This whole marriage thing...

[tinroofrusted]

Morning Tin,

Hope you "love birds" have talked out your differences........ and all things are settled for right now......

There's so many adjustments when you first get married...... like "who takes a shower first"........... who gets the bathroom first?........ sometimes a spouse that just "won't get up"...... etc.... All "little irritating" things that bother us and we don't say anything..... and the list just keeps building.

Hope your having a better day today..........

That's a negative.

However, this is for the long haul, and something will give or break eventually. Right now I am just praying about it, and keeping positive thoughts in my little head.

Can anyone tell me what it is about men, and settling for mediocrity, and having no drive? I don't get that either.....



*sigh*

[Minnymouth]

Morning Tin,

Hope you "love birds" have talked out your differences........ and all things are settled for right now......

There's so many adjustments when you first get married...... like "who takes a shower first"........... who gets the bathroom first?........ sometimes a spouse that just "won't get up"...... etc.... All "little irritating" things that bother us and we don't say anything..... and the list just keeps building.

Hope your having a better day today..........

[debtisbad]

Tin,

Just remember to keep your mil out of it. My mil is in the thick of it. She is about to ruin my marriage and she is loving it! Some of it I understand and some of it I don't. Her husband passed away a few years ago. My husband is her only child. She told me she has no one else. BUT, she has not tried to make one friend in the 8 years her husband has past. She also spends wildly and my husband told me yesterday she is thinking about filing BK. I almost spit! She has a brand spanking new suv that was around 36k and she is 80 years old. Don't get me wrong--nothing bad about that. But I do not think she should have bought the car if she could not afford it. Her Ford was just fine. She is very much into what people think. Always tells my son's "what will the neighbors think"

I am just venting, hope your mil does not turn out like mine! If you read any of my previous posts, I am going to FL in for thanksgiving to visit my mom, and my 11 year old son is pissed that we are staying at motel 6 instead of the Hyatt like his other grandmother would do!!!!!

[anonymuse]

Tin, just remember that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect couple--you're still learning a lot about each other. If I remember correctly, you didn't live together before you got married? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) The key to anything now is COMMUNICATION. The two of you need to find a way to talk about this and discuss your expectations of each other. Good luck!

[tinroofrusted]

Good advice lrprn,



Sex is "not" a weapon, tho many try to make it one. If they can't get it at home, they'll go somewhere else for it.........

I want to be one of those wives that their husband brags about not having to step out on. There is nothing worse than people using physical intimacy against thier partner, or to use for their partner. It makes for some awful situations down the road.

Thanks for the support you guys! I am really feeling down and out, and needed this kick in the butt today!

[robivi3]

22 years of imperfection, bad tempers, monetary shortages, arguments and lots of fun times.

[Minnymouth]

Good advice lrprn,

Yep, its time to stop the "madness", make peace, make up, and talk!!!

Sex is "not" a weapon, tho many try to make it one. If they can't get it at home, they'll go somewhere else for it.........

Both parties being "stubborn", never solved anything.....

Someone who has been married 26 years and still going strong knows how to "make it work"............. and somethings you just have to "let it go" and go on.....

Later on it doesn't make any difference who was right and who was wrong............ after it's all over.

[CAB_44]

After 26 years of marriage...most great, some not so great....
The two of you saw something in each other that made you want to be together for a lifetime. Start looking for that again and build on it. It's too soon to know if this is a pattern, so give compromise a chance first. Go to your new husband, tell him you love him and want him off the couch back in the bedroom, then give him a big hug and kiss. Go halfway first to give him a chance to meet you halfway, then see what happens.

Well said lrprn~
this is true~ my musband and I have been married 27 yrs~ and it is always a rollercoaster ride~
I understand what BassBoy is saying about men though~
I had NO Idea that we "thought" so different...and "respond" different...that it would be at such extremes, but it is!
I suggest you read the book "Men Are From MArs...Women Are From Venus"...it truly opened my eyes TinRoof.....I was married YOUNG at 18, and there have been times when we BOTH wanted to give up....unfortunatly that continues to have it's up and down motion....I think it's just normal....it's just that some people leave when it is bad....and some make the choice to stick it out...always.......
I look at it this way~ if you just "quit" every thing in life that you start, without giving it a chance....then at the end of your life or one day when you are old....you look back and you have NOTHING......
There are instances where I think you are justified to "leave"...if he cheats/or beats.........well...."the SOB would have to sleep sometime"...that's a whole other thread too....won't go there LOL but like lrprn said...there had to be something there for you to get to the alter in the first place....try, try and try again~ But hey.....it's NOT worth being miserable....but give it some time....when we are young, we are stubborn, and we're set sometimes in our ways...it takes "give and take" BOTH ways~ he definately needs to hear your side...and he needs to try to give you HIS side........go from there....!!
Sorry to hear that it's already tuff for you TinRoof~ but hang in there sweetie~ surely something good is there for you to have gone to all of the trouble to GET married....something has to be there worth keeping.....
Best wishes~
CAB

[lrprn]

After 26 years of marriage...most great, some not so great....all I can say is it's really easy to get into the "I'm right!" mode and not listen very well (or at all!) to the opposing view of your spouse. If your new husband is already sleeping on the couch, I'm guessing that one or both of you feels like she/he is right about something and isn't listening and isn't compromising. If there's one thing I've learned, a good marriage is filled with many compromises! You learn to pick your battles and let the rest go. If everything little thing becomes a battle to be right, that way lies divorce (or at least a lifetime of emotional misery).

The two of you saw something in each other that made you want to be together for a lifetime. Start looking for that again and build on it. It's too soon to know if this is a pattern, so give compromise a chance first. Go to your new husband, tell him you love him and want him off the couch back in the bedroom, then give him a big hug and kiss. Go halfway first to give him a chance to meet you halfway, then see what happens.

[jane taylor]

Tin,

So sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you and your hubby. Every one of us goes into a marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other and the majority of those are unexpressed. Expectations then very quickly turn into resentments. Yes it is true that the very characteristics that attract us to our mates are the ones that drive us the craziest! (My dh is very organized, stoic, and doesn't show emotion unless a referee makes a bad call and HE DRIVES ME NUTS sometimes!!! Meanwhile I am a free spirit, love to socialize, and am great at thinking on my feet!)

You CAN work through all of this, but marriage isn't easy. The only thing any tougher is parenting which is a totally different thread. Even under the most ideal of situations (and I can't think of any off the top of my head) require newlyweds to adjust. Even good changes such as marriages are stressful.

Best wishes to you and hang in there. For me, it has been worth the effort and we've been through h#$* and back.

Peace,
jane

[BassBoy]

............Men are driven by SEX.......

Gee Minny, where did you get that idea.....ROFTLMAO!

As a man, I can tell you that were not really good at opening up and talking about our feelings. We'll bottle it up, but one day, it will eventually show it's ugly face. We are a bizarre species. We have no understanding of women at all. Hell, I don't think we understand oursleves sometimes....LOL. We have strange make up...gotta be a flaw in our genes (and I don't mean jeans....LOL!).

I have been married for 10 years now and I still have difficulty opening up to my wife and discussing my feelings. I just don't know how to. She'll ask if something is wrong, I'll say "Oh, nothing," but in all honesty, something is got me acting all goofy....just don't know how to say it. We are not normally the senastive, mushy type. We are stubborn, pig-headed and want control of EVERYTHING. So, if men and women are such different creatures.....?

Oops. Did I just open up here?

[Minnymouth]

The old saying "Women are from Venus, and Men from Mars" is basically true.......... Women are driven by LOVE AND THEIR HEARTS............Men are driven by SEX AND WORK............ everything else comes second to these.....

Men have a terrible time talking about their inner feelings.....especially to their spouses..... They can sit down and talk to a older women and spill their guts about their problems and feelings (I have men roommates)..... but they can't tell their girlfriends and wives......

I've listened to many a man tell me his problems (Momma Dee image)....... and I tell him how a woman would think about it or react.......

Sometimes feel like the local marriage counselor, lol........ but it helps them get a prespective on their problems...... often they work it out.

Men are supposed to be MACHO - so they hide their thoughts, their feelings, and most of their sensitivity about things....... But men do get sad, they do cry, and they often are troubled about things they won't discuss until someone can "get it out of them" and off their chest......

Be patient women, hopefully your spouses will be husbands, lovers, best friends, and companions, who will share everything with you..... in time!!

Minny

[JusticeForAll]

Speaking of well said

We have no understanding of women at all. Hell, I don't think we understand oursleves sometimes....LOL.

[BassBoy]

WELL SAID MINNY!

I'm sorry to hear about this tin. I truly hope that you and your new hubby are able to work this out.

As a man, I can tell you that we're not really good at opening up and talking about our feelings. We'll bottle it up, but one day, it will eventually show it's ugly face. We are a bizarre species. We have no understanding of women at all. Hell, I don't think we understand oursleves sometimes....LOL. We have strange make up...gotta be a flaw in our genes (and I don't mean jeans....LOL!).

I have been married for 10 years now and I still have difficulty opening up to my wife and discussing my feelings. I just don't know how to. She'll ask if something is wrong, I'll say "Oh, nothing," but in all honesty, something is got me acting all goofy....just don't know how to say it. We are not normally the senastive, mushy type. We are stubborn, pig-headed and want control of EVERYTHING. So, if men and women are such different creatures.....?

[JusticeForAll]

You know, this got me to thinking about hubby number one and how relieved I was to get rid of that ball and chain, and it hit me, I was MORE relieved to get divorced from him than I was to get my BK discharge

Now, that's BAD! LOL