any Stay at home moms....ranting...

[whatamess]

Any of you out there? Out of curiousity did tustees and lawyers ask you why you were home and not working? Last time you worked? Give you a hard time?

Im in the middle of my free consults. I have had TWO lawyers so far kind of question this. I dont get it . Common sense would tell anyone unless I had the ability to earn mega bucks to pay for childcare and another car + gas, let alone lunches & clothes its next to impossible for me. We are $50,000 below median income right now, and some want to disucss us going chater 13!!!!! Is this just a bunch of jerks? I even told someone would also have to be here to check in on my mother because she cant even keep the house clean and cook anymore. She has mental issues as well as physical.

My nerves are so twisted now. Then I try to talk to my friend who suggests I put my kid in state run daycare, get a teen ager to watch my other one after school, and not even bother w/this because its going to make me like a looser for 7 years and the lawyers probably just think we are loosers milking the system. She said my husband should take on two more jobs too.

Has anyone ever talked to you like this? Sometimes I think I am to nice. I must have 'DumbA**' written across my face. I didnt mean to be in this position. I dont want to be in it. I want to fix it & never be in it again. Im trying my best. Maybe its because I live in a high income area.

I have NO SUPPORT from anyone except here. None. Not even church pals. Everyone wants to judge.

Thanks for letting me rant.
WAM

[BKTango]

The trustee never asked me and I am not sure if any of the other SAHM's were asked. But our lawyer did ask, and I told him point blank, for the kinda of work I am qualified to do, it would cost me more in gas and after school care for the kid than I would bring home in a week. I also told him frankly I believe in this day and with how the world is screwed up right now someone needs to be home with the kids. It needs to go back to more old fashioned living where a parent can be home with a child. After he looked at me strangely hearing this come our of the mouth of a 33 year old person he agreed.

Don't feel guilty for staying home, that itself is one of the most important jobs to ever have. We too are far below the median income and live in a high income area, you know what? we choose to be this way, why be a slave to what society thinks you should be doing. It's called living beneath your means. Money isn't everything at all, and you and your family will be better off in the long run...enjoying life without stress. Get through this bankruptcy then get through the next step.

[whatamess]

Thanks Tango

I feel exactly the way you do.
I'm now learning to be frugal, use coupons, got rid of all extra cable channels, lowered our internet price by shopping around. We never buy expensive clothes, and shop for stuff on sale. No coach or prada here. Its all about Target. We got pay-as-you-go cell phones too. I figured out before for me to go back to work at this point it would put us in a bigger hole. Another car, at least $4,000 for one is somewhat safe condition, insurance $1,300, gas??? Up to or more than $50 a wee, plus repairs. Child care runs $180-$350 a week. Babysitters want $7 an hour. YEAH RIGHT!!! I went to techinical school!!! I dont know how many working women do it.

We are planning to get out of this town and quite possibly state when this all passes over and we can save a bit.

We had flooding in our basement this week that Ive just finished cleaning up. We lost quite a bit of stuff. This is the third time in three years! Homeowners is a no go. I need to move to the high desert.
WAM

[OutOfMyMind]

I'm a stay home mom too! We have jobs, we just don't get paid $ for them. I am a cook, full time maid, personal shopper, babysitter, delivery person, bookkeeper, the list goes on..

I considered getting a job but the extra expenses just didn't make it worth it.
Whatamess, hang in there! This is the most stress I've ever experienced and staying home give us a little more time to think about it.

Thank goodness for this forum!

[sofarindebt]

I stay at home too.

I was an Admin. Asst. making about $36K/year. I worked even when I had my twins, paid almost 1k/month in daycare. After my third was born 20 mos later, there is no way in heck I am paying $1600/month for daycare. Plus my kids are way more well-behaved now that I am at home with them, teaching them manners and what is right and wrong. They take 2 hour naps in their own bed instead of a cot for an hour at a busy daycare center. For us, this is just the right decision, for me to stay home. I'll be damned if anyone has a problem with it.

[SinkingFast]

I'm a SAHM and no one ever questioned why I don't work outside the home. Not our attny. Not the Trustee. No one.

I think if the Trustee does ask, just tell the Trustee what you said here.

For what your job would pay, less expenses,.......... Childcare, clothing, lunches, transportation, etc,............ You don't make any money.

It is reasonable justification.

[daisey]

I was a stay home mother for 8 years and now that both of my children are in school full time......I sub for the school. We have no family close or anyone to help with them if something should happen. If they get sick I need to be home with them, if they have doctors apts its me who takes them. My husband makes too much money to sacrafice his career for these things. I am the one who has to be available to them at all times, and for that I am grateful. My husband works 56 miles away, and they are my number 1 priority and always will be. I did not give birth to them to allow someone else to raise them. No one has said a word to us not the trustee or the lawyer.
It is hard to justify leaving your children for no more then what you will end up bringing into the home to help pay the bills, after you pay for child care and work expenses. I have done without a lot of things and have shopped at Aldi's and such. We had to move to keep my husband empolyed in a healthy enviroment and home with us instead of over seas. I don't and never will regret filing. We all make mistakes in life. I prefere to call it a life lesson though, I have learned a great deal through this process, and will make better decisions in my future. Can't consider it a mistake if I walk away from it with a good lesson learned.

[Liaah]

Well don't feel bad and don't let anyone judge you.

I am a stay at home woman I have no kids and still don't work. I did lose my job a year and half ago and decided to go back to school and not work. It wasn't the best decision I have ever made, but it was mine to make non-the-less. We have about $85,000 in unsecured debt and my attorney didn't even bat an eye. He asked my husband if he worked, and he said yes, then turned to me and asked me and I said no. No explanation, nothing, I just said no. I could have given him this long drawn out story about me losing my job, going to school, not going back to work, but I thought if he wants to know he will ask. Same way with the trustee. If he wants to know he can ask and I will tell him. I am not making any apologies for my choices. I am the one who has to live with consequences no one else.

So don't you feel bad. Do what is best for you and your family. No one really knows what they would do in your position unless they have been there.

[whatamess]

You all are the best..

I knew I could get some kudos and understanding here. I dont know why the lawyers made deal over it. It suprised me! What shocked me more was coming home, expecting to talk to the friend in the world closest to me and having her bother me. She has been odd lately though, has come into money and that seems to change some people from ordinary loving people to self rightous monsters! I never had guilt until others said something.

On another note, my oldest brought home another perfect report card yesterday. I just wish I could give her something for it, yet she said "It's okay mom, I understand. I like getting good grades anyway!!" What a sweetheart. When I have money again, I am going to treat her to a night out.
WAM

[daisey]

On another note, my oldest brought home another perfect report card yesterday. I just wish I could give her something for it, yet she said "It's okay mom, I understand. I like getting good grades anyway!!" What a sweetheart. When I have money again, I am going to treat her to a night out.

You have given her something - A good heart and knowledge beyond what a lot of children have. A kid saying what she said is wise beyond their years. In my opinion - Mom being there has made a difference. I am sure those good grades are as much yours as they are hers. Who is the one who is there after school to help do homework, and there to show her what matters in life.......Oh I believe its mom.....a stay at home mom! By being there you have showed her she is a priority something special and she apparently thinks it so.

[JollyGG]

I am not a stay at home Mom. Both my husband and I work however when we first started this mess we thought about getting second jobs. I did get a second job just for christmas shopping money and they asked me to stay on a few hours a week.
Our almost 4 year olds behaivor has been horrible since I've been working a couple of hours a week. My last day is this week. It is way more important to us to be there for our children as much as we can. In 20 years our children will remember the time spent with them. Our creditors won't think of us at all. They will just send us our next bill.

The friend who sugested second and third jobs was definatelly not thinking about the impact that would have on your children and your marriage. I just wouldn't discuss it with her any longer.

[spell]

This likely isn't the first time you've gotten misuderstood stares from folks in the working world.

This is just another iteration of that.
Considering the time/effort that goes into a law degree, I'm not surprised they're even more confused. They've been focused on life=work for a long time.

That said, there are some good reasons for them asking. They're probably just keeping their eyes open for the sorts of trouble that would go along with Mom is a cash business possibly hiding assets. The trustee will likely ask. As with all trustee question, answer simply and honestly. Should be open and shut.

[BKOnce]

New statistics show that nowdays... men also want becoming ... well... Mr. Mom 2!

[JollyGG]

New statistics show that nowadays... men also want becoming ... well... Mr. Mom 2!

Two of my co-workers husbands stay home. We eventual plan is for my husband to telecommute or freelance from home. We are just working at getting his career to the point where that is a viable option. Once our kids are school aged we want someone home when they get there, even if he is in the office doing his own thing. Ideally he could get them a snack, get them started on their homework and then work on his own projects some more.
In the meantime the greatest appeal of my job is it's flexibility. I can run to Dr's appointments, come in late, leave early without anyone batting an eye as long as I get my work done. But it's very rare for a job to be that accommodating. Unfortunately, there is no way I could do my job from home.

Even with my flexibility, this month I wish I had a stay-at-home spouse. I have taken four days with sick children; my husband has taken two days with sick children and one day sick himself. Between the ear infection that wouldn't die (three different antibiotics) and two well child checks my kids have been to the dr. 6 times in the past month. My husband, son and I also all had dentist appointments this month. I had to take half a day to run home to get my carpets cleaned (sick baby + carpet = bad).
Today I forgot some things at home as did one of my co-workers. I drove clear across town to get my stuff and wasted an hour of my day. My co-workers stay-at-home wife dropped his stuff off for him.
But on the plus side the time spent home with the kids has resulted in a clean house for the first time in months.

Trust me stay at home spouses contribute a lot to a household.

[demismom]

I'm a SAHM and it's the hardest job I've EVER had! DH stayed with our 2.5 year old at the time (she's now 3) in October last year for 5 days while I visited with my sister in NYC. Had the time of my life - she paid for EVERYTHING but my tickets.

DH and daughter? THey had fun too, but he said he had new found respect for me being home with her all day, every day, it's hard, no breaks, no nothing!