Update! We booked our honeymoon

[tinroofrusted]

NO DAUGHTERS - EXPLAINS A LOT.....................

Remember, she's never had a daughter before to deal with, only boys..... and boys mind...... daughters don't!

She will never have the opportunity to plan a wedding for her own daughter.. she has none..... and its a womans dream in the future......

Your soon to be should know exactly how to handle his mom..... but don't let him be "cruel" to her..... he is her baby boy......

I'm sure her intentions are GOOD..... and she means well..... but sometimes some MIL's have to be told to BACK OFF............several times.... before they get the message....

Remember, she's not loosing a son - she's gaining a daughter in this wedding.....

Talk to your soon-to-be, tell him to include mom in stuff - but make his/yours own decisions in the end....

Ask her for suggestions or ideas, then use your own judgement.... this will make her feel "included".... and part of the process.

A friend of mine keeps her MIL laughing all the time when she's around.... says if she didn't - she'd beat her half to death.......... the laughter breaks the tension!!!

MIL's worry more about "being accepted" then new brides do!!!

New brides control the new husband, and the new bride has to "make peace" with the MIL..... that's how it works most of the time.

Be firm with her - both of you - but also be courtous enough to listen to what she says, and then do whatever you guys decide.

Did she have a big wedding? Maybe not..... and too her this is very exciting.... Maybe she's daydreaming of things in the past......

Did you get along well before the word "wedding" came up???

Minny

Minny, the biggest issue, is that his family is VERY rich. My family is very NOT rich. Lower middle class. And that is where we seem to be butting heads. She has to impress her friends at the country club, and I have to worry about my friends and family holding the wrong fork!

[SinkingFast]

Minny, the biggest issue, is that his family is VERY rich. My family is very NOT rich. Lower middle class. And that is where we seem to be butting heads. She has to impress her friends at the country club, and I have to worry about my friends and family holding the wrong fork!

We have actually been to a wedding like that.

The Bride was an Elementary School teacher. Fabulous teacher at that. She had one of our daughters in Kindergarten and then got the other daughter because a 1st grade position became suddenly available right before school started the next year. Miss Smith was THE teacher everyone wanted to have. So second daughter was so glad to get her for 1st grade, since twin sis had had her in K.

Miss Smith came from a very wealthy family. They deal in Irish Crystal. Every other year, they take their biggest customers to Ireland to tour the factories, and the country. On the company. Miss Smith's Mom and Dad's company are also HUGE in the community in Kansas City. Their company sponsors KC's annual St. Pattie's day parade among other things that they do.

Hubby to be was a news camera man for one of THE local TV stations. You know there's always one that the people are more famous than others and his TV station was it.

Miss Smith sent out 2 seperate and distinct invitations. She didn't want any of her students left out of sharing her day with her. There were the fancy, "You're invited to the Wedding and Reception" with the RSVP card that was so pretty I didn't wanna write on it. Families not invited to the reception received a completely different wedding announcement. A whole Teacher/School House/Kids theme thing. It was really cute.

The wedding was at this HUGE, ornate Catholic Church in downtown KC. An Archbishop presided!!! Not just any old priest. An Archbishop!! Every thing had a Fairy Tale feel and look to it. The TV station sent a news film crew to shoot the wedding professionally. Not for the news station. For the couple. There were all these local celebs there. Everything was perfect. The Happy Couple took time after the wedding ceremony to gather all her students around them on the steps up to the alter and shot a ton of pics. She loved all her kids. She was just that kind of person.

Having wined an dined in a few nicer places our earlier days, Hubby and I knew what to expect for going to the reception clothing wise. I spent a minor fortune dressing the kids. Our 8 year son was asking why he had to wear a suit. The girls were fussing about their stiff, crinkly dresses. The community where we lived, many of the families were poorer. Some of the moms and dads came wearing jeans and flannel shirts. The kids weren't dressed up at all either.

Finally, the wedding party is about to leave the church and head to the Hotel for the reception in the main ballroom when the Archbishop announces, loudly, and publically, for everyone to join the happy couple at XYZ Hotel for the reception. The under dressed, univited "guests" hopped into their cars, and joined the parade of invited guests to the hotel.

The Reception was intended to be a snack bar of munchies. Fruits, nuts, cheeses, smoked meats, breads and crackers. That was to start. Time killer for the guests while the wedding party took pics and the happy couple had their carriage ride over to the Hotel. Open Bar as well. And a guy playing piano in the main room for entertainment. All the extra, no RSVP guests, the Hotel ran outa food on the snack buffet real quick.

The main part of the reception was a sit down dinner with a strings ensemble playing while people ate. Then the party kicked into high gear. A live band moved in, there was singing and dancing. The band played several numbers where people could pay $1 to dance with the Bride or Groom. Our kids loved it. Son danced with Miss Smith and the girls were so thrilled to dance with Miss Smith's handsome new hubby.

The amazing part was Miss Smith's parents never batted an eyelash, never paniced, never even looked cross about the deluge of uninvited guests. They just took them all in as if they had received invitations as well. Worked with the Hotel staff to get extra food set up ASAP and the reception went on as if nothing was wrong.

I was very impressed with their show of class and generosity. To see people wearing designer gowns and tuxedos doing "Meet and Greet" shaking hands and chatting with people wearing flannel shirts, worn out blue jeans, scuffed cowboy boots, and worn out work boots, in the main ballroom of one of the fanciest hotels in Kansas City.

It was one of the neatest experiences of my life!!

PS,.............. Loved your page at LoveKnot.com

Isn't that the neatest site to pick up great wedding tips??!!

[tinroofrusted]

I absolutely love "the knot." I have found so much useful information on there. It's great.


That was an awesome story about the teacher. What a classy lady.

Unforutnately, mine will probably not go that smoothly. While my fiance's parents are loaded to the gills, they are still expecting MY family to pay for everything. My parents have made it clear that they can help with a few hundred dollars, but that is absolutely it.

the MIL to be, keeps saying things like "well the groom's parents should only have to pay for this, and that," and "the groom's parents shouldn't be invovled with this," and so on and so forth. I don't get it. They have the money. This is 2006, not 1946..... what is the deal?! My fiance and I are paying for as much as we possibly can, so she'll just have to deal with it. Then comes in her wanting to impress the folks at the country club. If she wants to do that, she is going to have to chip in financially, otherwise, she'll have to shut her mouth, because I can't afford it, and I am not going into debt to pay for this thing if I don't have to!

[tresjolie]

And congrats!! Forgot to say that!
Everyone has given great insight and as long as the two of you show a united front and give MIL respect but boundaries everyone can enjoy each other's company.
Again congrats and a wonderful future together!! :-)

[13inOR]

Congratulations, and try not to stress to much. Do what you can absolutely afford, and no more. If MIL wants country club, she can foot the bill.

My daughter got married last summer and since we were still in the middle of our chapter 13, it was tight. It was very frustrating not to be able to do more for her since our money was going to the trustee, but we did the best we could, she chipped in a lot herself as she had a good job, and the WHOLE thing, including food, rental of a beautiful place, cake, even a beautiful wedding dress, favors,invitations,photographer, and everything else
was less than $4,000 for about 125 people. I dont think thats too shabby and everyone raved about how beautiful everything was. So it can be done on a shoestring if you have to! I am very picky about things not looking tacky, so believe me, I made sure everything looked great and not low-budget. I did her flowers myself so that saved a lot right there.

I might add I highly recommend ebay for wedding items.... her gown was designer, and brand new, and she got it for $299, a fraction of what it was selling for in the catalogs. It was almost a perfect fit too, needed almost no alterations. That helped us out a lot!

[robivi3]

Tin, just a funny note, nothing to do with advice. We eloped, the Pastor had to tell MIL and BIL "she's a grown woman butt out". My wife was providing alot of support MONETARILY and otherwise to a lazy-assed freeloading BIL and a co-dependant "join me in my divorced misery and baby sit your little sister" MIL.

With alot of help we did a Church wedding and reception on our massive $125.00 budget. The car broke down the night before the wedding so we called off the HM to Atlanta and flew to Disney, best thing that could have happened.

I am glad that MIL was uninvolved. BIL is problem laden loon and a Correction Officer, if he gets near our house, he loses his job. My wife was raised by her Aunt in Colombia where she went to private school and was only a short timer with the MIL. Two different ways of thinking. Wife got in a tiff during "The Alamo" with MIL who spouted the politically correct psycho-babble pro Mexican view to which she responded "They were trapped, what did you expect them to do!!!!". I'll never forget after she did one year of Homeschooling with son #1 she got into a heated debate with FIL over tolerating Colombian Rebels (all of whom she believes should die, "they terrorize people trying to live their lives and go about their business"), she used George Washington's handling of the Whiskey Rebellion as an example. Send in troops, kill the rebels, restore order, gain respect. I love this woman, she really thinks outside the stereotypical box.

Sorry ladies, there must be more Mr. Perfects than I realised. You can always tell one of us because we really do know that it's the rest of the world that is messed up!

[edwards2]

congratulations and best wishes tinroofrusted...your pictures are just gorgeous! I have been married 2x - the first time I had the interfering MIL but I should have known better than to marry her son. He was the poster child for the momma's boy...so spoiled it was pathetic. That unhappy union lasted 2 years. And by the way we had all the pomp and circumstance kind of wedding. I paid for part of it, his MOTHER paid for his share(should have been yet the zillionth clue he was a brat) and my parents paid for the reception. My second wedding(present and last husband ever) was less formal and we paid for everything ourselves. We got married during the Christmas season so my family would be making just one trip home for Christmas; we didnt have to buy flowers because the Church didnt want us moving the flowers around; we put together our own music ala cds, etc., and had a great time at the party room of a very elegant townhouse. I did have yet another interfering MIL however, but I was ready for this one. My husband was not very vocal but he didnt do anything to prevent me from being that way(knew better). I wont bore you with some of the things she did or said but rest assured the battle lines were drawn and she finally backed off. Gets old having to have your dupes up but if you dont stand up for yourself along with your spouse some of the MILs will run over you. I think your MIL is genuinely trying to help but she needs to understand it is not her wedding. As for the money thing you dont have to spend a lot of money to have a nice wedding. After all it isnt about the guests - it is about the two of you. I have been to some very lavish weddings too but honestly I had more fun at ones where the couple didnt spend half as much. You will be fine as long as you and your fiancee are on the "same side." I have always heard you can judge your intended by the way he treats his mother. She still deserves respect. I also agree if you can help it DONT criticize her to your fiancee. After all she is still his mother. You can smile and thank her and do what you want anyway. One of the girls I work with is having a similar problem - her MIL has no daughters and she is trying to take over. Lindsey tried the kill her with kindness and it has worked....Good luck...

[robivi3]

And tin, you gotta take things light. After 24 years of culture mixing we have some great last words... mine being "we went to the moon"... hers being "you and your moon"... in 24 years the nastiest thing from her mouth has been "bug off". When she says that I usually do bug off cause that means she's really mad.

And tin, might I suggest that no honeymoon is complete without the following films being viewed on the wedding night Tremors, Star Trek: First Contact and Wing Commander. My wife once told me never to be afraid to ask for anything in the bedroom... I sure do love my bigscreen...

[SinkingFast]

Minny, I have never in my life met someone who worries more about what other people think. She called us FIVE times while registering to see what we were up to. She kept logging on as we were registering, and would call and say "why did you register for that?" when we registered for camping gear. And she was like, "make sure to register for some expensive things, our friends will be coming...."

I have tried to calmly and rationally explain things to her, but it goes in one shallow ear, and out the other.

I think your idea of camping gear is really neat!! Hubby and I had some really great vacations before kids going camping. And camping was the only way we could afford vacations after kids. It's great to get away from the phone, the computer, reconnect with nature, and explore new places. Some of our kids' best childhood memories are from camping trips we've taken as a family.

Camping gear is a fabulous idea. That's an investment in family memories that will last a lifetime for you, your Hubby, and your family, when you 2 have kids.

[robivi3]

I think firearm related items would have been nice. Tell her that you enjoy practicing from tall buildings.

[SinkingFast]

I think firearm related items would have been nice. Tell her that you enjoy practicing from tall buildings.

ROFLMAO!!!

[tinroofrusted]

I think firearm related items would have been nice. Tell her that you enjoy practicing from tall buildings.

ROFLMAO. That's funny. We were talking yesterday over dinner how great it is to have a loaded gun in the house... just in case!

[Minnymouth]

Tin,
Have a discussion with soon-to-be about the expense of the wedding and set a dollar limit.... Both of you be in agreement about this!

Now if the expense is more than what your family needs to spend or can afford (especially since MIL THINKS the bride is supposed to pay for everything - no matter what!). Set your limit and stick to it.

Once you "set your limit" BOTH OF YOU have a discussion with MIL about expenses. Let her know you both have set a limit - and anything over and above this limit will be at her expense if she plans anything different....

Yes she wants to impress her circle of friends - no doubt!
Anything else, she would consider "cheaply done"....

Be realistic about what your parents can afford to really spend , and what you really want to spend!

When rich marries middle class they often get carried away and fail to realize what someone else may not be able to afford. Its not a matter of being "poor" its a matter of "realistically what can I afford to spend on this!"

My cousin married VERY, VERY RICH....... and came from a middle class country family...... The groom's family helped pay for a lot of the wedding bills... because of people being flown in from out of state. Most of the grooms side of the family came from Florida to Ohio for the wedding.

They had a beautiful wedding and reception....... simple, what they could afford and what the budgeted.

My counsin knew her future husband made good money and that they would live comfortable. He traveled a lot, for a big boat business that built yachts, etc. As far as she knew he was a salesman.

My cousin did not know she was marrying an extrememly wealthy business man until after the wedding and she went to visit her new in-laws! Her soon-to-be did not tell her (because he was afraid he would loose her). All of his previous relationships had been based on him being wealthy and also what he would inheirt in the future. Gold-diggers had been after him for a long time......

He met my cousin on a business trip that she took for her company...... at the same time he was on a trip for his.

After the wedding in Ohio they went on their honeymoon that the groom planned.

After the honeymoon they stopped in Florida to visit his folks.......... THEN is when she saw how the other side of the family lived!!! TALK ABOUT A SHOCKER!!!

His family owns and operates one of the largest shipping and boat building industries in the Florida area.

She not only found out on that visit how wealthy the parents were, but also that her new husband was a multi-millionare in his own right.

When she confronted her new spouse, he told her if she had known, he would have never known if she married him for the money or for the Love they shared...... but now he knew!!!

Needless to say..............she's lived a very, very good life the last 15 years.....

Her spouse is extremely generous to her and has been since day one. Their anniversary gift to her parents on their 25th wedding anniversary was "a new home" built to her parents specifications!

Once a month they fly to Ohio to see her folks...... and every 2 or 3 months they send the plane to pick up her folks to visit them in Florida since they are both retired now.

Her spouse built a extra house on the beach in the Florida Keys so that everyone in the family could come down when they wanted too - no charge....

Yes, she lives the good life - and throughly enjoys it!! She does charity work a great deal now, but still continued her own job after they married in the Florida area with the same company she was with in Ohio for about 5 years. Then she retired to doing charity work and raising her children.

She thought she married a "country bumpkin" - she did! But a wealthy one!!

Fifteen years and 4 kids later (2 adopted) they are still as much in love as they were the day of their wedding....
Their wedding vows were based on how much "I love you"!!
I'm sure it took a lot of adjusting on her part (never having to look at a price tag) or buying just because she wanted it!! And she still shops reasonbably, she's not extravagant and neither are their children. You would never know how wealthy they are.... even now....

SO GO FOR TIN - - but keep your head on straight - don't change your ideas or values - but be willing to adjust and compromise (can't spell). Stay the same person you are because that's who he loves and why he loves you!!!!

Minny

[Minnymouth]

And Tin,
Fifteen years ago there was not a pre-nuptial agreement and has never been. If they showed ever go their separate ways - she knows she can take 1/2 of everything he owns.
Their life and relationship is based on LOVE - NOT MONEY and always has been!!

His folks never put on "airs" at the wedding or when she visited them in their own home - they were just like their son...!

[Minnymouth]

SINKINGFAST,

Camping trips in our family causes a "baby boom" every year..................CAREFULL............

Some of them won't even go camping anymore..... they say its in the night air..........