Can you remain discreet about your bankruptcy?

[movian]

I am so grateful that this forum exists. I have been reading it like crazy for the past four days - I've probably spent at least 12-16 hours reading. I really appreciate all your expertise and I hope I can offer some of my own after I get through this process. I haven't really seen this question addressed (but I've probably only read about 100 of the 1000+ pages of the chapter 7 section LOL).

I know I am not alone in feeling very shameful and guilty about working towards a bankruptcy.

I would really prefer that my decision to file bankruptcy be kept between my husband, my attorney, creditors and obviously the court folks. Is this reasonable? I'm current on my cards so I don't get those kinds of calls?

The attorney's websites I looked at have said that it is a myth that everyone will find out about bankruptcy. Is that true?

Once you file - do you hear from anyone other than your attorney and the court system?

[Flamingo]

Welcome aboard to the forum...have you done a search of the forum on your topic? It has been heavily discussed in this forum. Briefly, when you file bankruptcy it is public information; that means it could appear in your local newspaper if your local/area/state newspaper lists the bankruptcy filings in your county/state on a periodic basis (our newspaper publishes them every Sunday in the Business Section right next to the stock page/section) so anyone who sees your name in there if it is posted will know you have filed. You will also start to receive bankruptcy related mail and junk mail, some are postcards with that information right on the front or back (usually from car dealerships contacting all those that have recently filed or have been recently discharged). The only other way word spreads is if you open your own mouth and discuss it over the phone within earshot of someone in the office or elsewhere....you get the idea.

Do a search in this forum and you will be surprised at all you find on this subject.

[meateater]

Hi movian,

I filed almost a decade ago, pro se. I told only a very few trusted friends (who did not know each other). To my knowledge, no one found out . . . until I applied for a job in my field. I was at was supposed to be a formality interview with the president of the company, who I could tell was reading a background report on me. I was dropped like a hot potato. This was in my industry, I am one or two people removed from this president, and the president and I were acquainted, so its not like a random job candidate with a background issue.

My experience is that if you don't tell anyone, probably no one will find out. But, if you apply for a job where they check credit, apply for a mortgage or auto loan, or do anything else where you credit will be run or public records checked, whoever's doing the checking will find out. So if you want to buy a car, and you go to a friend who's a car dealer, they'll find out. Some local newspapers also run a list of folks who filed, depends on where you live.

I felt very guilty about filing for BK (still do), but I also feel like I'm keeping this big secret and that eventually I'll need to get over it. My company's involved in a merger, and I may end up going through a background check, thus having my current place of employment find out about it. Despite the above job issue, it appears that fewer than handful of people who know me personally know about the BK.

If you need to file BK, you need to file, and you don't have any control over who finds out (but, most people won't unless you tell them, or are involved in a business relationship with them). Assume no one will find out, but prepare a small statement of what you're going to say on the off chance someone finds out and says something. I've read sevral articles about this sort of issue when dealing with work - they all say to simply explain it shortly and factually, and to not get into guilt or other feelings you might have about it (which I agree with, unless its a close friend, no reason to share emotions about the topic).

After you file, you'll hear from your attorney and the court, and you'll probably get marketing targeted to recent BK's (so the postman might suspect based on the flyers, use a post office box if you can). The credit card people don't know you personally, so at least for me, its not an issue that they know. But, if you think you can share the fact that your filing without serious ramifications, I'd consider doing so, so you don't get the added issue of having a "secret." Its hard having a secret thats a public record that can be discovered at any time.

Good luck!

[strummerfan]

I was in the same position and procrastinated for several years, the real shame came when process servers show up at you house asking your baby sitter for your car. Since I filed I have had no shame I sleep at night, I can afford to properly feed and cloth my family and provide a good normal living situation. I am a known to the public professional thought it would hurt my reputation...which it did not.

The real shame is I disregarded the needs of my family by making payments to credit card companies which only end up screwing you in the end.

People know about my BK since I told them and their reaction is the opposite of what I anticipated, they usually say good for you while most comment that I should have done it sooner,

Good luck and wish you well!!

[tobee43]

I am so grateful that this forum exists. I have been reading it like crazy for the past four days - I've probably spent at least 12-16 hours reading. I really appreciate all your expertise and I hope I can offer some of my own after I get through this process. I haven't really seen this question addressed (but I've probably only read about 100 of the 1000+ pages of the chapter 7 section LOL).

I know I am not alone in feeling very shameful and guilty about working towards a bankruptcy.


I would really prefer that my decision to file bankruptcy be kept between my husband, my attorney, creditors and obviously the court folks. Is this reasonable? I'm current on my cards so I don't get those kinds of calls?

The attorney's websites I looked at have said that it is a myth that everyone will find out about bankruptcy. Is that true?

Once you file - do you hear from anyone other than your attorney and the court system?

welcome to the bk forum!! i know this is quite a roller coaster of emotions for most of us.

personally for us dealing with the "shame" and "guilt" proved more trying than the actually bk itself at times.

our son still doesn't know. no one does other than those that HAD to know...it's just our personal business and unfortunately many in our society still associate bk in such a negative and with such condemnation; we found it not worth having to put ourselves in position to have to explain anything to anybody.

frankly, most or many people associate bk with poor money management... and not job loss...or illness etc. so we simply chose not to have to explain ourselves to anyone.
also, if you were not an honest and good person, you would not be feeling these types of emotions...but those that have always maintained their finances and now find themselves where they never in the wildest dreams would never think they would end up...have, indeed, ended up in bk...good, hardworking, HONEST people...like yourself.

do what YOU feel is right..we chose to keep it just to the some circle and we are glad we did.

best of luck to you and yours and have a wonderful holiday! make sure you post about your progress!!!

[Pandora]

While we all know the feeling of filing BK isnt a great one... the bottom line is who cares what others think? At least thats my mentality in all of this. My thing is - if someone "finds out" and thinks less of me, then so be it - they can offer to pay my bills if they so desire, that way they "feel better" but in the end, its a business decision and emotion has to be removed from it. When hubby lost his job and we were living on next to nothing, all of our friends and family knew the situation was grave at best (they knew he lost his job, but nothing about filing BK).

Family helped us out in the interim and when it came to deciding we had to file because we had no choice, they understood it came down to having a roof over our heads or being on the street. We chose to keep the roof over our heads . If any of our friends (if they know we filed, then we dont know about it as we didnt share it with them) say a word about anything, I will gladly tell them where to go. After all, if our friends think less of us...then they werent friends to begin with.

My thinking is walk in my shoes..then you can cast a stone

[chicagoannie]

My feeling is this - I needed to file in order to take care of my children - it was a business (and survival!) decision. People who find out and are judgmental did NOT walk in my shoes these past 4 years. Losing a well-paying job I loved when the economy tanked, then taking a 35% paycut for a job I did NOT love...then having that company shut its doors really left my finances in the toilet. At least when I get a new job I won't be getting hit with any garnishments and the potential consequence of being let go for THAT reason.

[DaisysMom]

Don't you get mail from the Bankruptcy Court??? I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else...so if I receive BK mailings then everyone will know.

DM

[tobee43]

Don't you get mail from the Bankruptcy Court??? I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else...so if I receive BK mailings then everyone will know.

DM

we only got one piece of mail the entire time...since everything really went through our atty....the ONLY mail we rec'd was our order of discharge and order of no distribution...that was it.

[jlynn275]

I guess I'm the odd ball because I don't care what anyone thinks. All of my family, most of my friends and some of my coworkers know about my debt because it's been a 1000 pound ball attached to a chain that's been attached to my soul for the past several years. When asked if I want to go out for drinks or dinner "sorry, can't afford it". When asked if I want to go for a weekend get away "sorry, I can't afford it". When asked if I want to participate in secret santa "sorry, I can't afford it". It's the truth and I'm not ashamed of it because I did my best to dig myself out of this for YEARS. I've spent $20,000+ in the past 5 years on medical. I haven't lost my job, but my husband had to change jobs before the old one killed either him or US. I put myself through school to try to get a better paying job, with less of a commute. But that hasn't exactly worked out. Shit happens and I won't apologize for doing what's best for me, my husband and my future. I tried like hell to do the "right thing", but nobody cared, nobody wanted to work with me even when I begged and tried to be proactive. So the shame I once felt is GONE. Plus everyone is going to know when I lose my house because I will be moving...not exactly something I can hide. And I don't lie.

[brokejoker]

We filed and no one but our attorney, the court, and us knew about it. The mail came from our attorney instead of straight from the court. Now my dad knows and my bff knows because I told them. DH told his bff too. No one reacted negatively, mostly because they knew that we were under some financial strain - even if they didn't know the full extent. So, if we hadn't told anyone than nobody would know. The people we did tell really didn't care all that much.

[shrews228]

I wish we had remained discreet about our decision to file Ch 7.... I told my family and that was it. My mom said "I can't condone or condemn your decision"....then she made a smart remark about all the "free stuff" that we ended up with Although that WAS NOT our intention! We always paid all our bills on time, which contributed to the viscious cycle of not being able to afford to buy things with good old cash, because we didn't have any. The nail in the coffin for us was when the minimums went up....we were starting our "snowball" before that happened. Anyhow, My family is probably more judgmental than any of my friends would have been, because they would understand how hard it is to take care of 4 kids on 1 income!!!

thanks for letting me vent!

Lynda

Going to file Ch 7 in 2/2011

[frogger]

I guess I'm the odd ball because I don't care what anyone thinks. All of my family, most of my friends and some of my coworkers know about my debt because it's been a 1000 pound ball attached to a chain that's been attached to my soul for the past several years.

I'm in that same oddball club with you. I really don't give a thought to what anyone may think. I did what was legal, followed the law, and got a fresh start.

You'll only get talked about until the next big news comes along. Don't worry about it.

[daylate]

Somewhere along the line, I heard the following thought and it seems appropriate here:

Those that matter won't care and those who do care don't matter...

[researchnerd]

At first I I tried not to let anyone know about our BK, but finally had to tell my boss, because I had to miss work for attorney appointments and court dates. It was a hard conversation to have, but what she said to me really turned my thinking around:

"You hold your head up. You have no reason to be ashamed of this. You're in this situation through no fault of your own, and there are literally millions of other people out there in the same predicament these days. Just do what you need to do, stand tall, and take as much time as you need. And let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

She promised not to tell anyone at work, and in fact told people I was having car trouble when the repo man came to work looking for my car.

Since my boss's pep talk, I have realized that there truly is no shame in filing bankruptcy, not in this economy. Bankruptcy is legal in our culture because it is sometimes necessary. I've told my direct coworkers, our close friends and immediate family, including my 18-yr-old son. Nobody has said anything negative, and in fact the responses have all been sympathetic and encouraging. If they're talking about me behind my back in a negative way, I don't know about it and don't really care. The people who matter don't think less of me.

FWIW, we didn't get any mail that said "bankruptcy court" on it. It all came through my attorney.