just need to vent today--big fight at home!

[jane taylor]

I know things will get better, but am really stressed today. This AM my husband and I got into a really nasty fight. Twice over the past month I've accidentally thrown out important documents. (Thank goodness I found the oone today!) I accept responsibility for it, but also told him I don't like the kitchen being so messy. Boy did it ever get ugly!

Any stress management tips would be welcomed. We have a teenager with ADHD and I also found out yesterday from a family member that I was sexually abused by yet another neighbor!

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Minnymouth]

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, LET IT OUT REAL SLOWLY, AND CALM DOWN.....

Bankruptcy can really put the "hurt" on a marriage also....
tempers flare, each one feels to blame, and money is very tight during the bankruptcy process... and especially during a Chapter 13.

Bankruptcy is hard enough dealing with WITHOUT trying to deal with other things that have happended in your past at the same time.....

Let the past be the PAST....... you need to look to the future and think POSITIVE......

Take a few minutes 15-30 out of your day, find you a quiet place, and try meditating....... think only of good things............ Take a quiet walk, sunbath a little, or take a short nap...

Tell your spouse HOW you are feeling - remember he is stressed out also... (he may feel like a failure, very unsecure, a bad husband and bread winner).

Try not to take the stress out on each other.

The important documents - make a special "place" for those documents only for BOTH OF YOU to put them.....

Life is difficult enough, without the extra "bumps" in the road.............

Hang in there,

Minny

[SinkingFast]

I don't know Jane.

Hubby and I have had a few rounds as well. I'm trying to be pro-active in this whole thing and hubby wants to let the attny do whatever the attny does.

I learn stuff. Tell him about it. He blows up. He says I'm driving him crazy. We are paying an attny. Let the attny do the work they are getting paid for.

I'm just trying to have all the bases covered as best we can because the attnys won't do lots of this stuff for us. Hubby just wants to file, get this all over with, and move on with the rest of our lives.

Do we sell our truck before we file?? That way we control the money. We can be sure the Lender gets paid and the IRS gets paid. Hubby initially wanted to take the truck into the BK and hope for the best. If the Trustee screws us over, the Trustee has to answer for that when he/she meets their maker face to face. After he had a chance to think about it, Hubby decided we best sell it before we file.

Yesterday, I get a Cashier's Check to pay our rent. I see printed on the check that it's drawn against funds secured by CitiBank. Citi is the backer of one of our CC's that we have a huge balance with. But I can't find anywhere on the Net that Citi owns the bank our checking acct is with. Does this mean that CitiBank can freeze our checking acct and take the funds?? I don't know and can't find out for sure. I tell hubby about it. That if CitiBank is the owner, they back one of our CC's, they can freeze our checking acct. Hubby gets mad again.

These aren't the kinds of things an attny is gonna tell us about. Tell us what we need to do or not do. The attny will only file the paperwork and go to the 341 meeting with us, basically.

BK is very stressful for everyone involved.

[Jman30]

I totally agree with Minny. Filing Chapter 13 has been the hardest thing on my marriage since we were married. Minny is right - sometimes, I do fail like a failure as a husband and a father. I feel like I can't provide for my family. I feel like I let everyone down.

My wife and I have good days and bad days about the BK...sometimes, when our friends are out doing fun things or going on vacation....it hurts. When my wife wants to do something to the house like paint a room or look into a new living room set to replace the old ratty one we have.....it hurts.

But in some ways, it has brought us closer tovgether. It has forced us to sit down and talk about a budget and talk about monetary issues. It has forced us to spend more "quality" time together, renting a movie or going camping instead of take a big fancy expensive trip and barely interacting.

Althought this BK has been one of the most difficult parts of my life, I do feel like it has strenghtened our marriage.

Although I admit...when she came home with a bag from Lerner NY the other day, I almost blew my gasket. LOL

[jane taylor]

Thanks. It does help to know we are not alone. We are new to all this and it IS hard. We have had some other difficulties as do other marriages and don't need the extra stress of the "little things."

[edwards2]

We can all sure identify with the stress BK causes and the fallout; namely, the tension between husband and wife and everyone else for that matter. It is very emotionally taxing and you guys have to work at it being on the same side instead of feeling like you are fighting each other. To stay sane you have to keep reminding yourself you are in this together. It is easy to blame each other for the financial mess but really what good does that do because you still end up in the same place. I was so hostile and angry toward my husband it is a wonder we survived the whole process. But somehow or another we managed to get through it and you guys will too and you will be stronger as a result. I do agree that you do need to do your homework whether you have an attorney or not. Of course you are paying him to take care of it but think about it...who is the loser if things dont work out and he gets paid anyway. I have said before this forum was my lifeline and my survival kit. You just need to talk to someone and sometimes other than your spouse. It gives you a chance to vent with totally non-judgemental and unbiased people...Good luck...

[SinkingFast]

We haven't done "The Blame Game" thing. We just don't see eye to eye about how to get up to filing the BK.

I can well imagine after we file, there won't be anything that we can do to control things. The BK will have a life of it's own from that point on.

The financial crunch has been great for us in some ways. We are closer as a family. For that, I am thankful.

[jane taylor]

Yes, I'm feeling much better now!!

My husband and I talked a little last night, we set up a system for organizing important papers, and I got some much needed extra sleep!

I have to keep telling myself that the past is the past and that the present is wonderful and I have a bright future ahead. I'm only 29 Twice!! LOL

Thanks again.

[bkadv]

Chapter 7 can be stressful also. My husband and I didn't agree from the start.
I wanted to keep limping along and cash the 401K, and keep paying the debts. Basically we would have been about 70 before we saw the light of day.
In the end (which I hope is near) we will be so much better off. I've been able to stay at home with my baby, and just be poor for awhile without the added burden of debt. Granted that I've had health issues along the way it's still been worth it!!