When should I tell the truth?

[ready2puke]

wow good thread Cupcake...thats the reason I dont date..Maybe I should rethink it with all this good advice.
Genenco...twice in one day aye? Me too...at least we can still laugh..but two good ones in one day..its a good day

[Overmylimit]

For Gawds sake, you are not admitting to an affair with a donkey.

Hub.....LOL


Hub is right though, he will understand.....I would and I'm a guy.

[Phillymanhere]

Cupcake,

I love this question even as I think you're getting upset a little early in the process. I've been divorced now for over 2 years and I'm about ready to date again and so I've been thinking about when I will tell a partner about bk.

For the record, I haven't filed yet. I expect to file in the next 6 months. I planned on filing months ago, and then my car goes through a mid-life crisis and I've spent money I was saving for an attorney.

First of all, I don't think you have to tell him until very very deep into the relationship. Or put it like this: in some ways, it's none of his business.

I say that even as I plan to tell anyone I get serious with. But to answer your question, I think I will tell someone when it's getting really serious, so serious that we're discussing financial issues in detail. I mean, the point where you're revealing how much everyone has in the bank, how much stocks, how much in the 401K's, how much pension expected, etc. At that point, I think it's appropriate to tell.

Between now and then, you can be honest and say that you've had some financial struggles if the issue arises. But remember, it's generally goold practice to NOT dump ultra serious stuff into a person's lap before it's appropriate. He probably does not want to know this until later.

There is another point: when it comes time to "tell," you want to do so with no hint of shame. Self-loathing and shame are not attractive at all. If I tell a person (about my pending bk) too soon and with guilt, I'm basically asking them to say in return, "It's OK Phillyman. Poor poor boy. I love you anyway." This, needless to say, is not a confident posture to approach a relationship with. It's basically asking someone to forgive me or overlook a flaw that is frankly none of their business until much later into the relationship.

In the meantime, you can be honest about your financial limits as the need to say so arises. I definitely plan on staying within my budget when I date and I will subtly (and confidently) stay within spending limits. In my first dates, I see lots of walks around the city. I can also see picnics where we bring our food and drink.

[AngelinaCatHub]

I know. *hangs head in shame* And, I am beating myself up way too much over this. I just really, really like him and the thought of him possibly thinking less of me (or, even worse, not wanting to be with me anymore) after finding out makes me incredibly sad.

Cupcake, your previous message says it all. If when you tell him, and he is upset over this little thing, and in a marraige this is a little thing, what will happen when either of you make a big mistake? Any relationship or marraige must be re-negotiated daily to make it work. Remember we all pick how are day will be every day we wake up. I choose to be happy, ergo, I am happy. I could just as well choose to become depressed, and then I would become depressed and often ill. I choose not.

If this person is not worthy of you, thenhis loss, wouldn't it? 'Hub

[Flowers]

cupcake,
I am in the same boat as you. Divorced, impending serious relationship, and you are wondering when to tell.
First of all, you will feel much better after filing. I had a waiting period to file as well.
As this progresses you will see there is no shame in this, but I am there with you where I do not tell most folks in my life either. (They would not understand the process or why should I have to open my entire finances open to people.) If I do enter in a meaningful relationship where one day finances would be mingled I am not sure I would even mention or. Or maybe I would, I don't know.

Please just go thru the entire BK process first before you worry about these other things. The BK is enough don't you think.

I was also concerned about telling a future mate about how I stayed in a marriage with a mean jerk who did not treat me nice. No need for that either. It has nothing to do with me. So now is the time to get finances in order. First by filing BK. And I have been to therapy. And now is the time for me. Not time to worry about what others will think.

My best, Flowers.

[cupcake]

I absolutely love all of you. The help and support here is overwhelming and I truly cannot thank each and every one of you enough. I feel a lot better and you have actually given me some peace of mind about this. I will deal with this when the time is right and try to take each day as it comes.

Thank you so much.

[jeb]

I know. *hangs head in shame* And, I am beating myself up way too much over this. I just really, really like him and the thought of him possibly thinking less of me (or, even worse, not wanting to be with me anymore) after finding out makes me incredibly sad.

CC, I think this if far more your problem with the BK than it would ever be anyone elses - and this is certainly not uncommon. But in this day and age, BK is not looked at as it once was.

REf this guy and how he will react - unless he is after your money it won't mean anything to him.

The above suggestion about a glass of wine is great - then just tell him that it has been bothering YOU about telling him. A nice hug afterwords will be great. - jb

[willowhare]

You may be overthinking this a little

As a single lady, I can understand. Remember that freecreditreport.com commercial where the guy sang about having second thoughts about his dream girl because of her bad credit record? The first time I saw that I bawled uncontrollably I thought for sure that would be my fate! Dumped by a guy once he found out about the awful BK in my past. My roommates calmed me down, and assured me that any guy who would even think like that wasn't worthy of me.

Cupcake, I'm telling you the same. You've set a good signpost for when the relationship will be serious enough to have this discussion with your fellow. When the time comes, tell him that you are happy with the way things are going, and you want to have full financial as well as emotional disclosure. He probably already knows you were married to an idiot. Explain that you left the family finances in the hands of your ex, he loused them up, and you are now dealing with that.

My self esteem is still recovering from the plummet it took when I realized that BK was my best option. It sounds like you went through the same. Remember that being financially bankrupt is not the worst thing that you could ever do. Murder? Rape? Smuggling child laborers across the border? Being the designer of a genocide? All those things are worse.

PS: I'm probably going to file around Feb. 14. My Valentine to the CC companies!

[njguy1972]

you may want to allude to him that finances are very tight for you and are working on various options to clear up your situation.

If he asks for details, you can mention you hired a lawyer to help you assess a legal way to negotiate with your creditors.

He will get the idea.

I am single and just mentioning to some ladies that my finances were tight and I could not afford expensive dates, scared them away.

[floridian]

i just met a real nice lady.... i told her that im CEO of shell oil company and that im on secret assignment with the CIA...
do you think thats wrong?

[ready2puke]

On so many levels..lol

Very funny...
So how single are you anyway???? Oops I forgot for a moment this isnt match.com..

[editordwc]

This is a great thread, everyone.

2008 marked a tough year for me. My marriage of almost 15 years came to a halt, dealing with only seeing the kids on weekends, among other trying times.

However, I met a wonderful woman and now things are starting to really become serious. Late this summer, after all my cards were maxed out and things were become tough, I decided that bk would be the only route.

I sat down on my front porch step with my gf and we talked about it and it was very soothing for me. It was at that point she opened up about some of her financial struggles from last year, and debts and collectors that have creating a hell for her. As I tried to help her work through things, we started listening to Dave Ramsey lessons and worked on budgets and other things together. As we worked together, our love deepened...and one morning, rather than face a day in a pissy mood and whinning that we were broke. I made a sign for her desk that said..."We may be poor now, but think of our love as a downpayment for a rich future together." I look at that sign often.

After my 341 earlier this month, my GF said she was tired of the constant collections calls and decided that she too would be filing. I was going to help her pro se, but we both felt more comfortable to have an atty help her, so she retained the atty I chose and we are now working toward that as we work thru this tough time.

CC, let your relationship grow and you'll know when its right. My kids have yet to meet my GF and we are going to be patient with things and let things happen when they are intended too...we have our plan laid out, we are using time to help us reach our goals....

good luck...

dwc

[floridian]

funny that you should mention Match.com...ive been single for ten years and had a lot of success on there...i finally realized that everyone that might have worked out, lived too far from my two horse town.. so, im moving this week....daytona here i come...
im not looking for a woman with money, so why should i accept one that worships the almighty dollar.. to me, cruising the blue ridge parkway on my motorcycle is priceless...i can have a lot of fun for the price of lunch and a tank of gas....
i just hope that i dont get hosed with a chap13 and cramp my travel funds... i dont think im asking for a lot...

[justbroke]

My momma always said, I could marry a rich woman just as easy as I can marry a poor woman.

I prefer the poor woman. Not a dependency thing, but, in actuality, I prefer a person who knows what it is to struggle. I prefer a person who knows how to set a goal and maybe even not achieve it. I prefer a woman who knows the value of a dollar.

That's not to say that a person who never struggled or even have to ask for anything in their lives, is a bad thing.

It's all my father's fault. I should have been born rich.

[floridian]

i just met a real nice lady.... i told her that im CEO of shell oil company and that im on secret assignment with the CIA...
do you think thats wrong?

ok, i couldnt sleep last night thinking i hadnt been completely honest with this lady... so, i called her first thing this morning and confessed...

im only "vice president" not the CEO! i feel a lot better now, thanks for getting me back on course!
p.s., she is breaking up with me anyway!