How do you afford a lawyer?

[Faust]

I don't have any answers but my thoughts are with you during this terrible time.

[olivies]

I agree with the other posters. You have a bigger issue going on here than the possible Bankruptcy. Seek help from social services or your church- the first thing you need is people to help you out with your personal situation. Is moving to NY with your mom a possibility?

[NoMoreCards]

My thoughts go out to you, that is a tough situation all the way around. I have to agree with what the others said, and wanted to add that children tend to do what they see their parents do. So if you have sons, they will see how controlling their father is and thus be that way with their wives when they grow up. The same is true for your daughters. They will see how you are treated, and expect to be treated the same way by their husbands. Someone, somewhere needs to stand up and break this cycle. That person should be YOU. I am not saying this to be judgmental at all, just as someone who has seen how cycles DO repeat. For your children's sake, you need to be stronger and stand up for your rights. Your husband does not need to give his permission for you to divorce him. Nor does he get a choice in paying child support. That is all court ordered and enforced. You could probably get him to pay your attorney's fees for the divorce as well considering you have a 17 year marriage with him being the main breadwinner. You do have options available if you choose to make a change, but I would highly suggest talking to a attorney. By doing nothing, you are allowing this cycle to continue.

Unfortunately merime, you need to fix this problem to make your (and your children's) situation better going forward, before filing for BK. IMHO.
I sincerely wish you the very best, and hope you can find the strength needed to make things better.

[BKAttyMI]

I agree with all the great advice you're receiving here, but also want to add that most divorce attorneys will offer a free consultation and if your husband was the breadwinner, they may even take your case for free and collect the money from him afterwards through the court. Bankruptcy then might be an option, if even any of the other cards are in JUST your name, if they are in his name, they are HIS responsibility, whether or not you were an authorized user. Make sure in the divorce proceedings you don't relent and allow all the debt to be assigned to you, find a good attorney that will fight for your rights as most of the debt sounds like it was probably household expenses that both you and your husband were responsible for. Please take action on this situation, I grew up in a household with family problems and I'm still psychologically scarred from them, get your kids out NOW.

[rjmwx81]

You have my sympathy, I know how hard it is. My marriage recently ended, and the decision to pay my ex's obligations instead of my own are a big part of the reason I'm looking at a BK. The decision to divorce can be very difficult. Unlike bankruptcy, which is basically just financial, there's an emotional component to divorce, too, that makes it so much harder. It's easy to agonize over the decision from an emotional standpoint. My thinking is, if you've reached the point where you're saying "I would leave but I just can't afford it" then it sounds like you've already made the decision, you just need to find the best way out. The best advice I can give is to start calling attorneys. As others have said, if your husband makes significant income, some attorneys will file your divorce without charge, in exchange for a portion of the alimony/support payments. All you can do is ask, the worst that can happen is an attorney will tell you "no" in which case you just keep looking. Just remember that in a divorce, things are much more negotiable than in a bankruptcy. Your husband isn't going to get his way on everything.

[merime]

Thank you for all the advice. Yes, everyone is correct in therory. Very controlling. I just dont want to have no place to live with 3 kids. Its so hard. He definatly does not help pay for kids. He was abusive, but not anymore. I am working so hard. I take care of 5 babies in a preschool. Its very stressful.

[BKAttyMI]

Merime - That's the point you're missing, they're HIS kids and will NOT be left without a home. In all likelihood you will probably be able to stay where you are staying, WITHOUT having to pay him in the divorce. He is responsible to make sure his children have shelter, food and medical care. Since you have a low income, he will be required to support his children and probably even you since you were married for so long. Please talk to a divorce attorney for the specifics of the law in your state.

[merime]

I realize that , but also know my husband. He would say things like you owe me a lot of money. He billed me for things I needed to pay for in our 17yrs of marrige once I got a Job. About 6yrs back he would yell every day if I bought anything. I became so sad inside. He could say that I acted crazy. He took all my self confidence away. I never put a card in his name, only 1 we have joint. He does not even know the extent of my debt. Yes, I have a telephone consultation in a week with a bankrupcy lawyer. I do not know how to pay for it. Honest. I don't even know how I am going to find the time to see a lawyer with work. I have to punch a time clock. I get no vacation days. I appreciate your trying to help.

[ccsjoe]

merime,

You are at a point where in reality only you can help not only yourself but your children. I do not know your entire situation and certainly not all the circumstances surrounding you, however, it does seem to me that you are apparently stuck in a rather abusive relationship that you need help with prior to bk. I would never tell my wife she owes me money, and I only ask her to check purchases with me when they're over a certain amount to make sure we can afford them. She doesn't have an allowance to live off of, she has access to our joint accounts. In a situation as personal as this, you truly have to consider what your priority is...digging out from under debt, digging out from under an abusive relationship, or both? Only you can make that decision.

As a friend recently told me, GBWY.

[olivies]

Nothing worthwhile was ever done without effort.

Your debt is not a problem, however the ability to manage your debt while not being able to be honest with your husband and respected by your husband is. But since it's been 17 years in a seemingly abusive marriage, I think to you the debt seems like an easier thing to walk away from and the real problem since the marriage has just become your life and what you are used to. There are ways out- there are places and people to help you, but obviously you have to seek that out if that's what you want.

As for the bankruptcy, stop paying your card, squirrel away the money so you can hire your attorney. Just be aware that when phone calls start coming from debt collectors , or you need to account for your income when filing, your husband may find out about the bankruptcy anyways.

One last point- did you ever stop and think that the ONLY reason he would never file bankruptcy is because it makes it that much easier for you to leave??

I wish you luck, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[enuffznuff]

Oh, merime, you're breaking my heart honey, honestly. HE CANNOT MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING. I know it feels like he can. But he can't.
I understand your concern..if you file divorce, he won't leave the home willingly, and then what will you do? Sure, you may get it in the end, but what about in the meantime? You can't be in the same house with him once you file. I understand that. So where will you go? What will you do?

You must contact a women's shelter. They will provide you with a safe, protected place for you and your kids to live (and they aren't usually like homeless shelters, hon, most women's shelters have apartment buildings they utilize.) You can get a waiver of the filing fee. The shelter can help you with this. They can also get an emergency temporary order for custody and child support, and start garnishing the support IMMEDIATELY. That will be in place until your actual divorce proceeding.
It will not be UP to him. It won't matter what he 'says' you 'owe'. The court is not afraid of him. He has no power with the judge.

You are so scared to leave you're considering filing bankruptcy when that won't solve ANY Problem other than freeing up a little more money to give to HIM. He IS still abusive, whether he's still hitting you or not.

Call a shelter from your work, on your lunch break. Someone will COME TO YOUR WORK and talk to you if you tell them you can't go anywhere outside of work hours.
There are people who will help you. Get out, merime, while you still have that little bit of yourself deep inside that knows there is a better life out there somewhere, away from him. *hugs*

[wonderingrov]

Oh, merime, you're breaking my heart honey, honestly. HE CANNOT MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING. I know it feels like he can. But he can't.
I understand your concern..if you file divorce, he won't leave the home willingly, and then what will you do? Sure, you may get it in the end, but what about in the meantime? You can't be in the same house with him once you file. I understand that. So where will you go? What will you do?

You must contact a women's shelter. They will provide you with a safe, protected place for you and your kids to live (and they aren't usually like homeless shelters, hon, most women's shelters have apartment buildings they utilize.) You can get a waiver of the filing fee. The shelter can help you with this. They can also get an emergency temporary order for custody and child support, and start garnishing the support IMMEDIATELY. That will be in place until your actual divorce proceeding.
It will not be UP to him. It won't matter what he 'says' you 'owe'. The court is not afraid of him. He has no power with the judge.

You are so scared to leave you're considering filing bankruptcy when that won't solve ANY Problem other than freeing up a little more money to give to HIM. He IS still abusive, whether he's still hitting you or not.

Call a shelter from your work, on your lunch break. Someone will COME TO YOUR WORK and talk to you if you tell them you can't go anywhere outside of work hours.
There are people who will help you. Get out, merime, while you still have that little bit of yourself deep inside that knows there is a better life out there somewhere, away from him. *hugs*

I was about to reply with just the same advice as was given here. You need to get out of that situation, and your husband needs to be forced (by the court) to meet his obligations to his children. I grew up in an abusive situation, and it wasn't until I was 18 that I was able to get out of the situation, and then my mother and I were able use legal action to force my father to get the hell away from my remaining siblings with a restraining order and pay child support as well as alimony. PLEASE listen to the advice of others on this thread and break the cycle - get help. There are shelters out there for ladies who are in exactly your situation, and those who will help you. But you have to take the first step.

[merime]

I don't know how. I call and nobody wants to help. Iam an only child, I have no family. I used to be pretty and now I have financial, work and marrige stress. My dryer which was new died and I have been getting the run around on that for 3 weeks. I don't even brush my hair anymore. I am on the end of my rope. My daughter has had a fever for a week. I can't miss work to go to a lawyer.

[justbaby]

This is a very sad situation...I am in victim services and see these type cases more than anyone would even want to know. It sounds like your "abusive" husband has done what his main goal is - to beat you down and keep you wrapped around his finger. A few previous posters has said for you to go to a local women's shelter to seek assistance. That is the best advice at this point. Filing bankruptcy will only ignite an already lit fire.

[merime]

Thank you. For 17 yrs all I heard is "get a job". I had a special needs son, and decided to homeschool him because he only had a speech delay, no learning disability. I did that for 15 yrs. He now is in a difficult public high school making straight As. I feel like I made the right decision. Yes, its been a daily assult on my spirit. One day he kicked me into a garbage canin front of my mother and children. I stay, because he has so much power, and I don't. I can not express how grateful i am for everyones support. Yes, I will call the womans shelter on Monday.