Parents found out about BK

[ecsclb1724]

Happy Valentines Day to us! I know this kind of sounds pathetic since I'm a grown adult and self sufficient and it shouldn't matter what my parents think but it does.

I guess today was the day our BK posted in the paper. Its seriously in size 8 font in the middle of the business section, you have to use a magnifying glass to see it.

My husband was helping with youth church and I was at home with our boys napping while they napped (I'm 7 months pregnant and have high blood pressure and epilepsy which acts up while I'm pregnant) and my husband comes home and tells me that my mom called him asking if he knew anything about a bankruptcy. DH was confused and said "what do you mean?" and she said "do you know anything about you guys filing BK"?. Wonderful. Meanwhile, I look at my cell phone which I had on silent while I was sleeping and I have 3 missed called in about 3 hours from them. Since then, I've had another two calls.

I honestly can't deal with this right now. My parents are extremely judgmental when it comes to financial stuff, which is why we didn't tell them. DH was working two jobs for awhile (6 months or so at the beginning of the year) because we couldn't make ends meet and even with him working 2 jobs it still wasn't helping so he stopped working two jobs. I can't deal with their judging everything we'll be doing from now on, its going to be terrible. Our ILs (who we did tell about our BK) are going to take out a loan for us so we can buy a used minivan (about 7.5K or so) and then we'll make the payments. We need a van plain and simple, our car won't hold 3 car seats (and this pregnancy was a complete surprise due to my epilepsy medicine interacting with birth control). We can more than afford things now without having to make payments on credit cards but they're going to make snide comments and be constantly thinking "well that money should have gone to debt".

We spent $300 to put new flooring in our boys bedroom a few weeks ago because we're having to have them share a room now that the new baby is coming the end of next month. They're going to judge that.

My mom watches my boys for me while I work (we pay her however, comparable to what a home daycare provider would receive) so I'm going to HAVE to deal with it quite a bit. I'm sure they're at their home thinking of how they failed as parents.

Ugh I feel my blood pressure rising

[AngelinaCatHub]

OK, 'ec' I'm not known to be pussy-footed when it comes to matter of fact, otherwise, I have a sense of humor.

First of all, your hubby is not a slacker, working part time jobs to help. Secondly, you cannot affor another child, though since this was not your fault, choice or otherwise, no fault on your own.

May I quote:

I honestly can't deal with this right now. My parents are extremely judgmental when it comes to financial stuff, which is why we didn't tell them. DH was working two jobs for awhile (6 months or so at the beginning of the year) because we couldn't make ends meet and even with him working 2 jobs it still wasn't helping so he stopped working two jobs. I can't deal with their judging everything we'll be doing from now on, its going to be terrible. Our ILs (who we did tell about our BK) are going to take out a loan for us so we can buy a used minivan (about 7.5K or so) and then we'll make the payments. We need a van plain and simple, our car won't hold 3 car seats (and this pregnancy was a complete surprise due to my epilepsy medicine interacting with birth control). We can more than afford things now without having to make payments on credit cards but they're going to make snide comments and be constantly thinking "well that money should have gone to debt".

Your situation is not of your making. Your situation is one in millions now and to come. This economy is not of our making.

You have made a wise decision as none of us wished to bk. It is simply business and a need for a "new start".

If your parents or parent-in-laws cannot understand this, it really is not of their business. Yes, I know, they may be of another generation. I am too. I had value far above what your assets would be and I bk 7 due to things I could not control. Law suits, health, etc. Many reason for many people. Tell your folks that even millionaires file chapter 7. They must accept you and your business as you ARE and as your business IS.

I can say this, I am happier now with my new start, than I was with all the money I needed not keep track of, to spend. Values mean things to different people. Money does not buy happiness. It is a choice to make daily. GBWY. 'Hub

[texas1882]

I know this is hard because my parents are judgemental too. You are a grown woman with a famiy and it is none of their business. If they call ,answer and when they ask about the bankruptcy I would tell them yes you filed and it is none of their business. If they get mad then so be it. Don't let them get into your personal life like that. You and your husband are grown and have a family of your own. You decided to file bankruptcy and that is what you decided is best for you. Tell them you just do not want to hear another word about it--it is your business. Hope this helps
(If this sounds rude it might be but with judgemental people you have to set boundaries and let them know that they do not make decisions in your life)

[Dst1]

I think you need some reverse psychology. The problem here is that they already have you on the defensive. Why is that? If your parents bring it up, turn the tables. Ask them, "you have a problem with me obeying the law?" That ought to cut them short.

If they think they have failed as parents because you did something that was within your legal power to do, that's their problem. Don't make it your problem.

I realize that you see these people everyday and so it's not so simple. But sometimes even a firm "We did what we felt was in the best interests of our family." is enough. If they pursue the matter, simply say that it's something you wish to talk about in detail only with your husband because this crisis is turning out to be an excellent bonding opportunity for you and he and you don't want to spoil that.

[nerves]

My issue wasn't my parents, but my grandmother. She seen it in her local newspaper and got all worked up about it. I told her yes we filed bk, it is over and done with and we have closed that chapter of our lives. Period. End of story. I just cut it off before it could start.

I was worked up about what others that I work with, etc would say or if I would lose my job. Quite frankly, it appears they could really care less about my financial issues. I am a good person and a good employee and that is what really matters.

Congratulations on your surprise (not mistake). I hope everything goes well for you and your new baby.

[MSbklawyer]

My issue wasn't my parents, but my grandmother. She seen it in her local newspaper and got all worked up about it.

Reminds me of when I was 19 years old . . . I got a DUI and my name came out in the paper a few days later in the "jail docket" as the paper called it. I knew my grandmother would read that and absolutely stroke.

She didn't get her paper that day. Somebody stole it right out of her front yard.

[Flamingo]

Your problem with your parents is what many adults with kids experience. Your parents have never been able to cut the cord and since you have your mother watching your kids, the cord has become a further extension so they are involved further. One of the reasons parents cannot cut the cord to their kids is because their kids won't let them - the kids keep asking for help, money, etc. Do you see my point and why your parents need to have control of what happens in your lives? It bothers you because you are afraid to say anything since the loans/help may stop and it may interfere with your mother watching your kids which is a huge help and convenience to you in many ways (I know, my mother watched two of mine for many years when they were younger). You and your hubby need to figure out how to get their control out of your lives but it wil never stop unless you start to severe the cord on your end first.

[helpmeout]

The wonderful thing about being an adult is that you get to set the boundaries of any relationship that you have, even the one you have with your parents. If your parents start in, put a stop to it. Tell them that it isn't up for discussion and it is none of their business. And if they persist, you will take a break from having any communication with them until they can respect your boundaries. And then stick to it.

[momofthree]

Reminds me of when I was 19 years old . . . I got a DUI and my name came out in the paper a few days later in the "jail docket" as the paper called it. I knew my grandmother would read that and absolutely stroke.

She didn't get her paper that day. Somebody stole it right out of her front yard.

Bahahahahahahaha!!!!

[bktmom28]

We too were not going to tell anyone in our family for fear of what they would think. They have all seen us struggling these past 2 years trying to keep up with a rising mortgage payment and plummeting home value. All of them saying, "We wish we could help!", but knowing that they are all on fixed incomes. When we finally made the decision to let our house go and file bk, we felt this burden knowing that it would be so hard not to tell someone.

We told a few people in our family, fearing their judgement, but only receiving love and understanding, because they know how much we love each other and that we are really doing this for our children. The strain and stress of the burden we were carrying was having such an effect on all of us and it wasn't fair to our 3 kids. The choice we made was not an easy one by any means, and I can't help but think how much better things would have been if we would have made it a long time ago. We might not of had to let our home go. Hindsight is 20/20 and now we are on a road to recovery and I praise the Lord that He has brought us out of the depths of our despair. Don't fear the judgement of others. We all have our trials and tribulations, but it is what you do when you come out the other side that truly matters!

[music12]

i would suggest to think back and look for an example of something your parents understood only after they experienced it. bk is like that: the only people who understand it are those who have been through it (or thought about it seriously). then tell your parents about this example. they still will not understand, but perhaps at least they would doubt just a little bit that they know what they are talking about.

you could maybe also tell them that you did it for your children - every money that went to debt is money not spent on them. maybe your parents will understand that part at least.

but also, be realistic: it is very unlikely that they would actually understand. i know that i would have looked down on people who filed unless it happened to me. i would have looked down on people who lost their jobs unless it happened to me. and i generally think of myself as an open-minded person. but stuff has to really happen to you for you to be truly open minded, and you don't know that until it happens!

even if it is hard to get them to understand, try to remind yourself that what they think of you is actually, at the end of the day, completely unimportant. you are the one who has to be comfortable with your decision, not your parents.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Well said bktmom28. 'Hub

[Logan]

I work in a career with people who tend to have good credit and are generally cheap with their money and they have alot of it. I don't go around telling people I declared BK but in casual discussions about finances I've learned that these people have no clue what BK really is all about. In fact, the comments made are so ignorant it enforces my feelings that I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS ABOUT MY BK!

Just tell your parents it was a business decision and what's best for your family. No need for anymore discussion!

Logan

[ecsclb1724]

well my mom called again last night and I was very point blank about everything, when I was out of work and didn't have health insurance 4 years ago I had ot put a lot of medical expenses on credit cards (my medicine runs around $800 a month) and quite a bit of living expenses. DH and I were right out of college and hadn't found "good" jobs yet. Our interest rates on our cards jumped, minimum payments jumped, DHs apprenticeship wages got cut etc etc. She asked if we were going to lose our house, I said no, everything is fine, we're not stressed for the first time in a long time, and I changed the subject.

I drop the boys off this morning before work and my father has printed off a bunch of stuff from the internet about options instead of bankruptcy, bankruptcy facts, etc. and just left them on the table, passive aggressive, for me to find. I completely ignored it and acted like I didn't see it. I can't believe they thought we just went into this blindly. We tried to work with the creditors, even signed up for a DMP, and it left us with about $30 a month left over. We did it for 5 months and just couldn't anymore. We needed clothes for the kids, we needed a new battery for the car, we had an unexpected Dr. bill come up.

We don't borrow money (and never have except in college for school) from my parents because we don't want them constantly in our financial life.

If they try to bring it up I'm going to just say what's been suggested "we did what we had to do in our financial situation, we didn't tell anyone because its no one else's business" and leave it at that.

[Logan]

well my mom called again last night and I was very point blank about everything, when I was out of work and didn't have health insurance 4 years ago I had ot put a lot of medical expenses on credit cards (my medicine runs around $800 a month) and quite a bit of living expenses. DH and I were right out of college and hadn't found "good" jobs yet. Our interest rates on our cards jumped, minimum payments jumped, DHs apprenticeship wages got cut etc etc. She asked if we were going to lose our house, I said no, everything is fine, we're not stressed for the first time in a long time, and I changed the subject.

I drop the boys off this morning before work and my father has printed off a bunch of stuff from the internet about options instead of bankruptcy, bankruptcy facts, etc. and just left them on the table, passive aggressive, for me to find. I completely ignored it and acted like I didn't see it. I can't believe they thought we just went into this blindly. We tried to work with the creditors, even signed up for a DMP, and it left us with about $30 a month left over. We did it for 5 months and just couldn't anymore. We needed clothes for the kids, we needed a new battery for the car, we had an unexpected Dr. bill come up.

We don't borrow money (and never have except in college for school) from my parents because we don't want them constantly in our financial life.

If they try to bring it up I'm going to just say what's been suggested "we did what we had to do in our financial situation, we didn't tell anyone because its no one else's business" and leave it at that.

One angle to take with your father if you desire---GM, United Airlines, Circuit City, Lehman Bros., Donald Trump.....Just start naming these companies that have gone BK. What's the difference between you going BK and them going BK?

Not much.

Also, Tell him you have some friends (us) that have been through Chapter 7 and it is a much better choice than the options he printed out. Also, tell him it's too late anyways since you already filed.

I would address this once with him and then tell him you never want to talk about it again!!!

Logan