Parents in Independent/Assisted Living?

[AMISLANDER]

Well, now mom's changed her mind...wants to sell house & move back to Ft. Lauderdale. Possibly going into an independent/assisted living arrangement. She's already got a deposit down but needs to go spend a week & see how she likes the villas, food, people etc...so, house over here needs to be sold; pays for her buy in to retirement place.

Anyone have any experience with this? I know my mom needs more medical care than I can provide. Sometimes she's got it together & sometimes not. But her friends are all over on the East coast & I know she misses being able to get ice cream at midnite...you just can't do that here....being her age (going on 81) is also a factor in her happiness at this point, it may be for the best. I love the East coast myself...could move over there if need be...just would like to get more time under my own belt back in the working world...been at my job since 11/04.

Thoughts?

[Minnymouth]

Evidently mom realizes that its time to move to an assisted living quarters, and not tie up your life taking care of her......

If you've never taken care of an elderly parent - think twice before you make the commitment.....
Your intentions might be honorable, heartfelt, and very willingly, but this is a commitment you need to seriously think about before you do it.......

You said your mom was 81..... If she basically still in good health? Does her mind wander? Is she on certain meds/diet? Is she still active in church, gardening etc?

Assisted living might be right up her alley...... she still has her independence yet a guardian angel watches over her...... the best of both worlds..... She still has her "freedom" and you still have your "life".

My mom never made it to assisted living - she had strokes that made her bedridden requiring total 24 hour care. Now this is a whole new "ballgame" in life's struggles!!!

Mom living with you in good health is entirely different than mom living with you and being "bedridden"...... When they require special care.... know what your getting yourself into before you start it...

Weigh the pros and cons of your decision.... because your decision will affect the rest of your life as you now know it.......

[edwards2]

Minny - amen to that. My brother, Mark, was the caregiver for both of my parents. He was the only one who could work his job at home and he was also unmarried. The things he did for my Mom and Dad I will forever be grateful to him for. He allowed them to spend their remaining days in the home that we literally grew up in. It is a very difficult undertaking to take care of elderly parents. My mother was fairly self sufficient until she broke her hip and ended up in rehab. My brother used to visit her 2x a day and bring movies and snacks and magazines with him. Again, we were blessed to have him there for them. I was there as much as I could be with work, kids, husband recovering from medical catastrophe also all demanding my attention. No parent who loves their child expects them to totally shut down their lives to take care of them but I dont know if you can live with the guilt if you dont. I know quite a few people who took care of one parent or parents and were walking zombies. I have siblings but we could not depend on them for squat even though they could have done a lot more - they chose not to and for that they will be held accountable. Regardless, make sure if your mom checks in there you check on her a lot. Even the lawyers told us to do that. Whatever way you go there is no easy answer but I am sure you will make the right one...good luck.

[AMISLANDER]

Your intentions might be honorable, heartfelt, and very willingly, but this is a commitment you need to seriously think about before you do it.......

[I]That's what I'm in the midst of; not easy here...[/I]

You said your mom was 81..... If she basically still in good health? Does her mind wander? Is she on certain meds/diet? Is she still active in church, gardening etc?

She's basically in good health but she doesn't remember where she puts things a lot, been going on for years, but it's worse now...she thinks her neighbor next door is coming in and taking her: towels, pots/pans, whatever...scratching her car, coming into the house...and I really don't think this is happening...the police have been called reports made, HRS came out to investigate, but they didn't baker act her because her home is spotless and there's food in the fridge...no meds, normal diet, still active, gardening, goes to Bali Hai once a week now...I take her out on Sundays for a movie & dinner...

Assisted living might be right up her alley...... she still has her independence yet a guardian angel watches over her...... the best of both worlds..... She still has her "freedom" and you still have your "life".

Yes, most likely...that guradian angel's been real busy watching over her...she can't drive at night & the sun hurts her eyes...so she doesn't really run around but close to the house during the day.

My mom never made it to assisted living - she had strokes that made her bedridden requiring total 24 hour care. Now this is a whole new "ballgame" in life's struggles!!!

Mom living with you in good health is entirely different than mom living with you and being "bedridden"...... When they require special care.... know what your getting yourself into before you start it...

[I][B]She wanted me to move in, w/my bf...but she likes everything a certain way and you know how long that would last...she keeps the house at 82 in the summer...you know...it's like I'm grown and like the way I live and she, hers...I don't think I could take care of her properly

Weigh the pros and cons of your decision.... because your decision will affect the rest of your life as you now know it.......
She has a trustee who is in charge when it gets right down to the nitty gritty and I think we're at that point. Her business decisions are starting to slip...and so I see this as probably for the best...she's been putting off going to see the place, but I'm going to talk w/trustee this week & see if we can't get her at least to go & check it out...

[AMISLANDER]

Minny - amen to that. My brother, Mark, was the caregiver for both of my parents. He was the only one who could work his job at home and he was also unmarried. The things he did for my Mom and Dad I will forever be grateful to him for. He allowed them to spend their remaining days in the home that we literally grew up in. It is a very difficult undertaking to take care of elderly parents. My mother was fairly self sufficient until she broke her hip and ended up in rehab. My brother used to visit her 2x a day and bring movies and snacks and magazines with him. Again, we were blessed to have him there for them. I was there as much as I could be with work, kids, husband recovering from medical catastrophe also all demanding my attention. No parent who loves their child expects them to totally shut down their lives to take care of them but I dont know if you can live with the guilt if you dont. I know quite a few people who took care of one parent or parents and were walking zombies. I have siblings but we could not depend on them for squat even though they could have done a lot more - they chose not to and for that they will be held accountable. Regardless, make sure if your mom checks in there you check on her a lot. Even the lawyers told us to do that. Whatever way you go there is no easy answer but I am sure you will make the right one...good luck.

She'll be 3.5 hours from me, across the state, but, she does have very good friends there, plus, good excuse for me to get out of town once a month as well, to go & see how things are....she would start w/independent living but she's going to check out what kind of program would follow, if, she needs more care...and then all the facts...like what happens if we don't feel she's getting the proper care...what if she wants out, do we need to kidnap her or is it easier to release her...that kind of thing...

[Minnymouth]

Am fixing to leave work, will be back on line around 430 and chat with you on this.....
I took care of my mom - me single and working - for 4 years (bedridden)......

That's why I say - KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING..................

We'll talk more.......... you need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all....................

Four years is a long time in your life............ to give up...... I know......

Later this evening,

Minny

[SinkingFast]

I have a GF who's a CNA at a very ritzy Phoo Phoo Assisted Living Facility. Rich folks Nursing Home. Old term there.

She said what she was taught to do in school and what she has time to do on the job are definitely not one and the same thing. Fortunately for GF, she was paired up with a good teacher for her training period. This lady showed GF all the short cuts to get the patients taken care of in the time allotted.

GF works the 3-11 shift, so she deals with dinner, meds, and bedding patients for the night. Plus there's baths to give and "toileting" as well. Granted, for the most part, these are people who need varying degrees of care round the clock. Not independent living like your Mom would start out.

GF said if she cared for people the way she was taught in school, she'd only have 4, maybe 5 patients max/shift to care for. But this Nursing Home has her caring for minimum of 8-10 patients, and many nights, she has 12-15. There have been nights when someone didn't show up to work and GF winds up covering 2 halls of patients.

I was truly shocked. This is THE nicest Assisted Care facility in the area. The place where rich folk or people with rich kids go. You'd think for the money the patients or their family is paying, they'd have a better Care Giver to patient ratio. But they don't. Once you look beyond the nicer rooms and the fancy furniture and the plush carpet, this Health Care provider company is like all the rest. Cheap.

In the evenings and at night, there's no Charge Nurse or Doctor on duty. The Charge Nurse and Doctor are "on call". If GF has a meds issue that isn't written orders or she needs to do something different, GF has to call the Charge Nurse. Generally, the Charge Nurse makes the decision what to do. If it's beyond her level of authority, the Charge Nurse calls the Doctor and then calls GF back with the orders. Mainly the delays have been for pain meds issues. But it kills GF to make a patient who's in pain wait an hour or more for the Nurse and/or Doctor to call back with the orders. If there were a person physically on duty at the facility, that type decision could be made within a matter of minutes.

If you go with your Mom, you might ask about these types of things for future reference. For down the road when she does need Assisted Care on a daily basis.

[AMISLANDER]

I read what you said very carefully!

If you go with your Mom, you might ask about these types of things for future reference. For down the road when she does need Assisted Care on a daily basis.

I understand exactly what you're saying. My Xhusband is an Anesthesiologist & has always said, don't go in to the hospital unless you need to......when he had his nose surgery, the nurses weren't even paying attention to his tubes...it was unbelieveable....and to think of what ramifications this brings into nursing homes...I am just beyond myself with torture....

I told my mom for the $ it costs for assisted/independent living, she could stay in her own home & have an R.N. live with her....I just don't get it......

Her trustee has already been to see the place, well known across Florida, John Knox Village...so I guess now would be the time to see if anyone's had experience with this place?

She's supposed to go over & try it out for a week....

[Minnymouth]

AMISLANDER,

So you have checked out the home??? Good vibes, or scary ones???

If mom is able to manage on her own right now, she could live in a senior citizens center area where they check on the tenants daily... She would around others her own age, close to shopping etc.... Still have her freedom, but under the watchfull eye of folks making sure she's all right.

The assisted/living quarters are expensive.... Would your mom consider staying in her own home and having a roommate that is a little younger than her but also retired...... This way they could keep an eye on each other!!! And be companions also..... until the time comes she can't do it anymore and other arrangements have to be made.

Nursing homes are very expensive and still climbing in price.... average cost right now is between $3-6,000 a month, depending on the care needed. AND BELIEVE ME THE CARE LEAVES MUCH TO BE DESIRED.

This is how I handled our family situation:

1. I lived with my mom for 14 years after Dad died and mom didn't need to be by herself anylonger. Easy for me since I'm single......

2. When mom had her first stroke - legal arrangements were made for me to handle everything if something else happened too her. 6 months later a major stroke....

3. When confronted with what to do???? Well, first decision was to move into the city out of the boon docks.....

4. I purchased a home and moved my mom to the city with me and her home was put up for sale to help pay for her care.

5. I worked 5 days a week on my job and had to hire a sitter to sit with my mom (since she was bedridden) while I was at work..... even this was not cheap..... If I left the home for any reason there had to be a sitter with her - otherwise I could get arrested for leaving her by herself. If the house caught fire - she couldn't get out..... (a woman here in our state recently went to prison for leaving her mom alone - went shopping - and the house caught fire and the old woman died. Court said it was no different than leaving a defenseless baby alone in a house.

6. For 4 years I worked, and paid a sitter to be there when I wasn't. I was on call for 24/7...... my life was not my own for 4 years till mom passed away.

It was a decision I made to keep expenses down as much as possible and too see that she got the best of care. I was very lucky that all my sitters were well trained and highly recommended.

Don't get me wrong - it was one of the hardest things in my life I have ever done.... very tiring, very frustrating, draining mentally, physically and emotionally......

I had no support from family members (all out of state) and no relief unless I paid a sitter (and that wasn't often except for working time)....

EVERYTHING OF ANY VALUE OR PAPERWORK was under lock and key for 4 years. Many closets and doors were locked at all times during this 4 years. There are alot of good sitters out there, some are just not so honest....... and often you will run into a bad sitter.......

Caring for an elder parent is a decision that should not be made lightly..... their are lots of things to deal with besides just seeing their taken care of....

It's a hard decision to make, cause you want the best for them - but you also don't want to give up your life or burden your own family with the problems that can arise.....

If your married with kids, its a major decision for the whole family to make..... its a commitment to "grandma"..... and everyone will have to do their part. Some spouses will say "NO".....

So how you are able to deal with it and make your decision depends a lot on what your present circumstances are....

Think it all out, check out all options, talk about it with some of the others here on the forum that are running into the same problem now.....

Mine is over, both parents are gone, both stayed at home..... It wasn't easy, believe me.....

I gave up a few years of my life (approx 5) as I know it, to do it, once when I was thirty and then again when I was 50 .

Was it worth it - yes and no - "that's a whole new topic"!!!!!

Would I do it again - probably - but would also think about it first.......

Minny

[tinroofrusted]

I am a licensed CNA, and if I may offer some unsolicited advice, please allow me to speak freely.

It sounds as if your Mom has early onset of Alzheimer's/Dementia, which in her case, it may benefit you and her to be in a lockdown unit, so that she can't wander. This may not be needed now, but may be eventually.

Secondly, if she isn't on medications now, please try to limit the amounts and types that she goes on. I have seen too many people living unnaturally and horribly long lives, simply because thier loved one is too selfish and is keeping them too doped up to do or remember anything, and won't let nature and life take its course.

I think it's great that the place offers Independent living, and allows people to transition into a higher care level if they need to.

Good luck!!! If anything, I wish you blessings and peace with your decision, because I know first hand that it isn't an easy one.

(PS... go easy on the staff! Often times they have 7-8 residents at any time under one person's care, and it isn't always easy!!)

[AMISLANDER]

She doesn't feel she has....

It sounds as if your Mom has early onset of Alzheimer's/Dementia, which in her case, it may benefit you and her to be in a lockdown unit, so that she can't wander. This may not be needed now, but may be eventually.

....dementia (I think because she doesn't like the sound of it...she's one of those old school ladies...I just think I've seen her getting worse; her male companion/friend passed away earlier this year and that was hard on her. My stepfather passed away the day after 9/11/01. Having someone to care for has always been "her thing". I've been trying to be with her every Sunday (movie, dinner, shopping)...but nothing I do seems to make her happy either....always telling me how I've never been there for her...oye!

Well, I've got to run down to main office and help out there...but I'll get back to the board tomorrow...

Thank everyone, so far for the thoughts...I have more to say but not the time!

Have a peaceful afternoon!