filing chapter 7, friends not supportive

[casper735]

I feel like I have no other choice than to file chapter 7. I have been struggling for years and did not realize how far I had taken myself and husband in debt until a week ago. I tried to discuss this with a friend and was amazed at how NON supportive she was and how I was the bad person.

A summary of things:
Credit card debt/bank loans - 69,000.
Mortgage - 133,000
vehicles- 2 totaling 25,000

I work 3 jobs, hubby works 2. We have 4 children, (3 teens).
We built a house a year ago and things were perfect then. I did have the CC debt but was able to make ends meet. One of my accounts went down the drain and the money was tight. Took on another job and was not making as much as previously. Money became tighter. Bright idea for another business venture (catering) in March. Went to bank and got loan for 2500 and thought things were going to be great. I did use 2 of the cards for supplies, etc.

Upon further investigation, Health dept. would not grant approval to be able to work from the home. Started preparing ground, etc., to build a small shop at our residence for the business. I ran out of money and the legal things involved with the health dept. seemed to be too much to handle.

Thought I could just continue on as I have been. Late April was not able to pay some CC bills. Hubby got a CC with a small credit line, 300 and used it to fix the car. He was not really aware of all the bills that I had been juggling all this time. Started getting phone calls the last couple of weeks in April and everything started snowballing. I really thought I could handle everything. When things got to what I thought was the bottom, I called CCCS for help. I was told that I was in way over my head and I did not make enough money to cover my bills, let alone cover my debt. I really did not realize just how bad I had made things. I thought I was doing good. CCCS talked to me for over an hour and after looking into a "true" budget, he was right. I did not have enough money to actually take care of my family, let alone take care of my CC debt. He suggested BK.

Hubby talked to a lawyer and he suggested chapt. 7. Once we started talking about it and looking into budgets, etc., I was far worse off than I originally thought.

Some questions I have (attorney assures me it will be okay) is that first Hubby got new card in April (unaware of all mine) and used it. I used 2 CC totally a debt of 2500 in February and March.

I got a transfer loan for 11,000 in December that I used solely for transferring debt, 3 CC and 1 loan. (Really thought I had done something good)

All my bills have been paid on time until 3 weeks ago. In all reality, there is no way possible to catch back up, the snowball is rolling down hill fast.

I lost another account and my secondary income has decreased by 800.

Annual income is 63,000 between hubby and I.

Have I made the right decision or am I really a bad person for making such a decision. I am 220,000 in debt with an income of 63,000 a year. What have I done to myself?

Another question, and at this point it is really of no concern, but I do have a Citibank card with balance of 5500. I bought furniture on this card a year ago. Attorney says we can keep it as it is furniture, but would that not be considered a secured card since I bought furniture with it through a local dealer who used Citibank as their financing agency?

Thanks so much for reading this far. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I did pay the attorney his fees Friday, as I was told not to pay the CC debt anymore.

I am scared, depressed, and crying all the time. I have never been so scared in my life and my friends are not supportive at all. The comment both made to me was " you just have to work harder to pay your bills, I am...."

[cloudship]

I am not trying to be mean to your friend, but it sounds to me your biggest mistake is in thinking this person is a friend who you could turn to when you needed help. You are no worse off than many other people. Think of all these huge companies with executives with huge pay and THEY declare bankruptcy. Look at Donald Trump for that matter.

I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and find some real friends who are there for you. You have recognized your situation and are doing something about it at least. Which is better than syaing well, somebody has to do something and leaving it at that.

Good luck, and hold your chin up - you have done nothing wrong.

[robivi3]

Sounds familiar, the snowball rools fast once it's going. We are all here, when you are down just type away. Have to go out now, back later...

[dck]

Casper735:

I understand your fear. The reason you have that fear is because you are in unchartered territory. A person (or couple) work all of their lives and see everything fall apart. Marital stress, family stress, embarrassment, judgemental so-called friends, all of it adds up to . It will get better, but hanging on to any friend's approval will only make the agony that much worse.

I can say this because I and my wife (and kids) have been through the same thing because of a job loss. Fear took a hold of us, tension was the order of the day, every day. Some friends and family looked at us as "failures". However, I am learning after over a year of Chapter 13, that their opinions and judgements are of no value to me. I used to wonder where there were people that truly understood the fear and heartache involved in such a financial nightmare. (Also, the "snowball" theory is right on target, it gets bigger and bigger and bigger trying to fix it until you are exhausted.)

I have found that 99% of the time the only people that truly understand are the one's that have been there. The one's that have lost jobs, had medical expenses beyond reason or perhaps even had overzealoous financial ambitions and other reasons I'm sure, these are the people that truly understand your plight. Anyone I have ever discussed BK with that has filed BK has shown compassion.

If you are a person of faith then please allow me to say to you that there is nothing to big for God. Remember, when you are down at your lowest, He is carrying you. So...chin up, eyes forward and force that smile on your face. Your defeat will likely turn into financial victory down the road. I didn't mean to preach, only to encourage.

Hang in there along with your family. There are people that understand and don't think you need "more" jobs between you and your spouse. It will get better.

[casper735]

Thank you

I am amazed at the support and bright outlooks here. I have spent the day looking through the posts and feel I stumbled onto this forum for the right reasons. You do not know how much your kind words mean to me and my family.

I have always tried to be there for everyone around me, to listen and try not to judge. It is my turn now and seems that everyone has turned back on me and my family. It amazes me that people I have never met can offer me more support that someone I have known for years.

Thank you again and I plan on visiting often for support and to support others. I feel a sense of relief already to actually have a plan in motion and I know it is going to be a long road but I can take it one day at a time. I hope to share my story to help others and I hope to learn from your stories. I have a lot to learn and am looking forward to that.

Have a great weekend and know that your words of kindness are appreciated.

Thank you for this forum. I learn more with each post I open.

[robivi3]

Fling will bring relief, followed by a some fear, panic, HOPEFULLY followed by discharge, relief, closing, more relief, 4 mos. later credit check, consternation...questions...how do I get this done, etc..., rebuild phase starts about 8 months after discharge (for families, it is psychological and requires time), followed by hope mingled with less pressure, LESS debt and peace in your home, followed by the slight beginnings of a new financial life.

That is us so far. I have a friend who has friittered away his home, vehicles and today has a great job, makes excellent money and is getting Credit like crazy even though his BK7 is still on his report from 98, Dell, Visa, Brandsmart, Kay Jewelers and comes to work every day in a $40,000.00 Dodge truck and pretends to be in great shape financially. He is in poor health and has died once or twice on the table and is on his way to his third BK, happily. I don't understand why or why you'd want to, yet he seems content. I never wish to pass this road ever again. Todd said it best, afew thousand in the bank is great peace of mind.

[HRx]

Whatever you decide to do..............you and your husband need to take a careful look at how and why you got yourself into this financial situation. And develop a realistic plan, of not getting yourselfs into this sort of situation in the future! I'm making this comment because, far to many people, who file Chp 7 BK, find theirselves back in debt up to their ears within three years of filing for BK!!

Good Luck!

[casper735]

already have a plan in the works

Todd,

I agree with you 100%. I never want to see another plastic card or hear the word credit again. Actually we have been trying to devise a plan this weekend for our future. It was brought to my attention by my husband that I should do away with relying on a checking account and keep it only for our mail off bills. I should deal with cash only so I can actually watch my cash flow and be more aware of what I spend and how I spend it.

I have been researching as much as possible on this forum and on the Internet. It took 17 years to get into the position we are in and we cannot afford to do it again. With the loss of accounts, etc., and everything that has happened over time, I am not guaranteed anything tomorrow. I have to depend on what I have today.

When we first married and did not have any credit, it seems that life was so much simpler then. Our first year of marriage we made 7,000 between the both of us, out of high school and in the real world. It seems that we had more then than we do now and I can recall being happier then. I have worked myself to death and feel I have nothing to show for it other than the fact that I, for the first time in my life, am scared out of my wits. I have no more control of what is going on. Control has been an illusion and I cannot make things better. I am working about 18 hours a day and I have come to the conclusion that it is not going to get any better if I do not do something about it now.

I have been trying to soak in the posts and the answers to them in hopes that they will help me make better choices and plans for the future. The support and information given on this forum is truly a blessing.

[shygal]

Casper739,
We also know the "snowball" theory WELL ! It hits you hard and ,it seams, to hit all at once when you aren't looking.But as you have been reading, things do get better! It took me a long time to realize that, but they do. What helped for us was a lot of research into the subject, " Knowledge is power ". Going to the library, searching the net and simply being on this forum.. is GREAT ! Having a trustworthy attorney is SUPER. These are things that will help bring some type of peace of mind..... good luck to you and your family, keep us posted...

[Minnymouth]

Friends that "don't support you", aren't really good friends!! How would they feel if the shoe was on the other foot......
My friends have all been very supportive. I would NOT have claimed BK if they hadn't kept after me to do it. I was killing myself working 2-3 jobs trying to make ends meet and get out of debt. My health suffered, and I suffered mentally and physically.
My BK has been a unusually "rough" one for a Chapter 7. Very uncommon. But I have survived it so far.
With the help of friends here at home, friends like Robivi3, Shygirl, HHM, and Todd here on the forum I have gained an enormous amount of information and guidance , moral support, and alround well wishes that have helped over the last year.
The strong survive and you will too.
Got questions, JUST ASK, someone will be there for you!
Good luck

[brokeazz]

Of COURSE you shouldn't feel guilty!

Why the hell should any one of us feel guilty for filling BK? WHY FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING WHAT BIG BUSINESS DOES ON A DAILY BASIS?

1) Corporations file bankruptcy all the time and get BAILOUTS from the government! THEY ARE GETTING OUR TAX MONEY !! remember after 9/11 when many airlines suddently claimed that they were going bankrupt immediately because no one was flying? GUESS WHO BAILED THEM OUT? YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!

2) Corporations get government subsidies and welfare up the wazoo. the fact is that without the taxpayer's money, none of the big corps would even exist. Case in point, when the Target corporation wanted to build a new store in the Downtown Minneapolis area, they received $60 MILLION in TAXPAYER SUBSIDIES TO BUILD THAT STORE! that's right. Minnesota citizens couged up approximately $200 each to pay for Target's new store. So guess what? even if you DON'T pay your target ill, they are gonna get your money anyway.

3) the credit industry has built in safeguards (as well as those wonderful government subsidies and corprate welfare) to make it possible for them to still be profitable despite bankruptcies. When was the last time you heard of one of the big banks like CITI or CHASE being unprofitable? They EXPECT it, and have actually most likely found a way to PROFIT from bankruptcy in some twisted way.

SO next time you get GUILT pangs because you can't make ends meet and have to resort to BK, think about how corporations dip into the taxpayers pockets constantly. So you don't pay your bill? They're going to get that money from you through our government.

[edwards2]

My husband and I shared our BK decision with one family member - my brother and a close friend -that is it. I already knew the rest of my family members would be judgemental and that is the last thing we needed. It is a very painful and difficult decision that none of us has taken lightly. We are all learning from our past mistakes so we don't make them again. You are far from being alone and you have a lot of support from the people on this forum. It was a godsend for me to find it too. We are 29 days post 341 so we are still in the not sure it is going to go through stage. We still have 30 to go for the creditors objections but I do feel slightly more optimistic today. Regardless, BK was not the option of choice for any of us but it was the only one we had. Whatever you do - do it know before the dreaded October BK law takes effect.

[tinroofrusted]

I had a similiar experience. My twin sister to this DAY will not talk to me because I filed bankruptcy. She claims that if I would have worked harder, or done this, or that, I wouldn't have had to file. She also called me a lazy bum, and several unmentionables.

Interestingly enough, her husband just lost his job in IT... I am waiting to see what happens when in six months she is in the same boat that I was in six months ago, and she wants to talk...........

Judge not, lest you be judged!