Yep, that's what I said "totally cash Christmas." I can't believe how much I paniced about this in October and I feel this really becoming a way of life. I am feeling very greatful right now and wanted to share.
I honestly believe that I was a better, Mom, wife, friend, grandmother today. Hey, I even liked me. I wasn't ashamed of the secret in the closet. Money wasn't terribly tight as none has been getting poured down the shit-hole at the casino. Now that, ..... felt GREAT
My life is so much better, I can be honest, completely, with my DH. I feel more love for others, (not that I didn't love them but when you are emotionally sick and scared and worried all the time, well.... you aren't spending a bunch of time thinking about how much you love others, lest ways, I wasn't.
So the real bonus is that I FEEL, .... I AM ..... more loveable. Becoming more of the person God intended me to be, rather than the me who could stay up all night spending my last dime, even if last dime was for something for the kids (not proud of it, but I did it).
SOOOOO....... WHo'd a thunk it???? Going bk, gave me back something I lost nine years ago, I lost the me that would have never dreamed something like this could have happened.... I'm a therapist for Christ's sake, I "should" know better, "right"
, not that we are just people like everybody else and screw up too, ..
So, this way too long post is because feel a deep peace at this time, it is three days until my scheduled discharge, and I honest to God, for the first time in a very long time, feel like that part of me, the woman who stepped into a casino and stayed there for pretty much 9 years, ... that woman is back, That woman is me, and when I finally let my self feel all the remorse, regret, guilt, sadness, suicidal thoughts, shame, self-hate, depression, loss .... oh it could go on. When I finally let myself feel all that, It was healing, and it gives me permission to forgive to forgive myself and move close to my Maker. He didn't move, I did.
I don't feel bad about me today, and as much as I hate to say it, it wasn't because I went to a GA meeting, it is because I come here, and I read and I listen and sometimes I comment. But I am here, and somehow through assmosis, (you know if you sit your ass down and listen something might sink in!) that happened for me. And I am greatful beyond words, although I wrote plenty of them.
You guys,.. you guys,.... thanks for teaching me to get honest, to quit hiding, and mostly to forgive myself and be greatful for this chance of starting my life anew. The thought of the new year is invigorating to me. I feel so happy right now that I could just bust
Thanks for listening, heck thanks for not listening, but mostly thanks for giving me a place to say this because who else in the world but people like us can really understand.
I believe I have found that to the depth of despair and shame that I felt up until October, I am now finding the depth of joy, possibllity, being humble, and a new depth of feeling of love for being one of God's kids. I felt yukky about that before because I knew He was sad by what I was doing and wanted to help me, HE did, HE gave me you guys and and along with tht came a ch7 no asset bk
And really that is all I have to say before going to bed after this increcibly long, but wonderful Christmas day. God bless all of you ( or Buddah bless you or who or whatever you are into bless you) ... may we all remember that there is another side to this BK bull, and unless we are just so totally lacking in self-awareness, this process WILL change us. ANd for that I am greatful. I sure as hell needed to be changed.
Many thanks to each and every one of you on this forum,
I love you all
(even Lightening)
I honestly believe that I was a better, Mom, wife, friend, grandmother today. Hey, I even liked me. I wasn't ashamed of the secret in the closet. Money wasn't terribly tight as none has been getting poured down the shit-hole at the casino. Now that, ..... felt GREAT
My life is so much better, I can be honest, completely, with my DH. I feel more love for others, (not that I didn't love them but when you are emotionally sick and scared and worried all the time, well.... you aren't spending a bunch of time thinking about how much you love others, lest ways, I wasn't.
So the real bonus is that I FEEL, .... I AM ..... more loveable. Becoming more of the person God intended me to be, rather than the me who could stay up all night spending my last dime, even if last dime was for something for the kids (not proud of it, but I did it).
SOOOOO....... WHo'd a thunk it???? Going bk, gave me back something I lost nine years ago, I lost the me that would have never dreamed something like this could have happened.... I'm a therapist for Christ's sake, I "should" know better, "right"
, not that we are just people like everybody else and screw up too, ..So, this way too long post is because feel a deep peace at this time, it is three days until my scheduled discharge, and I honest to God, for the first time in a very long time, feel like that part of me, the woman who stepped into a casino and stayed there for pretty much 9 years, ... that woman is back, That woman is me, and when I finally let my self feel all the remorse, regret, guilt, sadness, suicidal thoughts, shame, self-hate, depression, loss .... oh it could go on. When I finally let myself feel all that, It was healing, and it gives me permission to forgive to forgive myself and move close to my Maker. He didn't move, I did.
I don't feel bad about me today, and as much as I hate to say it, it wasn't because I went to a GA meeting, it is because I come here, and I read and I listen and sometimes I comment. But I am here, and somehow through assmosis, (you know if you sit your ass down and listen something might sink in!) that happened for me. And I am greatful beyond words, although I wrote plenty of them.
You guys,.. you guys,.... thanks for teaching me to get honest, to quit hiding, and mostly to forgive myself and be greatful for this chance of starting my life anew. The thought of the new year is invigorating to me. I feel so happy right now that I could just bust
Thanks for listening, heck thanks for not listening, but mostly thanks for giving me a place to say this because who else in the world but people like us can really understand.
I believe I have found that to the depth of despair and shame that I felt up until October, I am now finding the depth of joy, possibllity, being humble, and a new depth of feeling of love for being one of God's kids. I felt yukky about that before because I knew He was sad by what I was doing and wanted to help me, HE did, HE gave me you guys and and along with tht came a ch7 no asset bk
And really that is all I have to say before going to bed after this increcibly long, but wonderful Christmas day. God bless all of you ( or Buddah bless you or who or whatever you are into bless you) ... may we all remember that there is another side to this BK bull, and unless we are just so totally lacking in self-awareness, this process WILL change us. ANd for that I am greatful. I sure as hell needed to be changed.
Many thanks to each and every one of you on this forum,
I love you all
(even Lightening)
Very glad that everything has worked out for you, financially and mentally. It could have been alot worse and am glad you found your way back. Best of luck in the New Year!!!!!!!!!
I'll be watching, you may never know when or how, but I'll be there. I am there now....
Comment