]

It's getting better?

"For what reason she is divorced,"

*I got divorced back in October 2000 because my husband got his nurse pregnant for the third time and this was right after I found out he had been having an affair for the previous two years....2 abortions & one baby later, I decided enough was enough and got my paperwork in order....yes, my x was a doctor.....what next, eh....

Well, looks like the boyfriend has had some $ put away...interestingly enough...and is handing it over tomorrow...maybe I blew up too soon? But it likes like close to $1K....you just never know, do ya?

In the past 10 years I have gone through divorce, loss of children (custody), drugs, abortion, IRS bills, and bankruptcy not to mention mold & hurricanes....and by god, I do think we're in for quite a hurricane season this year on the gulf coast....16 days till I'm off the island....

[Minnymouth]

YES, it's TIME FOR A NEW BEGINNING.............

Hopefully your man will "come around" and be the kind of man you would want to spend the rest of your life with - yes, miracles still happen - though they are rare......

Sounds like your "cup runneth over" for a long time...... time to pour a new cup!!!

Keep us posted

[SinkingFast]

Well, looks like the boyfriend has had some $ put away...interestingly enough...and is handing it over tomorrow...maybe I blew up too soon? But it likes like close to $1K....you just never know, do ya?

[/I]

Your story sounds kinda like my neighbor out in MO.

When they moved in they weren't married. Never had been. Had been together for 20 years or so and 4 kids. But never married.

We were doing a garage sale together and I finally got up the courage to ask her why they never married. She said he'd never asked. Well he did kinda, sorta once. He bought a ring, kinda tossed it at her when he came home one day from work, and said, "Maybe we should get married." She told him to try again when he could do it right. He never did.

The whole time they were together, she supported the family. Paid the mortgage and utilities. Bought the kids' clothes. He only chipped in here and there and paid "his" bills. When they split up, because they had kids together and owned joint property together, they had to go thru Family Court just like a married couple would of.

The Judge ordered an appraisal of their house, deducted out the mortgage and ordered either one would have to buy out the other's equity or the house would be sold. The gal tried to finance her part of the equity to get the house, but she couldn't get a bank loan for it. The guy paid her $20K in cash and bought out her equity in the house from her.

Seems, all along, he'd been sending his extra money to a bank account out of state somewhere. Socking it away for a "rainy day".

You never know what money some men are hiding away somewhere.

[AMISLANDER]

Well, this one...

...paints...but his job at the moment is landscaping. Apparently, he's picked up a side job that's paying well.......we'll see.......it's very emotionally draining, this bk...along with my other issues....I'd really like a dog at this point, but I'm never home & it would probably look at me & get scared...

[sunshinesas]

Addicts are an entirely different problem to cope with:

As if bankruptcy weren't enough. To deal with being co-dependent or dealing with an addict would be enough in itself to put you over the edge. I am on many boards for support of family and friends of drug addicts and read everday the destruction an addict places on the lives of their loved ones. Please get some help on how to deal with this problem. There is plenty of support and information on the web, if anything, that could bring you back some peace and sanity. I read mostly in the range of support of friends and families with meth or crack addicts in their lives but there are plenty of other addictions covered in support forums as well. God Bless, take care, Sue

[sunshine08]

Amislander - this to shall pass. First of all, once in a while you have to be selfish. If you don't look out for self, who will? Look at your kids and realize that they learn from what they see, not what you tell them. Be proud of self and they will be proud of you. If bf wants to keep living like that ok, sounds like he is handing out a bribe to get your attention, if he really wants a life with you he'll get it together.
I have faith in you to get it together!!!!