I know, for a great many of you, you're facing bankruptcy due to circumstances outside your control. Job loss, health issues & the resultant medical bills, etc etc. While that doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure - at least there are *valid* reasons for your bankruptcy.
But - if anyone else here is facing this situation due only to your own stupidity -- how on earth are you dealing with it???? (I hope there are maybe just a couple other people in that position...that I'm not the one & only one!)
I've certainly made my share of mistakes in my life - no doubt there - but I can't think of any time that I have been so absolutely ashamed of myself, disgusted with myself, outright hated myself for what I've done, and felt like such a total failure.
I can try to rationalize a very teeny-tiny small bit of the "blame" to mental health issues. I'm bipolar w/ a very strong tendency towards the depression side of the illness. Severe enough that I finally had to go on SSDI for it, after going through years of never being able to hold down a job for longer than maybe 2-3 months at most & then 'having a bad spell' & hitting rock-bottom, several times bad enough to be hospitalized for quite some time. (ok, there's another source of shame)
But for a good while, I was doing a bit better - thanks to an incredibly supportive loving husband, who helped me so much & I suppose, rather sheltered me from any major stressors to a large degree, so I wouldn't have severely bad spells again, at least not very often. Then 4 years ago, my husband died & I fell completely apart again. I didn't have a psych doctor at the time, as we had just moved, so my general practitioner put me on just anti-depressants, one of the newer ones They weren't helping a whole lot so he upped the dosage. I'd never had any serious issues w/ full-force mania in the past -- so didn't really know how to recognize the warning signs & I wasn't really aware that sometimes SSRI's, when used alone, can make a bipolar person "swing" to the opposite extreme - i.e. go from depression into mania. Ugh - and one very common "symptom" of mania is reckless spending! Due to other physical side-effects, I weaned myself off the meds back in April, and sheesh - in hindsight now, I look back in abject horror at several rampant "bursts" of spending I had - worst one by far at the beginning of this year. Sheesh, and I was always the penny-pincher, super frugal & careful.... I was always so good at handling money in the past -- and now I'm in debt over my head. Almost $12k of credit card debt and at my income level, that is a LOT!!! Been struggling to make minimum payments, but I'm not getting anywhere - keep paying & paying, and the overall debt isn't really decreasing at all, promo periods run out & minimums go up & I'm skimping on groceries & everything else, just to make those payments.
Anyway - I don't dare try to go back on ANY kind of meds again, for fear of triggering further manic/hypomanic states - so the depression is pretty durn bad right now. Mostly I am just SO SO SO ashamed of myself, I absolutely despise myself for being so stupid. No family around any more, and no friends around either, so it's a stinker sometimes to deal with, all by myself. If/when I get through this, and if I don't lose my car, I'm going to try to find a therapist & psych doctor - but for now, I don't even have the money for co-payments or medications.
I'm not making excuses for it --- it was MY stupidity, MY dumb actions that did this - the meds may have contributed, but still, it was MY doing...and it's solely MY fault that I'm in this mess...
Is anyone else in this shape, due only to your own stupid self-destructive actions??? If so, HOW on earth are you able to cope with the emotional side of all of this? The shame & sense of failure is just absolutely overwhelming to me. I know, if I get a discharge, it will be a relief to be out from under the debt - but the sense of shame & failure will still be there, I'd think? I go to bed at night crying most every night, just hoping that I don't wake up in the morning, I feel that crappy about myself because of this. I keep trying to "talk myself up out of it", 'think positive' and all that crap, but .... Good grief - I'm in my 50's, I'm not some young kid who could maybe be excused for being careless. *I* should know better & have never acted SO stupidly & recklessly with money.
Thanks for listening..... I never would have imagined myself to be in this position -- at least not by my own doing!!! ugh I'm ashamed to be writing this, guess I just wonder if anyone else has ever been THIS dumb, or if it's just me..... I know people may say 'don't be ashamed' - but how can one help it, when you've done something THIS incredibly stupid?? HOW do you deal with that, how do you come to terms with it & be able to ever look at yourself without disgust again?
But - if anyone else here is facing this situation due only to your own stupidity -- how on earth are you dealing with it???? (I hope there are maybe just a couple other people in that position...that I'm not the one & only one!)
I've certainly made my share of mistakes in my life - no doubt there - but I can't think of any time that I have been so absolutely ashamed of myself, disgusted with myself, outright hated myself for what I've done, and felt like such a total failure.
I can try to rationalize a very teeny-tiny small bit of the "blame" to mental health issues. I'm bipolar w/ a very strong tendency towards the depression side of the illness. Severe enough that I finally had to go on SSDI for it, after going through years of never being able to hold down a job for longer than maybe 2-3 months at most & then 'having a bad spell' & hitting rock-bottom, several times bad enough to be hospitalized for quite some time. (ok, there's another source of shame)
But for a good while, I was doing a bit better - thanks to an incredibly supportive loving husband, who helped me so much & I suppose, rather sheltered me from any major stressors to a large degree, so I wouldn't have severely bad spells again, at least not very often. Then 4 years ago, my husband died & I fell completely apart again. I didn't have a psych doctor at the time, as we had just moved, so my general practitioner put me on just anti-depressants, one of the newer ones They weren't helping a whole lot so he upped the dosage. I'd never had any serious issues w/ full-force mania in the past -- so didn't really know how to recognize the warning signs & I wasn't really aware that sometimes SSRI's, when used alone, can make a bipolar person "swing" to the opposite extreme - i.e. go from depression into mania. Ugh - and one very common "symptom" of mania is reckless spending! Due to other physical side-effects, I weaned myself off the meds back in April, and sheesh - in hindsight now, I look back in abject horror at several rampant "bursts" of spending I had - worst one by far at the beginning of this year. Sheesh, and I was always the penny-pincher, super frugal & careful.... I was always so good at handling money in the past -- and now I'm in debt over my head. Almost $12k of credit card debt and at my income level, that is a LOT!!! Been struggling to make minimum payments, but I'm not getting anywhere - keep paying & paying, and the overall debt isn't really decreasing at all, promo periods run out & minimums go up & I'm skimping on groceries & everything else, just to make those payments.
Anyway - I don't dare try to go back on ANY kind of meds again, for fear of triggering further manic/hypomanic states - so the depression is pretty durn bad right now. Mostly I am just SO SO SO ashamed of myself, I absolutely despise myself for being so stupid. No family around any more, and no friends around either, so it's a stinker sometimes to deal with, all by myself. If/when I get through this, and if I don't lose my car, I'm going to try to find a therapist & psych doctor - but for now, I don't even have the money for co-payments or medications.
I'm not making excuses for it --- it was MY stupidity, MY dumb actions that did this - the meds may have contributed, but still, it was MY doing...and it's solely MY fault that I'm in this mess...
Is anyone else in this shape, due only to your own stupid self-destructive actions??? If so, HOW on earth are you able to cope with the emotional side of all of this? The shame & sense of failure is just absolutely overwhelming to me. I know, if I get a discharge, it will be a relief to be out from under the debt - but the sense of shame & failure will still be there, I'd think? I go to bed at night crying most every night, just hoping that I don't wake up in the morning, I feel that crappy about myself because of this. I keep trying to "talk myself up out of it", 'think positive' and all that crap, but .... Good grief - I'm in my 50's, I'm not some young kid who could maybe be excused for being careless. *I* should know better & have never acted SO stupidly & recklessly with money.
Thanks for listening..... I never would have imagined myself to be in this position -- at least not by my own doing!!! ugh I'm ashamed to be writing this, guess I just wonder if anyone else has ever been THIS dumb, or if it's just me..... I know people may say 'don't be ashamed' - but how can one help it, when you've done something THIS incredibly stupid?? HOW do you deal with that, how do you come to terms with it & be able to ever look at yourself without disgust again?
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