Bankruptcy Humor? Well, yes.(Please don't hit me!)
Consumer confidence dropped to record low levels in February this year, according to a recent report by the highly respected RookUGood Institute For Mood Stabilization. Data pulled from the study reveal the hard facts of life during the current economic doldroms:
1. Old clunkers abandoned in the parking lot behind the Institute's office . . . UP 25%
2. Number of lawyers sneaking out at night to tow the abandoned clunkers home and fix them up . . . UP 25%
3. Number of homeless beggars refusing U.S. currency, demanding Euros or bottles of wine, instead . . . UP 12.2%
4. Number of lawyers wearing cheap used shoes purchased on eBay . . . UP 9%
5. Number of insolvent consumers skipping bankruptcy attorneys' fees by using Affordable Bankruptcy (move out in the middle of the night, leave no forwarding address) . . . UP 13.5%
6. Sales of 99% proof Olde Bankrupcie In a Bottle . . . UP 11%
7. Number of burglars who refuse to steal credit cards because they're all maxed out already . . . UP 97%
8. Number of people whose identities are stolen but whose credit ratings improve because the identity thief has better credit . . . UP 32%
9. Number of identity thieves who return stolen identities after they discover their victims' credit ratings are so crappy . . . UP 37%
10. Number of consumer bankruptcy lawyers who steal their client's identities, because their clients' credit ratings are better . . . UP 50%
11. Sales of state of the art computers . . . DOWN 88%
12. Number of old MD-DOS 386 computers brought in for repair . . . UP 88%
13. Requests for updated versions of WordStar (The FIRST WORD PROCESSOR, Circa 1970) UP 88%
************************************************** ***
One day, the Pastor sees Matthew walking slowly out of Church. Matthew is
dejected, disheveled and looks terrible.
"Matthew," asked the Pastor, "what's the matter?"
"Well, Pastor, my business is shot, I'm losing my house and my wife says
she is going to leave me and take the kids if I don't straighten things
out. I just don't know what to do."
"Matthew, find the answer in the Bible," the Pastor replied. And Matthew
left.
Four months later, the Pastor sees Matthew coming out of Church, only this
time, he's wearing an Armani suit, a nice cap and lighting a big old cigar.
"Matthew, you look great! Did you follow my advice?"
"I did. I went home that day and decided to open the Bible and to follow
the advice I saw. So I opened the Bible and the first phrase I saw said:
Matthew Chapter 11."
************************************************** **
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
================================================== ===
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
================================================== =====
The lawyer came into chambers and, looking furtively around, pulled out a wad of cash.
"Here's $50,000," he said. "I really need to win this motion!"
The judge looked appalled.
"What kind of a judge do you think I am?" he asked, angrily, his face red.
The lawyer sputtered, embarrassed.
"I ... I heard you could be bought!"
The judge calmed down a little bit.
"Son," he said, "were I to take your money, I'd be committing a gross ethical transgression!"
"I see," said the lawyer. "I guess taking a bribe is pretty unethical."
The judge looked puzzled for a moment.
"I don't think you understand. Your opponent has already paid me handsomely. Were I to take your money, it would be a conflict of interest!"
1. Old clunkers abandoned in the parking lot behind the Institute's office . . . UP 25%
2. Number of lawyers sneaking out at night to tow the abandoned clunkers home and fix them up . . . UP 25%
3. Number of homeless beggars refusing U.S. currency, demanding Euros or bottles of wine, instead . . . UP 12.2%
4. Number of lawyers wearing cheap used shoes purchased on eBay . . . UP 9%
5. Number of insolvent consumers skipping bankruptcy attorneys' fees by using Affordable Bankruptcy (move out in the middle of the night, leave no forwarding address) . . . UP 13.5%
6. Sales of 99% proof Olde Bankrupcie In a Bottle . . . UP 11%
7. Number of burglars who refuse to steal credit cards because they're all maxed out already . . . UP 97%
8. Number of people whose identities are stolen but whose credit ratings improve because the identity thief has better credit . . . UP 32%
9. Number of identity thieves who return stolen identities after they discover their victims' credit ratings are so crappy . . . UP 37%
10. Number of consumer bankruptcy lawyers who steal their client's identities, because their clients' credit ratings are better . . . UP 50%
11. Sales of state of the art computers . . . DOWN 88%
12. Number of old MD-DOS 386 computers brought in for repair . . . UP 88%
13. Requests for updated versions of WordStar (The FIRST WORD PROCESSOR, Circa 1970) UP 88%
************************************************** ***
One day, the Pastor sees Matthew walking slowly out of Church. Matthew is
dejected, disheveled and looks terrible.
"Matthew," asked the Pastor, "what's the matter?"
"Well, Pastor, my business is shot, I'm losing my house and my wife says
she is going to leave me and take the kids if I don't straighten things
out. I just don't know what to do."
"Matthew, find the answer in the Bible," the Pastor replied. And Matthew
left.
Four months later, the Pastor sees Matthew coming out of Church, only this
time, he's wearing an Armani suit, a nice cap and lighting a big old cigar.
"Matthew, you look great! Did you follow my advice?"
"I did. I went home that day and decided to open the Bible and to follow
the advice I saw. So I opened the Bible and the first phrase I saw said:
Matthew Chapter 11."
************************************************** **
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
================================================== ===
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
================================================== =====
The lawyer came into chambers and, looking furtively around, pulled out a wad of cash.
"Here's $50,000," he said. "I really need to win this motion!"
The judge looked appalled.
"What kind of a judge do you think I am?" he asked, angrily, his face red.
The lawyer sputtered, embarrassed.
"I ... I heard you could be bought!"
The judge calmed down a little bit.
"Son," he said, "were I to take your money, I'd be committing a gross ethical transgression!"
"I see," said the lawyer. "I guess taking a bribe is pretty unethical."
The judge looked puzzled for a moment.
"I don't think you understand. Your opponent has already paid me handsomely. Were I to take your money, it would be a conflict of interest!"
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