Marriage struggling during BK?

[tkharvey]

Is anyone else experiencing strain in their marriage during this stressful time? After 20 years of being happily married, we're in the middle of our huge financial "mess" and to make things worse, it's taking it's toll on our usually happy marriage. I know it's bound to be stressful.....just wondered what you all were experiencing. Thanks.

[jeepnut]

We went throught the same thing! The stress, trying to hide it, etc. It's been a year and we are finally back to normal and enjoying life again. My wife and daughter cried almost every night. the hardest part was moving out of our home. We loved it, loved our neighbors, and had been there a little over 10 years. They where balling to say the least, I really thought my relationship was over that day. We made it through all of this. Start going for walks, riding bikes, etc. We made ourselves financially better, but also physically better. I'm actually down 30 pounds from last year, just by eating better and walking/riding bikes daily. You'll feel better and sleep better after a 3 mile walk, plus it's a great time to talk things out. Don't try to hide anything or candy coat things, it just makes it worse. Talk it out, communicate, exercise, stay healthy and positive, things will get better.

[tkharvey]

Thanks for the reply. We, too, are going to have to surrender our home in our BK (our loan mod was denied). My hubby feels like a failure, I sometimes feel that way about myself. Sometimes he feels as he's to blame, sometimes I feel to blame. So many emotions. I look at my daughters and feel said we have to leave here (we built about 4 years ago) after just redecorating their rooms. Sounds silly, I know. My husband has used this time to get healthier and has lost twenty pounds (that he didn't even need to). I, on the other hand, am handling the stress in a different way....gaining weight. We're going to stay in our home as long as we can, rent free. I'm worried, too that we won't find anyone to rent to us. We want a house, not an apartment as we are a family of five. I hope that once we file (we've been holding out waiting on an answer on our loan modification), but now that it was denied, Chapter 7 is in our new future. I do look forward to the day when we have no more debt, only rent payment and utilities. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

[Billssuck]

Before we filed, our marriage was suffering. However, afterwards, we are actually better than we were with all of the money problems. It feels like we have a common goal now and we both went through every step of the process of filing together. Just having the monkey off your back and to be doing something proactive for your situation makes you feel better.

Unlike you, we filed ch13 and are staying in our home. I actually wanted to file ch7 and to surrender our house, but we had some complications that made us sway towards the ch13 and staying in our home. So far so good...

[Crozier]

I am right there with you guys. 20 years of marriage, two teenage daughters, and at this late stage, suffering miserably. I found myself snapping at my wonderful wife, and being very distant. Only after I made the decision to "man up" and sat everyone down to discuss our situation openly, did I start feeling like the "head of the household" again (with my wife's permission of course). I agree 100%, the simplest things in life create the best memories and bond. The long after dinner walks, actually talking during TV-less dinners, and watching DVD movies together, as a family. That is far better than spending $200 bucks at a crowded restaurant or being apart, doing individual things. We are filing next week, I cannot wait to be in control again.

[momisery]

effects on marriage

I would say the downturn in my husbands job has caused marriage problems, yes. I get angry that he loses his job, sometimes angry at the businesses who will not hire him because of his age. Sometimes angry that he doens't fix it I guess. I work full time and he is doing a commission job and doesn't work 40 hour doing it. He plays music on the side and his extra hours are spent downloading music, playing in a band that he hopes will start earning money but is spending a lot of gas money to travel to practice 30 miles one way. I feel his extra time should be spent on retraining. When I try to talk to him he is very stubborn about everything. He does not work with the bills at all, and when I go over them he seems to ignore me or simply leaves it to me. At night he watches TV and plucks on his guitar while I am trying to talk. Recently they thought he had gone thru a mild heart attack, so we now have additionaly debt, but they think it could be his lungs now. I was feeling really bad for his as he quit 10 years ago, thru the years I have caught him 3 times with cigarettes. That was a promise he had made was to stop smoking and I always believe him. This last week I found a pack again, the very same pack that was in his car that he said were not his and he did not smoke that brand. We argued, and he spent the day out playing and spending money while I sulked. I think this is showing us the drastic differences in each other. This weekend he told me I pick on him and act like his mother. My response was that if he remembered things that he promised to do I would not have to keep asking him if he did them. Like shutting out the lights, going to the doctor, calling our BK lawyer, transfering money from his unemloyment check to our bank account so I can pay bills, printing me out copies of his income for our attorney. And yes, I do feel like a nagging mother. I am tired of working and dealing with all of this... and then I stopped and thought this is how he is coping and I am not coping I guess. So, I plan out joining a hiking club, which is free and a cheap sport to do. I have gone back to walking in our area. And who knows, maybe we will work this all out once it is over with. For now I feel I am the only one touched by all of this misery and he is set lose to play. Feeling motherly again? Anyhow, yes it has effected our relationship, maybe we had more problems to begin with then some have, but it is a huge strain. I am hanging in there until it all settles down and then we will find out if there are any pieces left to pick up.

[tkharvey]

Yes, "Crozier", I agree. Our happiest times were when we lived in our old, MUCH smaller house, less bills, less stress. Many of us have bought into the "American Dream" and thought we all had to "move up", only to find the "dream" quickly became a nightmare. (My husband had been making great money as a real estate agent.....how quickly his commission has diminished). If nothing else, I'm trying to look at it in the positive and that everything happens for a reason. Personallyl, it's taught our family not to be so wasteful with everything. I never though I was, but looking back, we wasted so much money, and to realize what's most important......health, fun, family, friends, God..... not this big mansion we're living in that we cannot afford.

[SocalBroke]

Only after I made the decision to "man up" and sat everyone down to discuss our situation openly, did I start feeling like the "head of the household" again (with my wife's permission of course).

LOL! Thanks for my first laugh of the day!

[Flowers]

I hope you all who are "in this together" as they say can get through.
Focus on your health, your children . . . this will pass with the help of laws, and lawyers and the options you have.
I went through this BK alone and just after a terrible divorce.
Please, please lean on each other . . . .

[Annie4]

Yes, I get bitter every now and then if I don't watch it. But I try to watch it.

My husband never worried about bills or money because he didn't used to have much before I came along. Every payday he would pay the rent, power, water, cable and house phone and he was done. The rest he would eat what he wanted to when he wanted to, and grocery shop some when he needed something. Only used cash for gifts. (I want it to be that easy again!!!! lol)

So 21 years later here we are and I'm wondering why it got so bad and how every single thing is my fault. It all comes down to what I did with what little we had to begin with. I was spoiled through my teens, then got married not knowing what the heck I was doing with money or anything else. His pay is direct deposited, so I get it first and pay what gets paid, but I haven't made the best choices.

If I do get out of this mess, if the BK actually works like it looks like it is, I'm going to do things way different this time.

And to get back to the question......The kids still think we're gross makin' out in the kitchen, so that's got to be a good sign? lol

[kenshirley]

Hang in there kids.
We are just approaching 40 years so your 20 should hold up.
Things get better as you go through the process.
Keep each other informed and try to get educated here and elsewhere. Ask your attorney questions that you need to and make sure you understand the answers too.
It helps clam the mind through this process.

[Annie4]

My sweetie husband is over there cooking corn dogs and fries so I could print this 150% poverty income thingy over here and get another copy of his pay checks, and I'm about to pass out from nerves about that Waiver of Fee hearing in the morning.

He's asking me what to wear and I'm saying overalls with holes, but my daughter thinks that'll be disrespectful....don't wanna do that.

[AngelinaCat]

He's asking me what to wear and I'm saying overalls with holes, but my daughter thinks that'll be disrespectful....don't wanna do that.

Wear 'Business Casual' and you will be fine. Good Luck to you both!

[curmudgeon]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have argued about money almost from day one. Our income has gone from very low (16,000) to very high (92,000) and now down to nothing but unemployment. Surprisingly, no matter how much or how little we had, we never seemed to agree on how to manage it or who was supposed to do what with it. The good news, however, is that once we decided to file for bankruptcy, much of the conflict about money began to disappear. We have always had a very strong love and friendship, which is how we have survived the money fights without divorcing, and now we are even closer. I know my husband has been able to move forward and quit being so angry with me because the bankruptcy was caused by his job loss and medical bills, so even if I were the best financial manager in the world, we would have been blown out of the water by losing his income and having his unexpected kidney stone ER bills when we had lost our medical insurance. The entire time we have been married, he has been the breadwinner and having that taken away from him has been very hard on all of us, but knowing how hard it is on him has also made me feel more supportive and willing to work harder on changing some of my behaviors that were over the top in the past. A good example is my kids' birthdays--I have always blown the bank on their parties and my husband hates it. His family did the simple stuff and he just couldn't get why I felt like I needed to spend money to give them happy memories (I feel like I only get one chance to be a good mom and am so scared of messing up that I go overboard). Anyway, our daughter turned 13 last month and I threw a simple backyard BBQ and bought her a $10.00 scrapbook. My husband was thrilled and we all had a great time! This is teaching us all about the simple life, too, and it is a lesson that is long overdue.

[adviceplease]

My hubby is just tired of my talking about it all the time. I worry constantly that the lawyer will take back what they told me, that we will not be able to come up with the money for the lawyer, what if someone objects, what if life is not any better after due to secured loans.....the list goes on and on. I think I have become a nag.