"Remarks" from relative after borrowing money

[tatt2monster]

My Mom gave me 1000 dollars to pay my attorney (which I haven't done yet because of countless issues), now Mom is making comments like this one:

"if you move back in here to finish school, I hope your not going to get more credit cards after filing bankruptcy, in fact I'd insist on this..."

Was she out of line? This doesn't sit well with me and as long as my bk is going to be delayed I'm considering giving the money back to her. I even mentioned this but she said she would refuse to take it and would give me another thousand if I needed it. She laughed off the remarks as "thinking out loud".

Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? I know when you borrow money from family they have the right to ask questions, etc. But I think this is going too far. I'm not sure its worth it and will force her to take the money back citing this particular reason. If she refuses it, then I will insist she keep her thoughts to herself.

[mgmadara]

My dad mentioned to me more than once that he heard Suze Orman say that a large number of people who file for BK don't learn their lesson and file a 2nd time. It bugged me at first, but then I came to realize that my dad is just looking out for me and trying to make sure I don't end up in bankruptcy again. I think he realizes now that we have learned our lesson because he sees that our spending habits have changed dramatically and he doesn't make comments anymore. He really wasn't trying to upset me, he was just being my dad and offering his kid some advice. Try not to let your mom upset you too much. It will get better and the comments will stop.

[frustrated7]

We have had this problem with both sets of our parents. My parents, who only found out about our situation because creditors (who had our contact info) were calling and harassing them, have made lots of comments. It's mostly my mother, always making snide and rude comments about our situation. We would never have told them any of it, but we didn't get that choice since the creditors decided to try to shame us into paying them. My mother is still making those comments. When she starts up, I quickly get off the phone. I try to not speak to her on the phone and I will only be around her when others are there to cut down on the number of comments she makes. It has seriously damaged my relationship with my mother.

My inlaws have made comments as well, and lots of them. We had to ask them a question last year when we were getting ready to file BK, about a supposed trust fund that will someday belong to my husband, it's some big complicated mess and I don't believe it even exists. Well, when my husband asked about it, they wanted to know why he was asking and he told them. They have been all in our business since then and have made CONSTANT comments about our situation. While it isn't a big secret, we still expect some privacy and they have gone and talked to at least a dozen people about what is going on with us. We also get constant lectures about money and how we screwed up. Maybe if we had inherited literally millions of dollars (which they did and was how they got their money) we wouldn't be in this situation, but HOW DARE THEY JUDGE US?!?! I'll stop there, because that rant could go on forever.

I would highly recommend you avoid borrowing money from family, if at all possible. Especially since the comments have started. Maybe it was just a fluke and that was all you will hear, but it might become unbearable. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her she could have the money back if she wants, but you won't listen to her negative comments. Good luck to you.

[Fresh]

A couple of months ago, I had to borrow some money from friends just for basic living expenses and they were very cool about it and have not mentioned it since. I still owe one guy a small amount and have adhered to the agreement we made. It's like it never happened and I think because all of them have had their own financial issues at one time or another.

I don't have any family, but I would guess that your mom was worried in general and also almost talking aloud in terms of how she was basically going to regulate you if you were in her household again. If at all possible, do not move back home to save while you get more education.

I was also wondering whether your mom even realized HOW MUCH it hurt you. I don't think some people, family or friends, realize how hard it is to basically know it's time to start over. When I was pretty young and had a summer job, I remember my mom asking me why she should pay for something that she always did for me. It wasn't really expensive or anything and I could never understand why she did it when she said at the beginning of the summer that she wanted me to save all of my money. I was kind of embarrassed because it was in front of several people and I did just what you did: "no problem, I can take care of it." I think she realized she had maybe goofed because she kept insisting until I just said "no thanks, it's okay."

Maybe just think about what would make you feel best as far as the $1k.

[tatt2monster]

We have had this problem with both sets of our parents. My parents, who only found out about our situation because creditors (who had our contact info) were calling and harassing them, have made lots of comments. It's mostly my mother, always making snide and rude comments about our situation. We would never have told them any of it, but we didn't get that choice since the creditors decided to try to shame us into paying them. My mother is still making those comments. When she starts up, I quickly get off the phone. I try to not speak to her on the phone and I will only be around her when others are there to cut down on the number of comments she makes. It has seriously damaged my relationship with my mother.

My inlaws have made comments as well, and lots of them. We had to ask them a question last year when we were getting ready to file BK, about a supposed trust fund that will someday belong to my husband, it's some big complicated mess and I don't believe it even exists. Well, when my husband asked about it, they wanted to know why he was asking and he told them. They have been all in our business since then and have made CONSTANT comments about our situation. While it isn't a big secret, we still expect some privacy and they have gone and talked to at least a dozen people about what is going on with us. We also get constant lectures about money and how we screwed up. Maybe if we had inherited literally millions of dollars (which they did and was how they got their money) we wouldn't be in this situation, but HOW DARE THEY JUDGE US?!?! I'll stop there, because that rant could go on forever.

I would highly recommend you avoid borrowing money from family, if at all possible. Especially since the comments have started. Maybe it was just a fluke and that was all you will hear, but it might become unbearable. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her she could have the money back if she wants, but you won't listen to her negative comments. Good luck to you.

Yes, I'm trying to find work, I work in construction and its been hit hard by the recession. But as soon as I get something, the money she gave me is goin back to her. I have it locked up because believe me, when your out of work, it would be very easy to tap into it.

[jojo]

My dad mentioned to me more than once that he heard Suze Orman say that a large number of people who file for BK don't learn their lesson and file a 2nd time. It bugged me at first, but then I came to realize that my dad is just looking out for me and trying to make sure I don't end up in bankruptcy again. I think he realizes now that we have learned our lesson because he sees that our spending habits have changed dramatically and he doesn't make comments anymore. He really wasn't trying to upset me, he was just being my dad and offering his kid some advice. Try not to let your mom upset you too much. It will get better and the comments will stop.

I have told nobody (!) and would never put myself through this hell again!

[Flamingo]

My Mom gave me 1000 dollars to pay my attorney (which I haven't done yet because of countless issues), now Mom is making comments like this one:

"if you move back in here to finish school, I hope your not going to get more credit cards after filing bankruptcy, in fact I'd insist on this..."

Was she out of line? This doesn't sit well with me and as long as my bk is going to be delayed I'm considering giving the money back to her. I even mentioned this but she said she would refuse to take it and would give me another thousand if I needed it. She laughed off the remarks as "thinking out loud".

Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? I know when you borrow money from family they have the right to ask questions, etc. But I think this is going too far. I'm not sure its worth it and will force her to take the money back citing this particular reason. If she refuses it, then I will insist she keep her thoughts to herself.

Your mother is always your mother and will give you advice no matter what age you are or whether you like it or not as long as she lives. She only wants what is best for you but you don't see it right now due to the stress of financial issues. She is worried you could get yourself in the same trouble again if you start digging the credit hole after filing bankruptcy. It's well known and discussed that many folks just do not get it after filing and end up becoming serial filers utilizing BK as a budgeting tool. This forum is full of posters who continually ask how to get a credit card and with who after (or even before) discharge.

[tatt2monster]

No way, I am NEVER getting another credit card again. They have brought me nothing but trouble.

Just our of curiosity, are you a Mom Flamingo?

[LuciluS]

My father does NOT know we are filing Bankruptcy. It would just be something else for him to worry about and he we want to pay our Credit Cards off.

His mentioned before no daughter of his will need to file Bankruptcy. He gave us some money right after the car wreck. That's when he made the comment.

I pray every day and night, he doesn't find out about our BK; however, my evil stepmom reads the paper every day. Hoping the day ours appears in the paper is a day when she doesn't feel good.

I'm sure your Mom meant well. Just didn't come across to you in the manner you thought it should. If it will make you feel better, when you get a good job, pay her back. One less creditor you will have to list on your Credtior Matrix when you file for BK

Luci

[Trixie007]

I can imagine it would be frustrating to have Mom making comments such as she did, but... As a mother of a newly adult child (DD is 18) I have said to her that as soon as she is not looking to me for any form of financial assistance, I will completely keep to myself any questions or concerns I have for her financial life. Since I still pay her cell phone, medical, car insurance, laundry, and she scarfs down as much food as she can when she comes over (3-4 times/wk) I still get to have an opinion when she buys posters, new tops, lattes, concert tickets, etc! I know it's not quite the same thing, but the principle is the same, I worry that since she doesn't have enough money to pay all her basics she should be more frugal and I am constantly telling her NO credit cards, you'll be sorry!!!!

[OregonMom]

Most of my family was understanding and pretty cool about our situation and having to file. Heck when I told my mom she wanted more info because she herself was in the same boat. She filed too. My dad though was another story. I had to tell him since we were giving up the house and it was obvious we didn't sell it. He wanted to know everything and then proceeded to lecture me about it. He has no right to lecture me about money since he and my mother blew through a huge settlement they got when I was younger, spent all of the money set aside for my college and had struggled with money too. I said something to my sister and she told him to back off and I haven't heard about it again from him.

[Flamingo]

No way, I am NEVER getting another credit card again. They have brought me nothing but trouble.

Just our of curiosity, are you a Mom Flamingo?

I am a mom of 3 daughters and one stepson...youngest is 21 (daughter).

[bk4sky]

My Mom gave me 1000 dollars to pay my attorney (which I haven't done yet because of countless issues), now Mom is making comments like this one:

"if you move back in here to finish school, I hope your not going to get more credit cards after filing bankruptcy, in fact I'd insist on this..."

Was she out of line? This doesn't sit well with me and as long as my bk is going to be delayed I'm considering giving the money back to her. I even mentioned this but she said she would refuse to take it and would give me another thousand if I needed it. She laughed off the remarks as "thinking out loud".

Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? I know when you borrow money from family they have the right to ask questions, etc. But I think this is going too far. I'm not sure its worth it and will force her to take the money back citing this particular reason. If she refuses it, then I will insist she keep her thoughts to herself.

i dont think she was out of line, i kinda think your just really upset over the whole situation, which you have every right to be! which is why i think u took the comment alot worse. your mom seems really cool esp by what you have written about her. Shes just being a mother! i think you should just tell her in a nice way you have no intentions on getting anymore credit cards and you learned your lesson and your really stressed out the way it is and would appreciate it if she didn't mention stuff like that again.

my mom has been super understanding, but every once in a while she likes to crack jokes to me about how loaded i am!!! lmao! i can laugh about it now but when she does it i get sooooooo mad!

im really afraid to tell my dad. I'm hoping he never finds out. if he finds out he will prob be hurt i didn't tell him, but im not telling him cause i know he'd be really disappointed in me.

[walkthaplank]

Like the others said, parents will always be in your business... it goes with the job title.

Of course, once you bring them in to your business (by borrowing from them to do it) you do open the door. I have not told my family any part of this, if they find out and ask why I didn't ask for help, it will be a pretty easy answer, I didn't have your help getting IN to the mess, I wouldn't ask you to help get me OUT of this mess. The mess is mine to clean up.

There are some people who do not learn from their mistakes I don't plan on being one of them.