Long lost family member ...
Usually when we think of a long lost family member, we think of someone we know that is no longer with us, that for some reason, they went away or "left."
We never consider the "long lost family member" to be ourselves. It's alway someone else.
Well, that's what I have been. See.. my mom and dad separated when I was 2. I am 39. I won't go into the whole series of events, but...last night I was finally able to contact him and talk to him. I never knew anything about my father's side of the family, nor had I visited since I was younger than 10.
It's been an emotional 24 hours as yesterday morning I found out I may have lupus. Tests are being done but the rheumatologist is "confident" I have it.
I spoke with my aunt, who is my father's sister in law first. She was very gentle with me and wouldn't give my father my number - leaving me to make the move to contact him. She mentioned how they always thought about me and she kept saying how I am not alone and that I have family. I never thought of "family" being in the context of my dad's side, only with mom. Since I've only had contact with her side. And so now this.
It was weird talking to her because I really got the feeling that for him and his side of the family that *I* was the "long lost family member." And that they "found" me. It's weird, because I never felt lost, I'm right here. hehe
During my conversation with her the comment that broke me into tears was that my father has regretted not looking for me sooner and staying away. And that he's been so sad this whole time.
So. After talking to her for 20 minutes, I hung up and cried and my boyfriend was supportive and talked to me and I cried some more for an hour. And then... I called my father. We spoke for 40 minutes and got to know each other a little better.
He's 62. Was married, but his wife died of an illness 10 years ago. He has two children, son 32 daughter 30. And yes, I am angry that he probably helped put those children through school. His wife has always known he was previously married and that he had a little girl - me. So his kids have always known about me.
The weird thing is that in my heart had always known and could only picture him with.. guess what? 2 kids, older son, younger daughter, and that they'd be in their 30's by now. It's creepy-weird finding out that this is true.
I've purchased tix to go out to California to meet him. It's weird, because I want to go, but then I don't. I don't know what I'm feeling because I'm feeling so many different things all at once. Right now I'm wishing I could cancel the airplane ticket purchase. About 20 minutes ago I was excited about going. I may be excited to go in an hour, then in 2 hours I may not want to go. It's all so much.
37 years. At the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. I just said, "Ok. I'll talk to you later." I could tell he probably was dissapointed, but it just wasn't there for me.
At anyrate...I'm flying out next week. My boyfriend is coming with me. If anything, I have another uncle out there (who is brother to my mother) and who has been the closest to a father figure I have had my whole life.
What a Thanksgiving. Man... what a fourth quater for me this year.
We never consider the "long lost family member" to be ourselves. It's alway someone else.
Well, that's what I have been. See.. my mom and dad separated when I was 2. I am 39. I won't go into the whole series of events, but...last night I was finally able to contact him and talk to him. I never knew anything about my father's side of the family, nor had I visited since I was younger than 10.
It's been an emotional 24 hours as yesterday morning I found out I may have lupus. Tests are being done but the rheumatologist is "confident" I have it.
I spoke with my aunt, who is my father's sister in law first. She was very gentle with me and wouldn't give my father my number - leaving me to make the move to contact him. She mentioned how they always thought about me and she kept saying how I am not alone and that I have family. I never thought of "family" being in the context of my dad's side, only with mom. Since I've only had contact with her side. And so now this.
It was weird talking to her because I really got the feeling that for him and his side of the family that *I* was the "long lost family member." And that they "found" me. It's weird, because I never felt lost, I'm right here. hehe
During my conversation with her the comment that broke me into tears was that my father has regretted not looking for me sooner and staying away. And that he's been so sad this whole time.So. After talking to her for 20 minutes, I hung up and cried and my boyfriend was supportive and talked to me and I cried some more for an hour. And then... I called my father. We spoke for 40 minutes and got to know each other a little better.
He's 62. Was married, but his wife died of an illness 10 years ago. He has two children, son 32 daughter 30. And yes, I am angry that he probably helped put those children through school. His wife has always known he was previously married and that he had a little girl - me. So his kids have always known about me.
The weird thing is that in my heart had always known and could only picture him with.. guess what? 2 kids, older son, younger daughter, and that they'd be in their 30's by now. It's creepy-weird finding out that this is true.
I've purchased tix to go out to California to meet him. It's weird, because I want to go, but then I don't. I don't know what I'm feeling because I'm feeling so many different things all at once. Right now I'm wishing I could cancel the airplane ticket purchase. About 20 minutes ago I was excited about going. I may be excited to go in an hour, then in 2 hours I may not want to go. It's all so much.
37 years. At the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. I just said, "Ok. I'll talk to you later." I could tell he probably was dissapointed, but it just wasn't there for me.
At anyrate...I'm flying out next week. My boyfriend is coming with me. If anything, I have another uncle out there (who is brother to my mother) and who has been the closest to a father figure I have had my whole life.
What a Thanksgiving. Man... what a fourth quater for me this year.
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