How do you deal with friends/coworkers that don't know you filed?

[andy158]

Just venting here. I work with several people and have several friends who are "double and triple dipping". Most are older people who are collecting pensions, took buy outs from their previous jobs because the company went belly up and those who are collecting their social security. All while working a good paying full time job. Example: Bob is 63 years old, married with no kids (never had any) and is working full time along side me. He collects a pension from his previous job at $1,800/ mo. His salary is the same as mine at $58,000/yr. His wife collects social security at $1,100/mo. I know these figures to be fact because I filed out his unemployment info on line when we got laid off this past Christmas. (He will not have a computer in his house) He has absolutely no debt and shouldn't with that income. He is always reminding me of it and it is starting to get to me. He has no idea I filed bk 13 last year and has a very negative approach on people who do. Most all of the people I work with have the same opinion about bk filiers. I have gotten to the point where I am feeling quilty. Something is always said about people who can't afford the houses they live in and why the interest is so high on credit cards because of dead beat people who file bankruptcy and the country is so messed up because of people going bankrupt and so on...... What do you do to react to people with that attitude?

[blockhead]

I don't tell 'em in the first place. And if someone found out and actually had the bad taste to confront me with it, I'd do tha blank stare routine. Never apologize, never explain is my motto in this circumstance.

[frogger]

Start talking about it to me, and I'll start talking right back to you. I'll tell you that I filed, why I filed, and why it was the best and only choice for me.

That pretty much shuts them up.

[SMinGA]

I don't discuss my finances with everyone - just the closest friends/family that I'm comfortable sharing the full details with. I see nothing wrong with having personal boundaries, and have no need to know everyone else's finances or my own with them.

[jdcat]

The people with that attitude have that attitude because they've not been through it themselves and they aren't capable of fathoming why anyone would file bk. They are ignorant in the sense that they can't know what they don't know, but that is no fault of their own. Without having gone through it it's not reasonable to expect them to understand or relate. They can only think from the perspective of someone who's never had big financial problems.

When I see someone with that attitude I let it go because they obviously have never "been there" so they *can't* know what they are talking about, even though they think they do. It's an odd thing to witness people with this attitude because it's like watching someone trying to convince someone else that they know all about Japanese culture when they've never been Japanese.

Then I say a silent prayer for them that they will never have to know.

[funcritter]

Every single person I know knows including every person I work with. Not one person has been non supportive.

I can also afford more than afford my house payments every month. My parents left me the house when they passed away and I don't ever plan on getting rid of it and the bankruptcy insures that will never happen. I just got carried away with cards and buying a car that I never should have bought in the first place.

When I signed my BK papers on Friday, my lawyer told me that it was nice to see someone for once who was not upside down on their mortgage and ahead.

[JEM]

I don't tell 'em in the first place. And if someone found out and actually had the bad taste to confront me with it, I'd do tha blank stare routine. Never apologize, never explain is my motto in this circumstance.

I am really trying to have this attitude. LOL.

We haven't told anyone. Especially not family. I am pretty sure my family would be supportive, I just feel like I would be disappointing them somehow.

Dh's family though. They would be the one's that confront us, and bring it up at family gatherings. There are a few in the family that would choose to use it as a way to embarrass us in front of others. Them finding out would mortify me.

BUT, it's like you said, they are the one's showing bad taste in even bringing it up.

[penniless]

I would tell them it's a business decision, just like some people are walking away from their mortgages.

[whyme]

In my experience with people, if they're gloating about something they're so great at, they've got other, more serious issues to contend with. It's like they're trying to convince themselves and everybody else that they're really a great person because deep down, they don't really believe they are. For example, my dad always mentions how he paid back 40k in credit card debt and didn't file bk like some of his other "deadbeat" friends. But, he has serious marital problems, lost one son (my brother) to drug abuse, he and his other son (my other brother) are estranged, etc... I also have a friend who always loves to brag about her great finances (it's probably BS), but her husband has been fired from every job he's ever had because he's a drug addict.


So, don't ever let anyone fool you into thinking their life is sqeaky clean, because if you look a little closer, you'd be surprised.

BTW, I would NEVER, EVER tell anyone, not even close family members, about my financial issues even if I was loaded with cash or flat broke. Why should I? It's none of their business.

[bktmom28]

It is absolutely a personal choice if you choose to tell someone. We told our closest family members, just because it really was a heavy burden to carry and also because we were walking away from our home. I have never been one to judge people. You cannot know what a person has been through unless you have been in their shoes. We did make some foolish decisions when it came to our finances, but there is a reason that bankruptcy is in place. I think that for so many there is such a stigma with BK but like many others that have posted on this forum, it is a clean slate. I have a feeling that we are all just the beginning of a tidal wave that is going to hit this country. I am just glad we jumped on the boat now.

[good2free]

My personal preference is not to tell anyone. Only my wife and I know about it and that's all.

I did not tell my close friends who will support this decision. It is my personal business and I will stick to it.

[momofthree]

Sometimes it's best to just smile and nod. This man is 63 years old. You won't change his mind by talking about your experience. He obviously hasn't ever experienced much financial hardship, so he can't possibly understand. Just as he can't understand how expensive children are since he's never been a parent.

So, smile, nod, remember that you did what is best for you and your family, and get on with your day.

[andy158]

Yes momofthree children are expensive. We have two and early in thier lives had health issues and that is part of our choice to file bk. Our insurance at the time was minimal with lots of co-pays and deductables. As mentioned earlier people who gloat about their lives usually have other skeletons in the closet. I'm glad mine is only a bk that will be done in four more years and the closet will be empty again!

[OregonMom]

I usually tell people that Obama gave a bailout to the banks and auto industry, so my bankruptcy was my form of a government bailout! I never felt the need to tell anyone I worked with and with my family there were some of them I told them about it and told them I didn't want to hear anything negative about it. If they don't like it shut their mouths.

[Flamingo]

There was an excellent quote given on Desperate Housewives several weeks ago...."How does a fish get caught? It opens its mouth."

People that know you very well will know you are in financial straights and/or filing or have filed. If you work in a close knit work environment where everyone can hear your phone conversations or observe a change in your daily mood/activity (i.e., more personal time off for appointments, on the phone with more personal phone calls, etc.) some people just catch on. In some offices you can hear entire closed door conversations just by being near an air vent several offices away.

Many people find out that people file afterwards by seeing it in the paper, having conversations with other people that know you, etc. but they will never say anything to you about it as you have not told them nor discussed it with them. Some family members may get angry that you did not tell them and they find out afterwards.

It's your personal life and how you handle it as you want is all that matters.