Depressed and Crying at My Desk

[Kam]

I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party. I am so tired of having to be the "strong" one for my family. For the past 19 years I feel like I have carried the financial burden squarely on my shoulders.

When my husband and I finally decided to start a family, he wasn't working except for officiating sports on a part-time basis. He brought two children from a first marriage into the mix, and I brought a child from a previous relationship. Soon after we got together I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. I found myself supporting five people on an income of 22,000 /yr (This was 1987). In 1990 I accepted a promotion that did not work out and I resigned from 12 years of state service rather than to be returned to the hell-hole job I had left. I took a 1000/mo cut in pay just to walk away with my integrity and sanity. I accepted another position at another university for 17,500 a year. In 1993 our youngest daughter was born, DH was working part time for the city where we live, but our bills continued to pile up. We filed Ch7 in 1994 and was relieved of nearly 21 K in debt (mostly medical). Shortly after our discharge my son required 20 K in knee surgery and it all began to snowball from there. Oldest daughter required 2 knee surgeries as well, I was diagnosed with T2 diabetes, oldest daughter has really bad polyovarian cysts and in the early stages of becoming T2 herself.

I really tried to put off the inevitable, even when my DH started working FT for the city. We found ourselves in the payday loan cycle, taking out title loans just so we could pay for the medicine and medical our insurance won't cover. When you are running -300-500 a month and you start running out of Peters to pay Paul's, there really is only one conclusion.

Now, because I have been so blind all these years to the importance of cleaning up your credit and keeping good credit (DH is absolutely no help in this area), we lost two of our vehicles that had title loans on them, we are about to lose our other vehicle to HSBC and only our daughter's car remains. We can't even get a 500.00 loan for a piece of crap. We received our discharge before 722 redemption could get us into a car and our prospects look bleak. My oldest daughter lays a guilt trip on me all the time, my DH scowls at me because we have no other vehicle, and my youngest daughter is so paranoid about our finances that she offers to go collect cans for money.

I put our family on a budget and have tried to stick to that budget. We have money budgeted for a car payment, but every place we have talked to wants at least 10-20% down, even for pieces of crap cars. One dealer insulted us by telling us the only vehicle we qualified for was a 1994 Dodge 10 passenger van with 177 K mileage and our payments would be 350.00!

I am trying to do the best thing for my family, but I feel this condemnation from all sides and it's hard to be strong. And when you are sitting at your desk at work crying, something is wrong.

[CindyLou]

I feel really bad for you and being the sole support of my family I certainly understand the pressure. Does your place of employment offer employee assistants for problems? It sounds like you could use someone to talk to as well as legal advice. I recently went to a large ford dealership in my area and because I had a good employment history they were able to help me through ford motor credit.

[monica1]

We need to be slapped...

sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. Sounds like you need to read the book I AM READING "women who love too much". Trust me, I am NOT condemning you at all. I am, or WAS, in the same boat. I am trying to slowing "back out" of my situation, worrying everyday as to what his "reaction" will be to this or that-- even though I am in another county! (I finally got up the nerve to leave, but am still scared) I too was sick and tired of trying to hold what seemed like the "whole world" together by working for no good. This is a 2nd marriage. My OWN kids have suffered enough in this crap. Its like I STILL am having a hard time facing REALITY. He has gotten fired at every single job after about 6 months of employment. It was like clockwork. He doesn't do very well w/authority (that is an understatement).I hated so bad to file bankruptcy, but I honestly had no choice. I surrendered a house today that he is still living in free and clear that had 15K in equity. I left EVERYTHING in the house as it was and told him he could HAVE IT ALL. What you don't pay for you lose, ON YOUR OWN. I am learning to make it on my own. PLEASE UNDERSTAND-THIS IS HARD and I am by NO MEANS suggesting that you leave your situation. I am however letting you know that I can identify w/what SEEMS like the end of the world for you. HANG IN THERE AND START PRAYING GIRL!! I am trying to look at my whole situation positively. This bankruptcy is a BEAUTIFUL example for my kids to look at. It is an example of things NOT TO DO, WHAT CRAP NOT TO GET INTO, and how to live RESPONSIBLY if you own a credit card. (even if it is for BILLS).

[Broke 2]

Im sorry you are having such a rough time....somtimes when there seems to be no answers ....you go back to the basic and put your trust and faith in a higher power.

[3131tj]

Monica - great, book isn't it? Sorry a bit OT. After you are done, look for "Letters From Women Who Love Too Much." It is filled with letter that women like you an dme wrote to Robin Norwood (is that the author? I read it AGES ago! but it is timeless). Kam did not necessarily say she was looking to leave her husband, but it is still a good book.

Kam, I really understand the needing to be allowed to be weak. When we are always the strong one, the collpase is that much more severe and the fall a lot harder. I have often wished someone would be there to catch me when I fall rather than always being the "catcher." My one friend who was to be my moral support yesterday at my 341 ended up not coming...so once again, I go it alone. Not feeling sorry for myself, though maybe that is only b/c I have gotten so jaded. Wait, this is NOT about me!!

As cindylynn said, you might speak to someone in Personnel/HR to see if they can guide you in anyway. Many HR people can be a real blessing and direct you to some help. As for medical bills I am going to post a separate topic regarding this issue so others can see it, too. My heart truly goes out to you. and hey, you filed in 1994, if you need to file again - do it. Just make sure you have a clear plan afterwards.

tj

[edwards2]

I feel bad for both you guys. I too have been right where you are - although not as severe a situation. I was the consummate cheerleader too and got so tired of it I bailed. I am in my second marriage and while I am still the "one" who typically makes decisions my husband this time is a good person and a caring person. I still get tired of being the decision maker and the worrier about money or whatever but he does try to participate in decisions. The BK was my idea but he totally agreed with me and it has made a huge difference for us financially. I have zero respect for those men who sit back and let their spouses do everything. I would rather be alone. You are both strong women so you will be okay. We are all here to help.

[Kam]

Well, we were just discharged from our second Ch7 11/1/05. As I stated, it wasn't long after our first BK that we started running into medical problems again. Two of my children required two knee surgeries each after injuries incurred while playing sports. My oldest daughter (she will be 18 in 1 month) was diagnosed with scoliosis, polyovarian cysts (has been on the pill since she was 14), her two knee surgeries messed up her hips since she was overcompensating for the injuries, and she was diagnosed as being in the early stages of pre-T2 diabetes. My youngest daughter hasn't presented any medical problems yet, so we are hopeful.

My DH is lousy when it comes to finances. His only main concerns are: making sure the Dish bill is paid so he has his TV, his monthly allowance for "his" needs and getting back and forth to work. Oldest daughter is constantly reminding me what a **** up I am and how much better off the family would be without me, since it's obviously all my fault we are in this financial mess. I try to put on a brave face and smile, while inside I feel I am dying.

I got us through the BK, I filed pro se, I lurked in all the bankruptcy forums trying to absorb as much as I could. I guess I am just tired from spending a weekend trying to find a car loan, having auto dealers sit down and tell me how to repair my credit, looking rather smug the entire time, and seeing the disappointment in my youngest child's eyes.

I am thankful for the fresh start and I am too old to go through this a third time. Everyone expects me to have the answers, to have a plan, and right now, everything is just blank.

[Genenco]

Kam, I don't know (I read all the responses) but I think a good therapist might help you see a path to a plan.

I'm not making fun by saying "Go see a shrink" as if you were some loser Because I SURE felt like one when I finally came to the point of either removing myself from this earth, of finding out if there wasn't something better out there.

While I haven't gotten all the answers, I do have some idea of what and where I need to go and most of all? I'm doing it for MYSELF.

You ARE a human being and no one deserves to be treated like dirt.

[monica1]

I wished I was there...

Kam, after reading your second reply. I wished I was close enough to give you a hug. For me, just wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze tight, thats a hug for YOU from someone who cares! I am upset that your oldest would even think about saying anything to you. So what if you DID mess up, haven't we all?? You gave birth to this "oldest" kid and she has NO RIGHT to treat you as such. I too suggest some kind of intense counseling. You need someone to talk to even if they don't say anything at all, but just sit and listen. Providing you have been a caring and loving parent to your children, which sounds like you have, otherwise you wouldn't care about their health, I think the "oldest" one needs to take into account what kind of example she is setting to her siblings by talking to you like that!! What comes around goes around. She needs to respect her parents, especially YOU who seems like the one who is keeping this family together and going!!

[MRDEBTSTER]

Kam,
Hope all works out for you. Kids can be so cruel at times. One day, hopefully, your daughter will look back and see that mom was doing her best.

Maybe you could find a hobby or outside interest that would help take your mind off all of this.

If nothing else works maybe DH and DD need a good swaift kick in the ass!

[nature]

Kam, just ask God for guidance i did and i still do everyday and he has never let me down.... hugs..

[nana25]

Kam -

I'm surprised no one has suggested your DH take on extra work, an extra part time job, and/or weekends. Many people work twelve or more hours daily. Also, can't your oldest Daughter do something to help out? You are being so used, and it won't change until you put yout foot down, and say ENOUGH! I can't believe your family has the nerve to blame you for anything. You need to go on strike.

[987654]

Kam...maybe it's time to look in the papers for a super cheap car. I filed BK in September but my credit was so bad before that that nobody would touch me, even at crazy high interest rates. I'd sold my Jeep in the summer of 2004 to protect my father, who was the co-signer, because I'd been late on too many payments and it was showing up on HIS credit.

I bought an ugly, and I mean UGLY rust-bucket 1989 Ford Taurus for $180...even if you add in the $80 registration it was still cheaper than ONE car payment. It ran good, and the couple I'd bought it from had literally every receipt since new LOL. I figured great, if it lasts a few months then I'll buy another $200 beater and go from there. That car would not die...I drove it over a year and the only thing I put into it were oil changes, two tires, and one front spring (which my BF did and only cost me $80 for the part). All in all, less than $500 total...my old car payments were $350/month, so well worth being seen in an ugly car!

I'd still be driving it today but my BF's parents bought a new car and gave me the old one...not much better (only a '92), but the Taurus was in need of new shocks, had a tire with a slow leak, etc. The nicest thing is when I sold it, I got $50 more than I paid for it LOL. I still see it around town, so it's still going strong! I probably could have kept driving it as is for another year, and wouldn't have felt bad if it died...I'd just buy another cheapo and drive *it* until *it* died

The moral of the story is you don't need a financed car...just get yourself into a cheap car, be careful and ask a lot of questions, take it for a spin, etc. If you're embarrased simply tell prospective sellers it's for your teenager. You can buy a 1994 minivan outright for less than 3 payments from a swindler, trust me!

As for your ungrateful offspring who like to blame you, tell them to get jobs and buy thier own darn car. You sound like you've done a lot for them, and they are old enough to contribute. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but they should NOT be guilting you when you've done your best. You can only do your best!

[bkfiler]

kam, try craigslist.org, select your city to the right and look under cars & trucks section.

[copper2]

Going On Strike

Kam, maybe the good Lord is nudging you: See what there is to see and begin to know it. Little changes inside can manifest in enormous progress over time. I agree with the book "Women Who Love Too Much," and I'd send you mine if I had your address! Even better, I'd invite you over and make you tea and let your family exist without you for a few days. You are the center of that universe, don't be fooled.