What's a typical time line

[Whittio]

Minny, I think we're somehow related. ;)

As a child, my dad always called me stupid. Even went as far to say he wasn't paying for college because I was too stupid. (I HATE school, wouldn't have gone anyway, I am more the hands on, learn as I go type).. but still.. what an idiot to do that to a child.

He does respect me now as an adult, but he thinks he knows it all too. I told him about 4-5 years ago he needed a "living trust" and he said his "will" was current.. I explained the difference, but yet 3 years ago, he updated his will again. JERK!

In the last 2 months, my grandma was diagnosed with a brain tumor and has since died. Well, SHE had a living trust. NOW my dad sees the importance of one. And yet strangely enough, he doesn't remember me telling him that his "will" was insufficient! The good news is, he is now going to set up a living trust!

I wish he would have taken the bet.. oh how I wish! I would have been one happy camper taking that $100 from him! (he has no money issues at all, in fact, just got my grandma's estate, and once it's settled and the house sells, he'll be walking away with about $300k, so $100 bet was nothing to him, yet he was too chicken to take it.)

Just knowing I am right and he is wrong (AGAIN) will be enough satisfaction to me!

[Minnymouth]

Got my dad's attention when I was 17 - after the cops dragged me off of him for beating my mom up while I was gone one weekend. After that all I had to say was "that's enough" and he'd shut up...
He might have been my Dad (and I did love him) but there was no respect or admiration for him....shame...
And yes I went on to get college education (I paid for it).....so guess I wasn't "so stupid" after all.

Wish he had made you that bet!!!!

Minny

[Minnymouth]

I grew up rough/tough, the hard way, but turned out to be a good person with a big heart!
Got a lot of "street education" under my belt also.......
I am a "survivor"...... and very good at it.... lol

Minny

[Whittio]

My dad is the bully. To this day (I am 37) he still tells me what to do and yells at me. He does it to everyone though. He's very selfish, I live about 5 minutes from him, I have 3 daughters that have unconditional love for him, but yet the only time we see him is at Christmas/his birthday when we have him here, or if we stop by his house.

We were at his house Monday, and he kept *****ing at my daughters for leaving the front door open. For Christs sake, is it THAT big of a deal, will it cost THAT much in electricity if my kids leave the door open for 2 seconds longer then necessary? He's just an A**.. and yes, I wish he would have taken the bet too. But being selfish, he didn't want to possibly lose the $100.

I just inherited my grandma's dining room set, well, I found out Monday when I went to get the chairs, there's one missing. (my luck, the one thing I get from her isn't a complete set). So he takes the chair to his neighbor who makes reproduction furniture, gets an estimate of $450 for 1 chair IF I buy 3 of them.. then he has the nerve to call me to see what I want to do?? well, I can't even afford ONE let alone THREE.

Now mind you, my dad stands to gain almost $300k, you would think he could buy me a d*mn chair right??? NOPE! And I spent 6 hours straight, working for him (not wanting anything in return), in his shop last month, helping him get a set of cabinets ready to spray. He didn't even buy me lunch that day. My kids were stuck inside his house (during their summer) and all I get was his girlfriend complaining they didn't pick up all their toys..

my only question in life is WHY did I get suck with the idiot parents?

I am glad you went on to college. That shows dedication to do what you did. I know your dad knew you weren't stupid, but did he ever SAY it?! That's what makes things worse, when you don't get that pat on your back, even after you have worked your buns off for it.

[Whittio]

I grew up rough/tough, the hard way, but turned out to be a good person with a big heart!
Got a lot of "street education" under my belt also.......
I am a "survivor"...... and very good at it.... lol

Minny

OH my gosh! Those words could have come straight from my mouth! I would help anyone/any time.. not book smart by ANY means, but know how to do a LOT of stuff that educated people don't even know how to do.

My dad was tough on me. We lived 30 minutes from the nearest (very small) town, out in the country on curvy roads. I called home to say my car wasn't running very well, I was 17, it woke him up at 10:30, and his reply was, "if it brakes down, WALK".. and he hung up on me!

BUT, I will say, my dad never pampered me. Never coddled me. Taught me to do things for myself. Too bad he didn't teach my mom the same way. LOL

I was changing the oil/spark plugs etc. in my car at 17 years old (which I had to pay for the car myself too). I am one of the few 'ladies' that I know that wouldn't hesitate to change my own tire on my car.

I am glad he raised me 'tough'. There isn't anything I am afraid to tackle.

[Minnymouth]

My dad was an "Archie Bunker", but a heavy drinking one!!! Very sarcastic, quick tempered, etc. He worked hard every day of his life though and drank the rest of the time. He worked 2nd shift so we saw him very little growing up....He worked, slept, drank, tended to his gardens.... No FATHER image to him at all. Odd thing, his dad was a holiness preacher and raised 7 kids (6 boys-drunks - 1 girl - married a drunk)
Don't get me wrong - I drink in moderation....
Be glad your independent, make your kids independent too.... but also teach them "family"....
You didn't say how old your dad was.......you know they go thru "midlife crisis" also just like women go thru menapause...
The older generation like my parents were, had "nothing" growing up - so they are real conservative on everything - lights, closing doors, hold frig door open, etc..they even do without to save a dime......
Kids my age, 57, are more lenient in our way of thinking but we still have the urge to conserve, watch the bills close, etc.
Now YOUR GENERATION - that my generation raised - we gave most of you TOO MUCH!!! We wanted our kids to have the "good life" that we never had!!!!! And many of us over did it!!!!
Kids in their 20's now, most don't worry about the "cost" of something = they just pay the freight and go on...
Yeah, your dad sounds like he's missing out on a lot in life -grandchildren.... My parents did too....
My dad died at 56 - the drinking got him!! My mom lived to 78 - but never babysit a grandchild but 1 time.......
She lived to have a bunch of great and great-great grand kids but was never around them - her choice!!! In later years - she lived to REGRET a lot of things. Too late then!! NO DO-OVERS!!!
When my mom died some of the grandchildren said they hadn't seen her in 10 years......I asked them "whose fault was that??" They were too busy and she was bed-ridden!!!
Try to be patient with your folks, they will change as they get older and sometimes its not for the good either. In fact, there will be some days you'll want to throw your hands up in the air and say "ENOUGH".....

Be an
Just do the BEST you can, be there for them, overlook their stupidty and simpleness and their actions and words....
CAUSE YOUR SURE GOING TO MISS THEM WHEN THEY ARE BOTH GONE!!!


UH OH, did we get off on another TOPIC???? lol

We need to start a forum on "growing pains", lol........or how to grow old gracefully with getting stupid too!!!!

Minny

[Minnymouth]

And I'm a very good mechanic, myself........my dad did make sure of that!! There's not a whole lot I can't really do myself.....very little!!! Very independent, very self-sufficient.....and its a good feeling too.
There have been a lot of times in the last 40 years if I had to depend on someone - I would have been in serious trouble while waiting on THEM!!!!

Minny

[Whittio]

Well, my dad is only 59, mom is going to be 58 in a couple weeks. I'll be 38 at the end of November. I was the "baby" of the family if you can believe that! Mom had her first child at 16, which caused a LOT of my parents problems. Not only was my dad still very young, too young, to have children, he was too spoiled and selfish. To this day, it's all about HIM. :s

Growing up, we didn't get much because my dad was always spending money on himself. He restored a 57 Chevy, had a Willies Jeep that he restored and took 4-wheeling, had a camper, boat, new truck etc etc. And dad doesn't settle for "in-expensive" stuff. He HAS to have the best of everything, or nothing at all.

Mom just went along for the ride. Didn't make decisions, didn't DO anything except sorta clean & cook. (if you ask her, she single-handedly kept everything together, if you ask my dad, she didn't do anything but sit on her a**). She also makes up some wild stories about all that she did with us kids, funny thing is, I cant' remember any of them?? Her stories or my memory loss?

Mom drinks a lot, too much! If I call her later then 5pm, she's sauced. I was taking her back and forth to see my grandma last month (grandma was dying) and on the way home one time, she kept asking me, "do you think they sell wine there, where can I get a small bottle of wine? What about a mini-mart"? Finally we had to stop for dinner and guess what? had to find a restaurant that served wine. :s

Me, I don't drink or smoke, only started cussing last year when our stupid neighbors moved in and ruined our lives! Before that, we were in church 3 out of 7 days every week. So much has happened in 18 months.. some good, some bad, but it's all been hard! My parents don't even CARE what we're going through. Sad really!

My parents did the best they could given their circumstances. Although my life was far from the "Cleavers", it wasn't quite the "Bunkers" either. I feared my father with every bone in my body. He didn't beat us, but boy he could get pissed if you sneezed too many times.

I do my best with my parents. Neither one of them really want much to do with my family. We're too different. Sad I know, but I still do what I can. My dad just lost his mom, and he never spent time with her, then we found out she was dying of a brain tumor and only had 3 weeks to live. He moved his trailer down to her house (2 hours away) and stayed there until she died July 29th. But even going through her house and cleaning it all out and putting it for sale, he seemed emotionless over it all. He even mentioned to me, "what am I going to do with all this CRAP". It's not CRAP, it was my grandmas stuff! She was a minimalist, didn't have loads of junk laying around. Heck, if my dad died, it would take me YEARS to clean out his house! I thought dad would learn something through all this with his mom, something like, "family is important and you never know when they'll be gone".. but he hasn't changed his ways one bit.

If/when we move to TN, I am trying to talk dad into coming too, so he can be close to us and retire with loads of money in the bank. Just yesterday, he was talking about buying a different house here in California. I just roll my eyes. I told him, "if you don't have a relationship with your family now, I won't wipe your butt when you get old and can't do it yourself".. he thinks I am joking, but I am not! I am basically all he has. My brother is the biggest loser ever. My dad knows I will have to care for him too, fortunately he'll have an estate worth enough for his care, (unlike my mom who won't have a dime to even bury her)

Yes, we're off topic, but still, it's good to know there are others who sympathize with what I am dealing with.

[Minnymouth]

Your parents are my age - shame they don't see the "light" - I know I sure do....................... But I also have two brothers "who don't see the light - about family"(accept their own). Don't get me wrong, they are both "great family men and husbands" and they sure didn't experience it as kids..... So I'm very proud of them in that respect. Only thing is they have gone for 30 years without being "brothers".......SAD.....
I believe in "you can't change the past - but you sure can make the future better - if you try"....
I came home and took care of my dad for 5 months till he died - he sure didn't appreciate it any!!!
My mom, I handled her affairs for about 18 years - the last four she was bed-ridden...
I don't have children, so it was not a real hardship on me to do it. But yet it sure took a toll on my life...
You, it will be entirely different scenario.....you have a husband (who will only willingly give so much), children (that need a mother).
Take a little bit of advice from someone who has been there and done it........
DO NOT LET taking care of your parents "consume your life"....Be realistic about what is "good" for everyone involved. If a nursing home is the only way - then so be it!!!
WHEN THE TIME COMES, Love them, see that they are properly cared for, be there for them when you can... but don't let it destroy your own "family"......
AND DON'T RUSH IT....
Let them do their thing - no matter how weird or reckless they may seem to be in life....it is "their life"...
Help them, but don't bail them out...
Listen to their advice - then live your life as you see fit!!

Minny

[Whittio]

I would LOVE to have a close-net family. My grandma and all her sisters/brothers were (still are actually) VERY close. They get together for every occasion, and even children and grandchildren. But not us. My dad moved us away (which was a good thing) when I was about 4.5, but then never really took us to see grandma much, so it never was 'normal' for us to have big family things.

I know my parents are missing out, and I can't feel sorry for them, it's their choice. BUT, my kids are missing out too, and that breaks my heart that my kids won't have wonderful memories of their grandparents. And don't EVEN get me started on my in-laws.. WHEW, there isn't enough room in this forum for my rants about them.. LOL

[InDebtInMD]

Whittio - your parents are fortunate to have you around - you are definitely 'honoring your father and mother'.

PS - you can sign up for PACER anytime, but keep in mind it costs $0.08 per search on there. Certainly not going to break the bank, but if you check it very frequently it can add up.

Good luck!

[Whittio]

Thanks InDebt! My parents don't really realize how fortunate they are. As with everything in life, they just take it for granted.

I'll sign up for PACER after we get the forms sent in. Mom talked to the paralegal yesterday, and has an appointment to meet with her this afternoon to sign all the papers. Then the paralegal will make copies of everything, and send them in for mom. So by the end of this week, she should be on PACER I think.

My problem with the .08c is that I am WAY to curious, and fear I would check it too often! And that it would add up quickly. I have told my mom 3 times now she owes me the $35 for the software, but she hasn't paid me back for that or anything else. I worry I will have to eat all these costs myself!? I know it doesn't add up to a lot, but for us, on our limited income, $40 or $50 is a lot toward gas or groceries!