How do you deal with the shame?

[originalhealer]

I filed July 20 and already my 341 meeting is scheduled for August 17. Last day to object Oct 17.

Everything is moving along, but I feel pretty much like a failure. Very few people know about it...no one in my family on either side knows. Only three close friends and only one of those has known me longer than three years. All of my childhood friends and friends that I have known for many years have absolutely no idea what I am going through right now.

I am too embarassed to tell anyone because I just don't want to be seen as a failure. I feel like people already think I am so smart but an underachiever as it is. How do you deal with the shame?

[hhou812hh]

Walt Disney filed for Bk too... I'm sure there are a lot that filed and moved on as he did.

Good luck...

[davidb81]

I have felt that way too. i have already had my 341 and now I am playing the waiting game. I understand what you mean, when I decided to file and my attorney told me how much I was filing on my jaw hit the floor. I couldnt tell you where 99 percent of that money went. I have felt a lot of guilt for being foolish with my money. But It will get better. I started feeling a lot better after the 341. I have forced myself to tell people that I filed BK. It was hard, Definately got some funny looks lol. But I decided that I was not going to bury my head in the sand. I honestly believe that filing Bk was the most responsible thing I could have done. I know that sounds wierd. But for the first time since I got that first pre approved card when I was 18 I came face to face with my situation and ultimately bk was the answer. Yes I screwed up but Im going to move on and be smarter this time. I was also suprised at how many people replied that they too were in financial trouble. Sorry to get on the pulpit lol but hang in there and Good luck!!

[Cmonlottery]

I tell people and I am not ashamed. It is not something I am proud of, but I do fell like a new person since. I paid credit cards for 14 years and don't have a whole lot to show for it(except no savings). Most people who judge us just don't understand it. If I could have paid my bills I would have. I couldn't and didn't see any way out. As a matter of fact my stubborness to try and pay our bills probably cost us a house and a car. The only regret I have is not filing sooner.

[originalhealer]

Thank you, I appreciate everyone's input. And I do know there is a bright side....I get to start over. I have already been looking up information on how to manage my finances, so that I never have to do this again. I just get a little down when I think about what people would think if they knew.

[mymymy]

Ohealer.. these feelings will pass. Filing for BK brings a myriad of feelings to the surface on an emotional level. A helpful thing to try and keep in mind is that filing for bankruptcy is a business decision. This is about money.. nothing else. You haven't cheated on your spouse, killed someone, hurt a child or any plethora of evils that deserve "gulit" or "shame". It's true that some people spend their time polishing the walls of their glass houses- if you know any of them.. I suggest discharging them from your life, too. :P

It's business. That's all. Ask Donald Trump.

[lilkim]

i can understand where you are coming from healer!! the only people i have told is my mom, but she would never judge me. i am also to ashamed to tell others, my husbands family has no idea of us filing bk nor do any of my friends, i just don`t want them to think i am a failure even though i know that i am not. we all make mistakes when we are young and i look at this as a learning experience. and i will never let this happen again. i can`t wait to start off with a new beginning. i have truely learned a very important lesson in life. good luck to you!!! we all have either been there, done that or now in the process. and yes there is light at the end of the tunnel.. it just looks a little dim at this point, but it will get brighter!!!!

[Minnymouth]

Was I ashamed of filing? YES. Was I embarrassed? YES
Have I gotten over it? YES

7 YEARS of working two jobs, fighting to make ends meet, ruining my health trying to pay off medical bills and cc bills from caring for an elderly parent at home is finally over and I can have my life back!

Regrets, yes, I should have filed sooner, but would not listen to friends and family... I had to be stubborn to the point it affected me physically, emotionally, mentally.

There's nothing wrong with "having financial problems" and trying to solve them. The "shame" is creating them all over again, once you get them straightened out.

I'm just thankful that society has left me an open door to "clean it up" and have a life again.

If someone ask if I filed, I say YES - SHOULD HAVE DONE IT SOONER!!!

So don't feel bad about it, don't care who knows it, they don't walk in you shoes......

Get your discharge, clean up your credit report, and get on with having a "life" without the STRUGGLE.

Smile and count your blessings for Chapter 7 as it is right now and is fixing to change.

Good Luck
Minny

[lilkim]

minny, thanks for the encouragement!! you are exactly right. we should not be ashamed, at least we are realizing we made mistakes and are man enough to fess up and do something about it!!! i sit back and look at how hard i had it, me also trying to work 2 jobs, raise 2 small children and keep my sanity. but now that i am filing bk, i feel like a brick has been lifted from me, i can sleep again at night and not be up crying about how i am gonna get my bills paid. my kids even notice the change from being worried and crying alot to the the happier more at ease person i am now, and i know it will just get better once i am discharged!!! so yes minny... you are right!!! thanks for making me realize that filing bk is nothing to be ashamed of. you are making my light at the end of the tunnel get brighter by your words of encouragement...

[edwards2]

You guys are BK therapy at its best. mymymy, my attorney told me the exact same thing; to wit, you did not kill anyone and added my husband and I would not be going to jail. Of course when you are the poster child for nerves saying you won't go to jail was not what I was looking for in the way of encouragement and/or optimism. I am paranoid because I don't want to be converted to a Chapter 13; being incarcerated wasnt even on the radar screen. Maybe it was his crude attempt at sarcasm. minny - I appreciate your words of wisdom too and both you guys have such sage advice for those of us still laboring through the BK process. I think for me the delay just reinforces my anxiety, fear and shame. I wont bore anyone anymore with our tale of woe suffice to say we, like most people on this forum, did not get here from extravagant purchases, vacations, etc. Regardless, we did like several of you and tried to continue to pay our bills despite the onslaught of continuous medical bills, surgeries and monthly meds. I guess that is why I am (slightly) embittered because we have to face the trustee firing squad next week. I hope she doesnt have the gall to question the meds I take for stress. Thanks for all the support. It has helped me personally more than any of you will ever know.

[Minnymouth]

CALM DOWN FOLKS, IT'S ONLY BANKRUPTCY!!

Yes, I went thru the NERVES, PANIC ATTACKS, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, FELT LIKE A FAILURE, WORRY, ETC.

WHY - because I was raised to pay my debts no matter what. It's a "guilty concious" thing that gets you the most.

Now my conscious might bother me but MY MIND IS ALMOST AT REST.

Most of you will have a very simple 3-4 month Chapter 7, no problems, 341 meeting, discharge, and its all over.
In fact about 99% of all Chapter 7's are that way. Rarely does one encounter problems.

Occassionally there is a problem in a Chapter 7 - my case was one of those "surprises". I was in TOTAL SHOCK at my 341 meeting when they told me they were "taking my home". My chapter 7 has been open for 14 months now and still open. I still sit waiting from day to day on pins and needles to see if they are going to let me redeem my home. Right now it is all "pending" till decisions are made. Hopefully I will be able to buy my home back.

And when it is all over with - the party that caused the "problem" will be forced to pay my home off thru a lawsuit. Their "mistake" is going to cost them - and it will be to my advantage........a true blessing in disguise.

If you want to read an interesting Chapter 7 case search "minnymouth" and read my postings about my case.

Be thankful and count your blessings yours was not like mine!!!!!

This forum has been so much help to me this past 14 months - so much you wouldn't believe!!!! Morale support, insight, and suggestions from many on this forum. And lots of prayers too in my behalf.

If you read about my case - don't get upset thinking yours could go that way too...... chances of that happening are very, very slim. My case was one in a million I was told. Course leave it to me to be the 1 in a million!

Why couldn't I have been playing the lottery instead, huh?


But I keep my sense of humor, I keep close tabs on my lawyer and trustee and whats going on, and I'm trying to get on with my life again.

Yes my life is much better now, even though I still am sitting and waiting it out. Filing was the RIGHT THING for me to do at the time and probably one of the best decisions I finally every made. And with the good Lord's blessings I may end up owning my home free and clear because of the "mistakes" of a big corporation.

So hang in there, be tough, be patient, do what you have to do in your best interest, and DON'T SWEAT THE LITTLE THINGS!!! (Especially, what someone else MIGHT THINK!)

File, be honest about it all, have that 341 meeting, and wait for that discharge. Then smile, count your blessings, and say "YES, LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN".....

Good luck to all of you till yours is settled. Have questions, feel free to ask. Anyone one on this forum will be glad to help you if they can even if its only morale support thru it all.

Love this Forum,

Minny

"My advice is not legal advice - it is from "experince only!"

[originalhealer]

Wow,
Thanks again, everyone, for your encouragement. I have a few more bumpy weeks to go, but I know that things will get better really soon. I am already looking forward to rebuilding my credit and learning how to properly manage money. Thank you.