When should I tell the truth?

[RainMoM]

Cuppy, You'll be fine.. just tell him the truth and I bet before you know it, it'll all be forgotton !! like someone else mentioned, heck, he might have filed before too, and you'll never know till you two talk about it.. besides it's not the end of the world !! Life does go on and so will your relationship

[nervousss]

Oh, Nervousss, what a lovely story! I started to tear right up...congratulations on finding your true love. What a gem he is to care so much.

I hope cupcake has the same compassion from her new boyfriend that your wonderful man showed you.

Thank you StartingOver! Money does not buy happiness, and perfect credit history does not make a good relationship. If cupcakes man is worth it, he'll realize that

[jeb]

History(i.e. old age) has shown me:

Honesty is rewarded in relationships.

Keeping secrets creates stress.

Getting your concerns out in the open with your partner is liberating AND draws you closer.

Our negative imagination of their reaction ALWAYS exceeds their actual reaction.

Outstanding advice - especially the second and forth one. - jb

[OhioFiler]

History(i.e. old age) has shown me:

Honesty is rewarded in relationships.

Keeping secrets creates stress.

Getting your concerns out in the open with your partner is liberating AND draws you closer.

Our negative imagination of their reaction ALWAYS exceeds their actual reaction.

[StartingOver08]

Oh, Nervousss, what a lovely story! I started to tear right up...congratulations on finding your true love. What a gem he is to care so much.

I hope cupcake has the same compassion from her new boyfriend that your wonderful man showed you.

[JRScott]

Anyone that would be deterred from marriage because of a bankruptcy is probably going to find another problem down the road they don't like. Honesty is the best policy.

But hey I'm sometimes brutally honest, one person said that I was very white and black, and that with me there are no gray areas. Now that honesty does turn some folks off but I'd rather folks know what they are getting into before hand rather than having them feel I kept important info.

On my profile at a dating site it even mentions that I had a bankruptcy in 2007. I haven't had many hits but I'd rather be honest than having someone think we are going to be rich. Gold and silver I don't have and most likely never will .

[nervousss]

WAS his business, I was too scared to tell him. He has an MBA, and I have a CH7. Does not compute!!

It's not that he makes a lot of money, he's just very smart with the money he makes. He saves and saves, and invests and invests... and I felt like I had just spent and spent

I'm telling you that to tell you this: I was NERVOUS. I was SICK with nervousness about telling him! He knew that we were opposites; he is very tidy, I'm messy; He's low key, I like the razzle dazzle. I was so afraid that it would be a deal breaker for him!

We were getting really serious, and I knew he was looking at engagement rings. I didn't think he would propose for a few months, but I knew I had to tell him before he bought a ring. That way if he wanted to quit me, he could do it without having to unload a rock :/

It had been on the edge of my tongue for weeks and weeks, and one night while we were driving to a movie, it just spilled out. I told him that I had a secret I had never told him, and that I was terrified to tell him. I started crying.

He, of course, assumed the worst. Later he told me he thought I had cancer or HIV or something by how hysterical I was.

It took me literally 30 minutes of crying and telling him how horrible my secret was before I told him the story that lead me up to my horrible shame without actually mentioning the ch7. And then at the end, I told him: "And now I'm literally going bankrupt! I'm filing chapter 7! I am a failure, and you are wonderful, and we don't match because I suck at money!"

He just looked at me for a minute, and then he kissed me. I don't remember what said, but it was something like, "Of course we match. Stop the crazy talk!" And instead of going to the movies, (we had already missed the one we were going to see anyway,) he took me to Denny's, and we orderd comfort food and chocolate milk. There he told me everything he loved about me, and how greatful he was that he had found me. He never once belittled me or made me feel like I was stupid.

A week later, we went to a financial counciler together to talk about how my bk would impact our future together, and discuss if I should just keep my debt and then pay off everything together after we get married.

In the end, I decided to go with the BK. I wanted to come into the marriage clean of all of my past stupidness. I have a 10 year scar on my financial history, but I decided that was better than letting my honey be a white knight and work his butt off to pay for my mistakes.

Four months later, he proposed.

Don't worry about what your man will think, because now I realize how little it will matter in the long run.

[jeb]

CC, sounds like you have a good thing going for you and your plan sounds good as well. I like your plan far, far better than Stressin's. - jb

[StartingOver08]

Your plan sounds like a good one. You are doing the responsible thing by filing BK, it may just not feel like it now. I think it is wise to let him get to know you better for the next year while you get everything worked out and when the time is right you will have the discussion.

Also, as to him feeling betrayed by your not telling him earlier, you can probably overcome that issue by saying you wanted to handle the solution yourself without getting him worried over your financial situation (or something to that effect). Then he will know that you have the strength to pull through difficult times without dragging others into your situation - and that is a real strength. He will probably really appreciate it too. The main thing is, tell him at the right time when you feel it is right. And of course, good luck meeting his kids!

[cupcake]

I just wanted to post a little update...

I totally didn't expect this, but I'm meeting my boyfriend's kids on Saturday. My initial plan was to tell him about the BK, which I will be filing next week, prior to meeting the kids. He has never introduced a woman he has dated to his kids so it's kind of heavy. He obviously wants me to be a part of his life. But, after much internal struggle and a few conversations with people who already know about my BK, I have decided not to tell him at this point. We've been dating now for three and a half months and finances have not been discussed. We've talked about it generally but we haven't shared income information and such. He did tell me his credit score a couple weeks ago (I was at his house when he got something in the mail from his bank while he was refinancing) but I didn't respond in kind. My BK will only affect him if we get married, which is ridiculous to even think about at this point. And, even if we did, it wouldn't have to affect him because we could still maintain some sort of individual finances. My biggest fear is that he will feel betrayed if/when I finally tell him (if it would ever come to that). However, my second biggest fear is that if I tell him now, that he will think that I am looking for a financial parachute and/or safety net in him, which is totally not the case. Hypothetically speaking, let's say things go great and we discuss marriage in a year and I finally tell him. He will have had a year to get to know me better, see for himself that I am not a financial failure and realize that I have acted responsibly since meeting him.

I'm completely open to any and all opinions on this - positive and negative.

[jeb]

"I was just thinking that if there's any chance that he IS after your money--he deserves to find out later...MUCH later."

I like that! -jb

[stressin]

"REf this guy and how he will react - unless he is after your money it won't mean anything to him."

I was just thinking that if there's any chance that he IS after your money--he deserves to find out later...MUCH later.

[stressin]

"Me, I would strike up a conversation along the lines of, so what do you think about all those people that have/had to file BK over this whole mess? If you get a soap box answer along the lines of "well they should have been better prepared and I think they should not be allowed to file BK" you pretty much know what your up against. But he might say, ya those poor people, I got screwed once and had to file....blah blah...or ya, I am about to file myself...LOL"

Just my opinion, but a lot of people will tolerate or understand something that happens to someone they CARE about a lot sooner than they will try to understand or relate to the "faceless masses." It's sad--but it's human nature. How he feels about bankruptcy in general is probably NOT a good indicator of how he will feel about pursuing a relationship with a particular someone who he is starting to have feelings for who may have to file for bankruptcy.

Hope I am making sense here. Before I found myself needing to file bankruptcy I believed all that stuff about bankruptcy--that it was walking away from obligations, that it was the easy way out, that it should be avoided at all costs, etc. Personal experience, or sharing an experience of someone that matters to us can change your views on this stuff VERY quickly.

I figure you have two options--and either one is fine, in my opinion. Tell him NOW--just say that you know that financial issues are very important to some people and you'd rather know NOW if it's a dealbreaker for him--not waste both of your time, etc. OR, you can enjoy dating a guy you like, who likes you, and see where it goes--bringing your bankruptcy up LATER, around the same time that you would share other personal information that could impact major decisions that you would make TOGETHER. If you aren't making financial decisions TOGETHER, I don't feel like you have an obligation to tell him about your finances--but if it would ease your mind, just drop it like a hot potato the next time you go out for dinner. If he bails--you deserve better, and count it as his loss.

For what it's worth, I don't think that this is an inappropriate topic. We have discussed when and who to tell on various other occasions. It's something that people wonder and worry about. I can also understand thinking, "Okay, what is my bankruptcy going to screw up NEXT..."

[floridian]

i just met a real nice lady.... i told her that im CEO of shell oil company and that im on secret assignment with the CIA...
do you think thats wrong?

ok, i couldnt sleep last night thinking i hadnt been completely honest with this lady... so, i called her first thing this morning and confessed...

im only "vice president" not the CEO! i feel a lot better now, thanks for getting me back on course!
p.s., she is breaking up with me anyway!

[justbroke]

My momma always said, I could marry a rich woman just as easy as I can marry a poor woman.

I prefer the poor woman. Not a dependency thing, but, in actuality, I prefer a person who knows what it is to struggle. I prefer a person who knows how to set a goal and maybe even not achieve it. I prefer a woman who knows the value of a dollar.

That's not to say that a person who never struggled or even have to ask for anything in their lives, is a bad thing.

It's all my father's fault. I should have been born rich.