As I sit here, waiting..........

[Panacea]

wallowing in self pity, I think back through my past. Going over every little thing I did that got me to where I am today, bankruptcy. The hope I had as a teenager for the future. The dreams of adulthood, being on my own, and the luxuries to come my way in the future. Then in my 20's, my dreams were being realized. I was on my own. Got a good job, living the life that most want to. Somewhere between then and now, I got lost. I was busy trying to keep up with the "Joneses" but little did I know, the "Joneses" might've had the money to spend, I didn't. But I looked good trying! Many years of financial and personal mistakes caught up with me. I can no longer keep up, but my past mistakes sure caught up with me. I wonder how the "Joneses" are doing?

Well today, I am no longer worried about what the "Joneses" have. I am worried about what I need to do to make it through this fall from the "faux" life I had. I have never hit a bottom like this before, and can't help but wish to go back for a "do-over", but its a bit too late for that. So many things I wish I hadn't done, so many bad decisions I wish I could take back, or atleast thought them through logically. I even find myself wishing to go back to a few months ago, being in debt, worried about how I'm going to pay my bills. Atleast that was a known fear. Heading for bankruptcy is unknown territory, and it scares me to have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I was pretty good at being "crazy" trying to pay my bills. It was the norm. Now, I am lost. Waiting for the filing, waiting for the 341, waiting for decision about the discharge, waiting for the foreclosure. Just waiting for this sick feeling to pass..............

I mentally beat myself up daily over these things. I have faith that things will be better after all this is over, but this BK is just "all over me" and its tough to wrap my head around at times.

I want a fresh start. This is my "do-over". I have hope that I will be able to look back on this as the best decision I've ever made.........but I'm just waiting.

[tobee43]

wallowing in self pity, I think back through my past. Going over every little thing I did that got me to where I am today, bankruptcy. The hope I had as a teenager for the future. The dreams of adulthood, being on my own, and the luxuries to come my way in the future. Then in my 20's, my dreams were being realized. I was on my own. Got a good job, living the life that most want to. Somewhere between then and now, I got lost. I was busy trying to keep up with the "Joneses" but little did I know, the "Joneses" might've had the money to spend, I didn't. But I looked good trying! Many years of financial and personal mistakes caught up with me. I can no longer keep up, but my past mistakes sure caught up with me. I wonder how the "Joneses" are doing?

Well today, I am no longer worried about what the "Joneses" have. I am worried about what I need to do to make it through this fall from the "faux" life I had. I have never hit a bottom like this before, and can't help but wish to go back for a "do-over", but its a bit too late for that. So many things I wish I hadn't done, so many bad decisions I wish I could take back, or atleast thought them through logically. I even find myself wishing to go back to a few months ago, being in debt, worried about how I'm going to pay my bills. Atleast that was a known fear. Heading for bankruptcy is unknown territory, and it scares me to have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I was pretty good at being "crazy" trying to pay my bills. It was the norm. Now, I am lost. Waiting for the filing, waiting for the 341, waiting for decision about the discharge, waiting for the foreclosure. Just waiting for this sick feeling to pass..............

I mentally beat myself up daily over these things. I have faith that things will be better after all this is over, but this BK is just "all over me" and its tough to wrap my head around at times.

I want a fresh start. This is my "do-over". I have hope that I will be able to look back on this as the best decision I've ever made.........but I'm just waiting.

panacea....as one PP put it..hindsight is NOT 20/20 it's blind....you can continue to kick yourself daily....or just learn from any mistakes you feel you made and move on forward.

yes, of course, you have not experienced the wonderful feeling of DISCHARGED!!! it's coming!! i promise....it will be over all the stress and fear of the unknown....it's a passing moment in retrospect...really.

as far as the jones...well they filed bk about 6 months before you did....so, i'm glad you no longer worry about them.

it is your "do over" your "fresh" start...believe me!

our slate is wiped clean..now we are just moving...keep moving and do not look back and make yourself sick over this!!

[Pandora]

wallowing in self pity, I think back through my past. Going over every little thing I did that got me to where I am today, bankruptcy.

Well today, I am no longer worried about what the "Joneses" have. I am worried about what I need to do to make it through this fall from the "faux" life I had. I have never hit a bottom like this before, and can't help but wish to go back for a "do-over", but its a bit too late for that.

I mentally beat myself up daily over these things. I have faith that things will be better after all this is over, but this BK is just "all over me" and its tough to wrap my head around at times.

I want a fresh start. This is my "do-over". I have hope that I will be able to look back on this as the best decision I've ever made.........but I'm just waiting.

Stop worrying about the past and decisions you made to get you where you are today, its futile. Instead focus on the here and now, taking into account mistakes made in the past soas not to repeat them. You will only get a fresh start in a BK if you learn from past mistakes - so many have filed BK only to find themselves back again from not learning. Such is life my dear - we're human, we're supposed to make mistakes.

What makes us stronger is learning who we are in times of crisis and need - and the knowledge we gained from our past experiences. Dont focus on how things "were" so much - instead focus on what you can do differently now to ensure it doesnt happen again

Hang in there - it gets better - and stressing over it as much as you are isnt good for you healthwise, it can lead to depression and illness (which it sounds like you are depressed) Debt doesnt define you - character does. ;)

[Freddy03]

Someone once told me "Don't let your past predict your future"

[Panacea]

Thanks for the advice. Yes, you could say I'm was a bit depressed. I'm all over the place with these emotions. This morning depressed, right now mad. Some days are really good! And I know this is the right way to go. Just some days are harder then others.

[MSbklawyer]

.....and btw - I'm hatin on that Jones family right now! Maybe I'll see them at my 341! hahaha!

More than a few times I've had clients bump into neighbors or acquaintances at their § 341 meetings and they thought they would absolutely die from shame and embarassment . . . until I brought it to their attention that the other person was in the room for the same reason they were.

[alorth]

Panacea...I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry.

I feel the very same right now. Funny thing is, I used to go to a Counselor for my depression, and used to take anti-depressants, but cut off both last year because 1. I can't afford the co-pays and the deductible for the Counselor, and 2. I'm on lots of other expensive meds, and I cut out the anti-deps to save the co-pays on that.

Unfortunately, I now know both were/are necessary for as bad as I feel right now...especially with the BK looming.

[Pandora]

Panacea...I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry.

I feel the very same right now. Funny thing is, I used to go to a Counselor for my depression, and used to take anti-depressants, but cut off both last year because 1. I can't afford the co-pays and the deductible for the Counselor, and 2. I'm on lots of other expensive meds, and I cut out the anti-deps to save the co-pays on that.

Unfortunately, I now know both were/are necessary for as bad as I feel right now...especially with the BK looming.

Have you tried for assistance from the pharm company? Many offer rebates and/or RX cards, even free meds if you qualify. Also look into asking your family dr for samples as they usually have tons of drug reps that bring them. One other note - check to see at Walmart.com (under pharmacy) if your past med is on there or could be substituted under the $4 1-month or $10 3-month supply list of generics.

If I had to use my ins. company for 2 of my meds (1 mine and 1 for our son) - the exact same brands and companies - it would cost me $30 for my med monthly and $40 for sons inhaler just in copays. Going through Walmart I just tell them to run the rx's w/out insurance. I end up paying $10 for a 90 day supply of my med - and $20 for my son's inhaler.

Insane.... you'd think that the ins. co. would have to honor the price the pharmacy is offering - but nope. They claim because they have "less access" to meds than the "big retail pharms do" - that we must pay THEIR copay allotment vs. what I could pay straight out of pocket w/out ins. coming into the picture, even though its more using ins. vs. not using it.

Does that make sense? Nope....not one bit - but thats ins. for ya!

[alorth]

Yep Pandora. I figured out that pharmacy trick about using WalMart w/o insurance last year when things started getting tight. Our income is really too high to be considered for any kind of assistance, public or private. But that doesn't mean we don't run into instances where a choice has to be made to do something, or not, ya know? We've already cut back so much, sold things off, and budgeted to try and head BK off, but to no avail.

Just like what Panacea said, its also tough for me to "wrap my head around" this circumstance I find myself and my family in. It feels like failure.

And so much for me personally because I have a past 7 (discharged) in my history from the early 1990's, as a single person not long out of college. I vowed to be smarter with credit back then, but like an alcoholic who tried to quit, but relapses after one drink, I find I've made the same mistakes again but on a much bigger scale.

[NowImDownInIt]

I went to their sites and got discount cards for my son's Xopenex asthma medication and my Lunesta.

I try really hard not to dwell on the decisions that brought me to bankruptcy and focus more on the changes that I have made in my life since.

Remember, that Jones' Family was probably as deep in debt as the rest of average American families.

[tobee43]

I went to their sites and got discount cards for my son's Xopenex asthma medication and my Lunesta.

I try really hard not to dwell on the decisions that brought me to bankruptcy and focus more on the changes that I have made in my life since.

Remember, that Jones' Family was probably as deep in debt as the rest of average American families.

really great advise...and pandora as usual you are so heart filled...

[ccsjoe]

I know for a fact one of my Joneses families is about to file AND lose not only their investment property but their residence. They relied heavily on one of the spouse's quarterly performance bonuses to float their technofobe lifestyle, always had the latest and greatest tech gadgets (yes, they were those who lined up overnight at the Best Buys), lived in a modest house but had to buy a much bigger brand new one with a stated loan and 0 down interest only 2/1 ARM which is about to hit its highest reset point next January. They rented out their modest home but they had refinanced it so many times that the house is now worth around 100K and the mortgage plus HELOCs is closer to 400K. No, I no longer want to keep up with them. Matter of fact is, I am now ahead of them. Think you can look at it this way Panacea?

[discouraged]

This whole past two years, being unemployed for a great portion of it, has taught me so much. When I look around my house and see all that I have learned by remodeling it, the inside at least, by myself, learning how to shop better, so many things I am grateful for.

Yes, I miss doing a lot of things I can no longer afford, but I have re-found reading and the Public Library. I know the days the thrift stores have sales and I re-discovered the dollar store. I do not long for my old life. If I remember correctly, I was often too tired to enjoy it!

So, this has helped me regain my basic values and altho I never thought I would end up in bankruptcy, well that's life.

Take the little pleasures where you can find them and look forward, not backward, to life.

[platter]

Panacea, once this is behind you and you no longer think about material things, know what? You're probably going to be able to focus more on the things in life that you will begin to deem as being more important than material things. Once when I was in transit to another state to work, I met a former coworker at a convenient place along the interstate at a Wal-Mart. There was an area to the side of the parking lot where there was a shade tree and we took our coolers and sat on them and enjoyed some fast food he brought. I told him that it was a memory in the making. It wasn't at the nearest chain restaurant, just under a shade tree where my dogs got to join in on the moment. It was an enjoyable moment doing something different. And we've never forgotten it. We also laugh to this very day about him leaving his cooler under the shade tree! Moments like these are the real things in life. If we'd met at a restaurant, the memory would've faded soon but this one will last forever. The things we would ordinarily take for granted have much more meaning once we learn to focus on them. And filing BK will no doubt remove us from the materialism we've all experienced at one time or another.

There's no way I'm going to allow myself to sit and worry about the "could've, would've and should've" of the past. I can only take what I've learned from it and I landed in this situation because there's less work out there now because of this recession. There's no way in this economy that I can get work all year for the next five years to pay all my debt off. There's less jobs, there's a buddy system on getting hired in construction (and right now they're hiring the cream of the crop to their advantage, and the nepotism is rampant, and can't now belive on false thoughts thinking that I can get steady all year employment. So, this time while on employment benefits, I'm going to file BK soon.

Why? Because I'd rather file bankrupsy now and be broke than try to struggle for the next five + years, never ever paying the debt off by that time, and then find myself filing BK and broke at an even older age than I now am!!!

What keeps me from not feeling guilty or depressed? The fact that I'm not going to let it ruin my health. I'm not going to let struggling with debt ruin my health nor any feelings about filing ruin my health. I'm looking forward to this with delight!! It's going to take a burden off my shoulders and mentally, I won't have to think constantly about how I'm going to pay the debt for the next X amt of years. (The only thing bothering me is filling out those papers (unless I use the Court Document Service) and I know I'd have to depend on this forum for assistance.) That's the greatest of my worries, that's all. To heck with feeling down about filing! It is what it is and there's a boatload of people in the U.S. having to do it.

If you don't have your health, you don't have nothing, according the ol' saying.