How do I politely handle this?

[tinroofrusted]

So I have been searching and searching for a ring bearer pillow, and have asked the Moms to be looking too.

Well yesterday my Mom in law drops by with the pillow. However, I had SPECIFICALLY said more than a dozen times, that I wanted an IVORY pillow, as the flower girl basket, my dress, and just about everything else is ivory.

The pillow is white.

It's a cute pillow, and I like it, but it's not what I wanted.

How do I handle this? Do I take the pillow back without telling her and exchange it, or do I ask her why she ignored my requests for Ivory? Do I make an issue out of it? Or do I just quietly explain that this wasn't what I had in mind.

I was heartbroken when I realized what she had done. I felt as if I wasn't being listened to or something....

Any suggestions?

[JeepMom]

Ask her where she bought it and ask her if she would be offended if you went and exchanged it to match the rest of your wedding accessories.

[lrprn]

So I have been searching and searching for a ring bearer pillow, and have asked the Moms to be looking too.

Well yesterday my Mom in law drops by with the pillow. However, I had SPECIFICALLY said more than a dozen times, that I wanted an IVORY pillow, as the flower girl basket, my dress, and just about everything else is ivory.

The pillow is white.

It's a cute pillow, and I like it, but it's not what I wanted.

How do I handle this? Do I take the pillow back without telling her and exchange it, or do I ask her why she ignored my requests for Ivory? Do I make an issue out of it? Or do I just quietly explain that this wasn't what I had in mind.

I was heartbroken when I realized what she had done. I felt as if I wasn't being listened to or something....

Any suggestions?

First suggestion from a Nov 2005 mother-of-the-groom - do not make an issue of it. I promise you that your future mother-in-law was not thinking, "I know, I'll get her a white pillow instead of ivory - that will really chap her hide!" There are so many details around a wedding, it's easy to forget the small ones like this when you aren't the bride. No matter how nice you are about it, it will hurt her feelings if you bring this to her attention. Take the gift she's offered you with a loving spirit - she was trying to do something nice for you. Trust me when I say that no one but you will notice if the ring bearer's pillow is white or ivory - you've got to keep the eye on the prize, the celebration of the marriage itself.

Second suggestion - if having a white ring pillow is truly going to totally ruin your wedding day, then if the pillow will take color and there's not a lot of different kinds of laces and ribbons on it, you can try soaking it in a mild brewed tea solution until it turns the right shade of ivory - problem solved. If the pillow won't take color or there are too many kinds of ribbons and laces with different compositions (makes the different parts take the color up unevenly), then quietly exchange it for an ivory pillow. I'm betting your future MIL won't even notice the switch.

[DisneyGirl]

Ask her where she bought it and ask her if she would be offended if you went and exchanged it to match the rest of your wedding accessories.

This is what I would do.

[pink_amulet]

This is what I would do.

You will be spending the rest of her life being family with this woman, be open and honest......I had a WONDERFUL relationship with my hubby's mom until she passed. I could tell her anything!
First OVER praise her for the awesome help, but ask if they had other colors (keep the same style) cause you were really really hoping to keep everything matching.
The exchange idea is a great idea!

good luck

[SinkingFast]

I think I'd go with "I love the ring bearer pillow you got for US!! Where in the world did you find it??!!" routine. Then call the shop or visit there and see if you can exchange it for the right color.

I'd bet FMIL didn't intend to get the wrong color on purpose. It may be she reached for the right one and grabbed the left one, or whatever. The 2 color pillows coulda been sitting side by side. And wound up with the wrong color on accident. Or simply heard "ring bearer pillow" and wah wah, wah wah after that. Once you're a Mom it's easy to do. I tune things out all the time and then have to say, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that??!!"

[tinroofrusted]

Or simply heard "ring bearer pillow" and wah wah, wah wah after that. Once you're a Mom it's easy to do. I tune things out all the time and then have to say, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that??!!"

That is becoming routine and is starting to piss me off. It seems no matter what I say I WANT or NEED, someone else is going with the opposite, or not caring.

I had a dream last night that I showed up to the get ready room, and my hair dresser never arrived. It's my aunt, and she's being REALLY wishy washy about all of this, even though she has promised to get everything in order for me.....

Thanks for your suggestions guys. I guess I just need to bite the bullet, and tell the truth without being witchy.

[Minnymouth]

Tin,
Calm that red-head of yours down........ stay cool!!!!

We know you want everything perfect, but life is not perfect and neither are weddings.......... and believe me MIL are sure not..... They often mean well but get things messed up....

Try exchanging the pillow if you can find out where she got it..... Disguising it with flowers, ribbons, etc (to match your bouquet) is also an excellent idea.....

Also you can spray it with fabric paint the color of ivory...... available at walmart......

Do what you have to do, but remember "it's only a pillow"...... don't let it cause your new life to get off on the wrong foot.....

My thoughts,

PS - The hairdresser, I would have a back-up plan..............

[robivi3]

Listen, thank God you don't have have me for a Father-in-Law trying to live out his failed dreams through your husband. Just ask my boys, one's a Lion Tamer, the other a Fighter Pilot and the third is on his way to "Snow Crab Fisherman's Finishing School" in Alaska. In laws are hard to take in any form. I am taking my mother-in-law to Tennessee next week. I have such a great relationship with her that i bought her 5lbs. of bacon to feed the bears and even packed it with her camping clothes in her suitcase!

[Minnymouth]

I can see you love your mother-in-law too!!!!!

Unfortunately, you do marry the family also............. and since it's his/her MOMMA................ it's BEWARE...................

New husbands take a while in LEARNING they have to side with thier wives in order to keep their peace and sanity in their own home..............

ROBIVI3 - I'm sure your MIL loves you too......................

[Minnymouth]

It goes like this "LOVE ME, LOVE MY MOMMA............. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER"!!!!! LOL

[robivi3]

Actually, we git along perty good. My wife has throwed her out several times for meddlin', and then things get fixed quickly. My wife doesn't apologize and shouldn't, nor does she, but it is blood and so things mend quickly. There is never any shouting or arguing between them, it is not their way. My wife waas raised by her Aunt in Colombia most of her life before she was 12 so she thinks differently. We are taking her up there because we ant her to see something other than New York and Miami. She is from a town called Valle Dupar in the Northern Sierra Nevadas, from all the photos it sort of like Gatlinburg. Alot of American and Germans living there. The photos of the homes, Condos and Apartments there are gorgeous. She came back so relaxed that I figured a trip to Tennessee would cap her last trip nicely. She is used to driving in much higher mountains so no problem there.

[SinkingFast]

That is becoming routine and is starting to piss me off. It seems no matter what I say I WANT or NEED, someone else is going with the opposite, or not caring.

I had a dream last night that I showed up to the get ready room, and my hair dresser never arrived. It's my aunt, and she's being REALLY wishy washy about all of this, even though she has promised to get everything in order for me.....

Thanks for your suggestions guys. I guess I just need to bite the bullet, and tell the truth without being witchy.

Tin,..............

I tune out a lot because for YEARS I had 3 little tikes screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!"

If you don't tune it out, you'd go bonkers. I know it. Because Hubby was gone all day to work. When he got home in the evening and on the weekends, they drove him crazy. And then there was the Tattle Tale phase. UGH!! So the chatter becomes so much background noise while you think about the things you need to do. And your ears learn the difference between the "they're fighting" screams and the "their hurt" screams.

People have thier own lives as well. Maybe your MIL heard about the pillow when she was on her way to the doctor. She was thinking about what she needed to get at the grocery. That she hadn't paid the phone bill yet and it's due. Wonder if Cousin Sue has that pillow from when her daughter got married. Any number of things could have been running thru her mind at those points in time.

One thing you gotta keep in mind,............. Little boys, er,........ I mean MEN, have 2 women they love dearly in their lives. Mommy and the woman they marry. Don't put your FI in the position of having to referee or choose. Both of your lives, yours and FI's, will be much better if you learn to coexist with her.

Tin,............ Try applying the 20 year rule.

20 years from now, will anyone remember it?? If not, then don't sweat it.

[jane taylor]

Tin:

I know how frustrating weddings are!! I would probably just tell her that you love the pillow and really appreciate her thinking of you, working so hard on the wedding, etc., but wondered if they might have it in ivory. You have to decide whether you want to risk hurting her feelings and getting exactly what you want or just letting it slide. The ring bearer is probably so cute that everyone will be looking at him and not the pillow! Our ring bearer put on a show at our rehearsal dinner and tossed the pillow up and down out of boredom in the ceremony! Not exactly what we had planned, but it has made for some wonderful memories !

My mother-in-law and I are just now getting along really well. She has always been so opinionated about EVERYTHING!! I had to realize that she really means well and does love us, but that she has her hang-ups, too. I'm sure yours is no different and that she didn't do it on purpose.

Hang in there and I can't wait to see pictures--I love weddings!!!!

jane

[Minnymouth]

Yep, Won't Be Much Longer Now, Tin...................
You Got The "bride" Gitters.......
It Will Be A Beautiful Wedding, I'm Sure......
Even With The Surprises That Happen That Day, You Don't Expect.