My Husband just isnt involved in this bk and its a burden to me

[PoorNow]

Does anyone else have this problem? We filed Pro Se. That means that I did all of the paperwork myself without any help from him. Now the 341 is scheduled for tomorrow and I wish he was a little more involved! Ive been on these forums, reading and reading and researching constantly! Ive learned a TON that I never thought Id need to know about. I just wish he was doing the same. I feel like he is gonna show up tomorrow to the meeting and its gonna go smooth and its no sweat off his back. Its just hard to be shouldering the entire burden for this thing. Im worried the trustee will ask him questions and he wont have a clue about the answers! Oh well. I think after tomorrow, Im going to be much less stressed out. I cant believe we are almost there.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Does anyone else have this problem? We filed Pro Se. That means that I did all of the paperwork myself without any help from him. Now the 341 is scheduled for tomorrow and I wish he was a little more involved! Ive been on these forums, reading and reading and researching constantly! Ive learned a TON that I never thought Id need to know about. I just wish he was doing the same. I feel like he is gonna show up tomorrow to the meeting and its gonna go smooth and its no sweat off his back. Its just hard to be shouldering the entire burden for this thing. Im worried the trustee will ask him questions and he wont have a clue about the answers! Oh well. I think after tomorrow, Im going to be much less stressed out. I cant believe we are almost there.

Being stressed is not unusual. NOT being stressed is rare. Not being a marriage counselor, I cannot give you a solution except to set him down and explain in a decibel higher than normal, that you are NOT going to shoulder this alone, and IF he will not help, you WILL quit doing a damn thing, and let the chips fall upon him. Then you will address your other attorney in the phone book. The divorce one.

Make it sound convincing. Best I can do for you. I wish you well. 'Hub

[MSbklawyer]

I feel like he is gonna show up tomorrow to the meeting and its gonna go smooth and its no sweat off his back.

Then, if he's a real man's man, he'll take credit for how smoothly things went and say something like : "See, I told you not to worry so much. Now go get me a beer. " .

[AngelinaCatHub]

Then, if he's real man's man, he'll take credit for how smoothly things went and say something like : "See, I told you not to worry so much. Now go get me a beer. " .

LOL!!!! Cool, Dude. Where were you when I needed bk help? LOLOL.

[bkstuff]

I am laughing so hard right now!

I DO feel for you.....my husband is the exact same way, but if we end up filing, I will not do it Pro Se. That would put us in divorce court for sure!! I have done so much researching and he has done nothing except to say, "let's just get it done and file".....but I'm not sure it is the best option for us right now.

Good luck tomorrow!!

[Exployer1234]

Stress is one of the hardest things to go through, and stress is one of the leading causes of why marriages end in divorce.

The worst is almost past you!!!!!!!! Once all of this is over with I would take all the money away from him. When he ask why he can not even have a debit card and had to have an allowance you can tell him that it is because he refused to help out on the bK. So you figured he did not know how to manage everything properly.

It is only fair since you have had to do this all by yourself right?

[ssmdem]

Mine has been the same way. When the creditors started calling, I handed him the phone. He looked at me like I had three heads and said "What? Why me? You're the one who's been taking care of all of this." To which I promptly responded, "You got that right - so you can field all the phone calls that are going to be coming in." He never said another word - but has not argued once when I've handed him the phone. Fair trade I think -- since that was the part I was dreading the most.

[newbie2]

Does anyone else have this problem? We filed Pro Se. That means that I did all of the paperwork myself without any help from him. Now the 341 is scheduled for tomorrow and I wish he was a little more involved! Ive been on these forums, reading and reading and researching constantly! Ive learned a TON that I never thought Id need to know about. I just wish he was doing the same. I feel like he is gonna show up tomorrow to the meeting and its gonna go smooth and its no sweat off his back. Its just hard to be shouldering the entire burden for this thing. Im worried the trustee will ask him questions and he wont have a clue about the answers! Oh well. I think after tomorrow, Im going to be much less stressed out. I cant believe we are almost there.

Some men (many men) cannot handle stress, especially financial stress. Or, they cannot deal with it in a way that shows any emotion. They have a tendency to not talk about what is bothering them. When you started tackling the bk planning and the financial decisions he probably didn't intend for you to be all alone in it, but rather is grateful you are handling it because he doesn't have to think about it.

It doesn't mean that he is clueless or uncaring, it could be that he isn't emotionally equipped to handle this type of stressful situation.

When all this is over with perhaps sit down and have a long heart to heart talk with him about it all. You'll get your burden off your chest, and he may say some things that will help you to see that he didn't mean to lay it all on you.

[RuthCB]

Does anyone else have this problem? We filed Pro Se. That means that I did all of the paperwork myself without any help from him. Now the 341 is scheduled for tomorrow and I wish he was a little more involved! Ive been on these forums, reading and reading and researching constantly! Ive learned a TON that I never thought Id need to know about. I just wish he was doing the same. I feel like he is gonna show up tomorrow to the meeting and its gonna go smooth and its no sweat off his back. Its just hard to be shouldering the entire burden for this thing. Im worried the trustee will ask him questions and he wont have a clue about the answers! Oh well. I think after tomorrow, Im going to be much less stressed out. I cant believe we are almost there.

Yes, I am in the same situation, although I have a lawyer. I own an S-Corp, which makes it even more tricky. We will do the credit class soon, and I don't think he even knows how much our mortgage payment is, much less utilities, etc. I told him at the 341, he needs to keep quiet and defer to me.

[Universal]

I sort of had the same situation. I just figured..... I am kind of a control freak anyway......... so just keep him on a need to know basis. I answered most of the questions at the 341. I think the powers that be can detect pretty quickly who is up to speed and who to ask the questions of. Hang in there. He is probably extremely grateful for you.

[HappyCatNC]

we had an atty, but i still did endless paperwork to prepare.

my husband didn't answer any questions during the 341 meeting - i had to answer them all.

seemed to be a common thing in the cases i watched go before me, so i'm guessing that atty or pro se, it's a universal experience.

[PoorNow]

Some men (many men) cannot handle stress, especially financial stress. Or, they cannot deal with it in a way that shows any emotion. They have a tendency to not talk about what is bothering them. When you started tackling the bk planning and the financial decisions he probably didn't intend for you to be all alone in it, but rather is grateful you are handling it because he doesn't have to think about it.

It doesn't mean that he is clueless or uncaring, it could be that he isn't emotionally equipped to handle this type of stressful situation.

When all this is over with perhaps sit down and have a long heart to heart talk with him about it all. You'll get your burden off your chest, and he may say some things that will help you to see that he didn't mean to lay it all on you.

Thanks for the responses everyone. Newbie, thanks for this especially. I have a feeling this is what it is more than anything.

[rpertusio]

Good Luck PoorNow on your 341!

For me, it's the other way around. My wife is not involved in the BK process, but I don't mind. She is interested, but just doesn't have the attention span or patience for it. If you're like me... you're the bill payer and the 'researcher' of the house.

Your husband probably cares, but is happily 'oblivious'. To many people (and including your husband probably), BK is surrendering control of finances and is shameful (like an admission of failure).

To others (like you?), BK is the process of finally TAKING control. I bet he's grateful for all you're doing, but feels he has no control, or doesn't know what to do. He knows you've done the research, you've spent days on this forum, and that YOU know how to do it. It may just be making him feel 'dumber' (1st for getting into the mess in the first place, and 2nd for not knowing the BK steps to get out of the mess.)

In time, he'll thank you. Even if it's a "I don't know how you did it, but because of you, we don't have to worry about _____ ...". Take the opportunity to tell him exactly how much you are/were in debt, and how you think it happened (without blaming anyone.) Remind him that responsibility with money is important going forward, and that you'll be looking for his support to keep it from happening again.

Lastly, if you're the one doing the bills, now is also a good time to just run down a list of expenses each month, so he knows where $ goes. For instance "The phone bill is usually $xx, The Internet is $xx, Food shopping average is about $xxx a month...". He may be quite surprised. (He might say... "I didn't realize it was THAT expensive...".) Money is easy to spend if it is just one big 'cloud'. It takes diligence to create and KEEP to a budget, but understanding costs can be the first step in getting him to realize how important it is.

BK is a strain on a marriage, but (mostly) great things come of it. You'll both be stronger... you'll both feel the weights lift off your shoulders... and you'll have a 'new beginning' to do things right. Once BK is over, you'll hopefully notice stress levels immediately drop to more manageable levels.

Good luck!

EDIT: As a tip for your 341... I wouldn't worry about it. If the trustee asks him a question he doesn't know, he can say "My wife does most of the finances, she may know the specifics", which opens it up for YOU to answer.

[SMinGA]

Hang in there!

My guess is that in most couples, one is more involved in the money/business management than the other. Its that way in our household. We've gone thru spells where he said he wanted to be fully involved - and I tried to keep him up to date on every little detail. But its more work having 2 people equally co-manage things, and ultimately he's not willing & able to analyze it like I am.

So I do 95% of it... And it works for us. We do have 1 joint checking account, and we each have a debit card for it. All other accounts are in my name only. He checks with me before making any purchase. I don't 'require' that of him - I laugh sometimes when he asks about needing to buy something minor/inexpensive. And he doesn't buy if he can't get in touch with me.

Since I manage the money, I have also been the one to work with our bk attorney. Hubby pretty much will only show up when he must. Though with 3 kids, that is best also!

[irb]

[QUOTE=newbie2;424766]

It doesn't mean that he is clueless or uncaring, it could be that he isn't emotionally equipped to handle this type of stressful situation.


I agree with this statement totally. In this case I'm the husband and I'm handling most of this and then filling my wife in on the information that I'm able to learn. I realized early on that this whole thing is just way too overwhelming for her to handle. At times I would like a little more interest from her in the whole situation, but when I start to feel like that I just think back to the 1st consultation with a lawyer and how amazed she was at how much I learned in such a short period of time. I know she appreciates what I'm doing by stepping up in an area where she's just not able to.

Honestly you really have to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of your spouse. It's way too easy to concentrate on the weaknesses, especially in a time like this.