Just Need To Vent

[Tater]

A similar thing happened to us. I had to include a undocumented loan from my wife's mother, since I couldn't afford for professional licensing reasons to not report the loan. (it is a felony, to not disclose all debt). I told them what we were going through and that ultimately I would make good on the loan, but in the short term I would have to play it by the book. Shortly after we filed, my father -in-law passed away and the relatives saw one of the court mailings and all hell broke loose. I was pretty much called every name in the book including a thief and an addicted gambler (I used to go to Las Vegas once a year to celebrate the New Year arriving -hadn't been there or anywhere else for that matter for over 5 years)

It really hurt my spouse who had been the parent's caregiver for the past 15 years while all of the other family members just sat on their collective asses and did nothing. The relatives alienated mother-in-law and for about a year my wife and her mother were estranged. Things are better now, cause guess what, all of the other siblings have faded into the woodwork and mother - law is alone. My spouse is very guarded about trying to rekindle the same relationship she had in the past and won't visit her mother without someone else present. Stangely enough, because I do some things professionally for her mother, my relationship with the mother has not been as strained.

Perhaps it is because I have always been upfont about all of the issues and I generally call a spade a spade. In several conversations with the siblings, I basically told them what I really thought about them and that regardless of the fact that they became aware our situation, it was actually none of their GD business and to go away and stop stirring up nonsense. My mother-in-law has since come to realize that their motives were not as pure as they made them out to be.

Once you realize that the only people you need to please is you, your spouse and your kids and that what others may think about you is irrelevant in the cosmic scheme of things, life will be much better.

chicago,

Your post really touched me. I'm sorry you and your wife had to go through that situation with her family. I am glad things are a little better between her and her mom. I can understand about being a caregiver, we do so on occasion with my husband's mother. His siblings also contribute as well so we are lucky there. I haven't spoken with my mom since this started yesterday and she hasn't tried to contact me. I need to give it a few days or I might say something I will regret.

[ksgirl38]

My mom has been truly supportive and I don't think it was done with a malicious intention. Some of my family members are very successful and some just pretend to be very successful. Those individuals carry a lot of debt to live their extravagant lifestyles. It could be any time they lose their jobs and won't be able to keep up. I know we couldn't after I lost my job and to be quiet honest, even when I was working. We weren't living extravagant life styles, we made very seriously poor financial mistakes and created more debt because of it.

It's a fresh start for all of us and we aren't ashamed of our decision. It's not going to stop us from filing bankruptcy. A few months from now we will be freed of unsecured debt and we have learned to live on a budget. I was able to sleep like a log last night and start my day enjoying a nice cup of coffee! Next Tuesday, we have our petition appointment with our lawyer and should be filing bankruptcy by the end of next week.

See, you're off to a good start already.

I know what you mean about family members living above their means. That so much describes my dad's side of the family.

[Toby629]

Sorry Tater that you have had to endure this ridiculousness. You find out people's true colors when a crisis situation arises. Especially which relatives are really there for you in tough times. It's a blessing in disguise I believe, you can weed out those that judge and condemn what you had to do with BK and you know who is really there for you.

We told no one about our BK at all. However, our foreclosure was in the paper, and all heck broke loose with relatives and others when they saw it. We had to endure ridicule and awful comments about the foreclosure. We have held our head high, those relatives that chose to talk negatively about what we went through, we are done with them. People you thought would be there for you with moral support turn on you. We are moving on and are stronger for what we have been through. Best wishes to you and your family.

[ksgirl38]

Tater,

Have you considered alternatives? If you have already filed, this could be simply an unfortunate coincidence. Once that info goes public, which it always does, there is no telling who will do what. It is possible your family is innocent in this, and someone else saw it published in the newspaper, or was snooping online through filings. There are many sad people in all our lives who take glee in others misery.

Just offering an alternate explanation, and I hope you keep your head high. BK is not at all to be ashamed of, that's just what banks and creditors try to convince people, to keep the unfortunates perpetually in debt-slavery.

They aren't published in the paper here anymore. I didn't think any place did that anymore.

[ksgirl38]

Sorry Tater that you have had to endure this ridiculousness. You find out people's true colors when a crisis situation arises. Especially which relatives are really there for you in tough times. It's a blessing in disguise I believe, you can weed out those that judge and condemn what you had to do with BK and you know who is really there for you.

We told no one about our BK at all. However, our foreclosure was in the paper, and all heck broke loose with relatives and others when they saw it. We had to endure ridicule and awful comments about the foreclosure. We have held our head high, those relatives that chose to talk negatively about what we went through, we are done with them. People you thought would be there for you with moral support turn on you. We are moving on and are stronger for what we have been through. Best wishes to you and your family.

I guess I don't get it. I don't understand why anyone would badmouth you over a foreclosure. I don't think I'd talk to them anymore either. ;)

[Toby629]

Oh they did, one said, why don't you just pay your bills? Like we were deadbeats or something, and this person knew DH had lost his job 5 yr. ago and he couldn't find another one for a couple of years and ending up underemployed making a third of his previous job. This relative told us we embarassed her because our foreclosure was in the paper and she has the same last name as us and her friends knew about it, she said if she were us she would be ashamed the rest of her life because of the foreclosure. My siblings, all three of them, have said negative things about our situation, no empathy at all or moral support. So yeah, pretty much done with them all. With people like that we don't need enemies.

[ksgirl38]

Oh they did, one said, why don't you just pay your bills? Like we were deadbeats or something, and this person knew DH had lost his job 5 yr. ago and he couldn't find another one for a couple of years and ending up underemployed making a third of his previous job. This relative told us we embarassed her because our foreclosure was in the paper and she has the same last name as us and her friends knew about it, she said if she were us she would be ashamed the rest of her life because of the foreclosure. My siblings, all three of them, have said negative things about our situation, no empathy at all or moral support. So yeah, pretty much done with them all. With people like that we don't need enemies.

Wow, that's really harsh. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been unemployed and underemployed and the one thing that I picked up about it is that people don't seem to understand unless they've been through it. I think that's unfortunate. You'd think people would have more open minds. Well, you are probably better off without all that negativity around you anyway. Hope things get better.

[Tater]

Sorry Tater that you have had to endure this ridiculousness. You find out people's true colors when a crisis situation arises. Especially which relatives are really there for you in tough times. It's a blessing in disguise I believe, you can weed out those that judge and condemn what you had to do with BK and you know who is really there for you.

We told no one about our BK at all. However, our foreclosure was in the paper, and all heck broke loose with relatives and others when they saw it. We had to endure ridicule and awful comments about the foreclosure. We have held our head high, those relatives that chose to talk negatively about what we went through, we are done with them. People you thought would be there for you with moral support turn on you. We are moving on and are stronger for what we have been through. Best wishes to you and your family.

toby,

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm sorry to hear that you went through it with your family as well. My mom called me this evening and seems to have changed her mind about being supportive. Now, it's maybe we shouldn't file and try to pay the bills off. Hmmm, if I could only lay the golden egg!!! I'm sure the other family members are helping with that though. We didn't talk long and I tried to remain cool. When I got off the phone, it was a different story. LOL!!

It's hurts because my mom and I are really close but it's still not going to change my mind. I'm sorry but half of these people who are ridiculing us have had financial help along the way, including my mom. Yet, they talk like they do it all by themselves. It is what it is! Hubby and I don't need the negativity in our lives.

We both know there are people out there with a lot worse situations than ours. We are blessed in so many other ways. I've kept my focus on finding a job and I have had three callbacks in the last two days for interviews. I'm focusing on the positive and know we have made the best decision for us. I guess we might be the butt of family gossip for awhile but so be it. Hubby and I are going to enjoy the holiday weekend with his side of the family.

I have to say Pandora's trick has worked..No one's volunteered to pay our bills LOL!

[Toby629]

toby,

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm sorry to hear that you went through it with your family as well. My mom called me this evening and seems to have changed her mind about being supportive. Now, it's maybe we shouldn't file and try to pay the bills off. Hmmm, if I could only lay the golden egg!!! I'm sure the other family members are helping with that though. We didn't talk long and I tried to remain cool. When I got off the phone, it was a different story. LOL!!

It's hurts because my mom and I are really close but it's still not going to change my mind. I'm sorry but half of these people who are ridiculing us have had financial help along the way, including my mom. Yet, they talk like they do it all by themselves. It is what it is! Hubby and I don't need the negativity in our lives.

We both know there are people out there with a lot worse situations than ours. We are blessed in so many other ways. I've kept my focus on finding a job and I have had three callbacks in the last two days for interviews. I'm focusing on the positive and know we have made the best decision for us. I guess we might be the butt of family gossip for awhile but so be it. Hubby and I are going to enjoy the holiday weekend with his side of the family.

I have to say Pandora's trick has worked..No one's volunteered to pay our bills LOL!

Well, Tater, you and your hubby have got the right attitude and that is what will get you both through this. You know, we don't want anything from relatives except some moral support, and that is not there. Unless you have been through a BK or are contemplating it no one can know how hard and such a toll it takes on you. You struggle for so long to find a way to pay all the bills, which means depleting all your resources, which is common because you don't think you will BK or lose your home until it's too late. By then you have lost basically everything. The good thing is BK does give you a new start and the way we look at it is we are grateful that we can start again. Even though we lost our home and have moved, life is good and we are strong and happy and look forward to our future. You have to do what's best for you not what someone thinks you should do, unless they are offering to bail you out (lol)!

[ksgirl38]

toby,

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm sorry to hear that you went through it with your family as well. My mom called me this evening and seems to have changed her mind about being supportive. Now, it's maybe we shouldn't file and try to pay the bills off. Hmmm, if I could only lay the golden egg!!! I'm sure the other family members are helping with that though. We didn't talk long and I tried to remain cool. When I got off the phone, it was a different story. LOL!!

It's hurts because my mom and I are really close but it's still not going to change my mind. I'm sorry but half of these people who are ridiculing us have had financial help along the way, including my mom. Yet, they talk like they do it all by themselves. It is what it is! Hubby and I don't need the negativity in our lives.

We both know there are people out there with a lot worse situations than ours. We are blessed in so many other ways. I've kept my focus on finding a job and I have had three callbacks in the last two days for interviews. I'm focusing on the positive and know we have made the best decision for us. I guess we might be the butt of family gossip for awhile but so be it. Hubby and I are going to enjoy the holiday weekend with his side of the family.

I have to say Pandora's trick has worked..No one's volunteered to pay our bills LOL!

You know, I think if she started in on the BK or foreclosure again I'd just find an excuse to get off the phone quickly. Just make up some excuse. Maybe she'll get the hint eventually. Obviously she's not being supportive. She might think she is, but doesn't sound that way to me. It's probably better to separate yourself from all that. I'll be fine.