Would you be upset if your husband did this?

[FreshLikeADaisy]

You are right, I got carried away with making such a comment. I should of used the term, alcohol abuse,,I just hope the point was made, and our young lady can cope with all of this in the midst of bankruptcy and can find some relief.

Eh, sorry, didn't realize it was a matter of what terms were used... I thought it was an issue with recognizing there's a problem. I'll shut up for now.

[Minnymouth]

Bandit,

Many, many years ago, probably almost 40........ in my young and wild days (most of us had them) I got drunk, drove, and hit a telephone pole head on. FORTUNATELY, there was an angel sitting on my shoulder and God's hand protected me. I should have died in the crash according to the damage to the vehicle. I walked away with just cuts, bruises, and almost broken neck.

That nite I knew I had no business driving, but I was bound and determine to get home. It was snowing and slick and I knew I had had too much to drink. Always before I would have someone take me home if I was afraid to drive or I rode with others.

What scared me the most was it could have been someone's car I hit and could have hurt other people.

It was a lesson well learned........ poor judgement on my part could have cost the lives of others not just my own.

Since that night I have never gotten behind the wheel of a car if I drink more than I know I can handle and usually I let someone else do the driving. We usually have a designated driver now.

Most drinking now is limited to social drinking at someone's home for a holiday party, office gathering, etc. or as like you a fine wine for dinner or a nightcap in front of the fireplace. Alcohol is not a daily part of my life but is there if I wish to parttake in a nightcap or have a glass of wine, or a cold beer after mowing.

Being a Woodstock child, I have seen and know the dangers of the drug use and where it can lead and the damage that it can do to you life and those around you.

Since that cold, winter nite I have never endangered anyone else's life by my actions. I'm thankful I hurt no-one but myself.

Also, if I know someone is drinking too much, I won't let them drive. You may party at my house, but you won't leave behind the wheel of a car. You either spend the nite or go with a designated driver. HOUSE RULES. Another house rule is NO DRUGS.....

I know people that are pot smokers, pill poppers, and heavy drug users, and heavy drinkers. That is a choice they make....... their lifestyle, not mine.

But they also know I will not stand by and allow them to endanger anyone else's life because of their actions. Drinking, drugs, abuse, or whatever.

They can't learn anything from "my lesson in life"...... but I sure can keep them from harming anyone else if their around me.

I was "lucky" to survive my teen years, a lesson well learned and never forgotten even after all these years......

[Bandit]

Minny,

We are a lot the same. I hear & feel your post. Taking a position on something & yet trying to be fair is not always an easy thing to do. Like you say, in other words, we all our had our day of being a wild child & learned things the hard way. That is also why a made a post about myself because I have not been a goody two shoe angel & I don't want people to think I am just pointing fingers at others.

I am glad there was an angel in your car and another angel at the telephone pole for you. I know you will never forget that night & thank you for sharing. Sharing a little wisdom can go a long, long way for others.

[Bandit]

It will be a cold day in hell before an un-self-diagnosed alcoholic up and *seriously* says, "I'm an alcoholic!" PRIOR to hitting rock bottom. And even then, some hit rock bottom and start to dig. That's because as long as they can drink without repercussion, their drinking really isn't a problem. The wife can leave, the kids can bleed, the house can foreclose around their ears, but their drinking isn't a problem.

Wow. You are correct with this post. I do know someone who drinks real bad & has admitted to having a problem, yet has still not started digging after hitting rock bottom. Unfortunately that is where his shovel will be, with him in his own grave.

I also lost a real close friend to it. She was so bad & tried so hard to hide it from all of us. Then one day at only 40 years old her organs gave out & something exploded inside as she left a trail of blood all over the house for us to find her dead from all the alcohol. Her name was Linda and she is gone now.

So there is just no way I can pretend & not examine, or lie about the potential and real problems of drugs & alcohol.

[Bandit]

Poor girl... so much discussion/posts in here make her so scared by now... She probably has been reading us deeply every minute... crying a river too.... but can't say much to us either...

I am not sure where it changed from the OP but it did. People are just getting their own problems & experiences of pain off their own pounding chests & I don't think we are all directing it toward just the OP any more. I am not trying to scare anyone but rather face up to it. It is not an easy thing to talk about.

I hope she & everyone realizes that.

[danaf]

to the OP

I was sad to read your post. BTDT - but minus the children. People cannot change people. You won't be able to change him.

BUT know this. Just because you rushed in and perhaps made the wrong decision for your life in marrying this man - it does not have to be permanant -you do not have to make the best of a bad situation. I have changed directions so so many times in my life because I made bad decisions which caused me to be unhappy. And I don't regret doing so.

I would highly suggest that you secretly start putting money aside little by little because one day sooner or later you will wake up and will not be able to live in your situation anymore. And unfortunately it will feel like life or death because these types of situations can and do suffocate people. (again, speaking from experience). The money you put aside will help you rent your own place should you choose to change things for yourself.

You said you are taking care of his children from a previous marriage. There is an online support group that you may benefit from called secondwivescafe. I hope the moderators won't get upset at me for this and if they do, they can modify my post. I really think you'd benefit from this site because there are many women on there in similar situations.

I wish you the best of luck and just know that you are a worthy person and deserve to have what you want and need from a partner and from life.

[Flamingo]

I've noticed that many of the responders of this thread are:

1. folks who have either been in relationships with an alcoholic
2. medical/social services who see the repercussions of alcohol
3. children of alcoholics
4. or possible alcoholics themselves - now reformed
5. folks who are socialable drinkers
6. folks who are non drinkers

Its a broad band of knowledge, suggestions, ideas, and possible solutions to someone in this situation.

This has been a good debate and I hope it has opened doors and the eyes of any reader who is in this situation or similar situations.

Anyone who has been married to an alcoholic or addict knows what is going to occur with the build up of what the original poster is describing as to the events happening in her life. It will culminate in what could be a really bad final blow up if steps are not taken now to avoid that. The main point I read in her postings was how he uses her as the excuse for what he is doing. That right there is the first major tip off of what will be a downward slide. Anyone who has been married to an alcoholic or addict or has lived with a family member like that knows exactly what I am talking about. If the physical abuse has not yet started, it will shortly. And she will be blamed for being the cause of him having to hit her. Or the children. It will not be his fault. Something made him do it. Getting away from that is hard because there are many emotions involved; you are embarrassed because you really do think if you did something differently, none of this would have occurred or you grew up in an alcoholic or abusive home and feel all that is occuring is normal or there are even actually some woman that may like the abuse or just feel trapped and don't want to do anything becuase they will be left with nothing if they leave. Unless one can find the guts to make the break no amount of postings will help. As I originally stated previously, I cannot stress how important it is to try to get to an AlAnon meeting and get some support to either get to counseling in the marriage or separate for a while to get things back on track with some professional help. Love conquers all and hopefully hubby will see how much he is cared for and try to make some changes for his benefit and for his family.

I too am done posting on this subject. I sincerely hope things work out and you can form a wonderful family unit for yourselves and your children.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

I too am done posting on this subject...

Maybe you feel you have to for the sake of the OP, and I can appreciate that, but I also want you to know that I was very moved by everything you shared (agreed 100%!) and I for one am tremendously glad you took the time and trouble to do so. Same to Bandit and everyone who shared their deep dark stuff to help out here. Your voices are those of authenticity and truth, and that's powerful. You never know but that someone really needed to hear it, and maybe it was no accident you wrote it, but a little something that will stick in someone's head and come to light again right at the moment it is most needed.

I don't necessarily say that of the original poster -- she already knows she has to re-evaluate everything she assumed about her relationship and is look at things a little differently -- but from the viewpoint of someone who has been helped by the strangest people saying the strangest things in the strangest places...

Okay, I know I sound nutty as hell now and I'm okay with that, but I'll stop now and save the rest of my nutty goodness for another time.

[DivorceRuinedMe]

Everyone,

I am so sorry that I started this heated debate about alcoholism. I just want to say that I don't think my husband is an alcoholic. The only nights he drinks are every Friday night. He never drinks at home. I guess if getting drunk one night a week is an alcoholic, then he is one but he never drinks at our house nor in my presence. I do all the grocery shopping too and I never buy alcohol and unless he's got a secret stash somewhere that I don't know about, I think that he just gets carried away at his friends house. Now granted, I've asked him not to drink as much as he does on Friday nights (due to the meds that he is on) but he claims that his doctor said it's okay and that he doesn't take his evening dose of xanax and his other anti-anxiety med on Fridays. I find it hard to believe the Dr. said its okay to mix the two but unless I call the doctor (who probably won't talk to me anyway) then I have to believe him.

Things have calmed down considerably since I told him I was going to a therapist. He asked me if he promised to not stay out that late again if I'd drop the whole therapy thing. I told him that I would think about it. After he said he wouldn't go I said well that's not going to stop me from going if I feel the need to still go. At first he was like - that's fine - you can go alone and then a little while later he kept questioning and pestering me about why I felt the need to go still since we had "resolved" things. He said that he didn't need someone else to tell him what our issues are, that we do fine by ourselves talking things out. He also said that he would have to compromise with me more if things were going to work between us. He knows that there is no way in hell that I am going to let him just make all the big decisions and concede. I basically told him that if that's what he wanted then he needed to be honest with me and just admit it. That was a dealbreaker for me.

As far as the going out on Friday nights thing, he still contests that that is normal for a married man to go out every Friday night, stay out to a friends house drinking and come home at 3am. I don't think it's anywhere near normal but then again, what do I know. That is really one of the few vices that he has. I guess he could help out around the house more. He does make sure it's picked up from the kids when I get home (I know someone mentioned that) and he does take care of his two kids as far as baths and bedtime. I've asked him to help more with the laundry (like folding and putting away his kids' clothes) and he agreed.

He's not a bad guy, he's just selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful when we argue. I guess everyone can be like that at some point. I too have fault in this whole thing - I'm not blameless I'm sure. It's just hard to see the forest for the trees when he does careless stuff like he did the other night.

Ugh - well, like I said, I'm sorry I started this debate. I appreciate everyone's help and this is a soft place for me to fall when stuff like this happens. I just really wanted to know if his behavior was normal is all. Oh and I wanted to vent too!

[Minnymouth]

DivorceRuinedMe,
Sounds like you know your man very well, and all his little "issues"..... and how he is when he gets angry, and also what all his good qualities are and why you married him.
Is is normal for a married man to go out every Friday nite......Not where I come from. Occassionally yeah, the guys get together, but not every weekend....
Queston? Are all his friends still single???
As in all new marriages.... you test each other off and on to see what the other "will allow" and what they "will put up with".... (The honeymoon is over). Once the boundaries are drawn, the limits are set, and you can see eye to eye in a new marriage things tend to quiet down.
The fact that he seems concerned that you want to go to counseling whether he goes or not may be a real eye opener to him. He may realize there is a problem and its time for talking and compromising.
I wish you and yours all the best and hope you work out your differences and the issues that are causing you problems. Sounds like you need to do a lot of talking things out.

Personally, I am glad that you started this thread......it has opened many doors to folks that maybe needed encouragement, anothers opinion, and experiences of others in the same situation as you and even worse.

Alcohol, drugs, and abuse are things that destroy marriages and families. They can turn the happiest home upside down and wreck it.

Okay, I'm THRU.....................

[robivi3]

I'm sorry div, but it sounds like both of you are miserable. Don't be sorry for saying what you said and starting a debate. We think nowadays that offending someone is bad. That thinking is wrong, In certain situations offense can be a great help. His behaviour may be normal for some but that doesn't make it right. My first step-mother was an alcoholic, BIGTIME. I remember her getting mad and repeatedly ramming a brand new little Chevy Vega with her 1969 Eldorado Cadillac. I laugh now but the guys car was ten minutes old when she did it. Not funny then. I remember the damage the luny witch did to our lives and home. Your husband is likely an alcoholic. This woman was a really wonderful person when she was not drinking, 98.5 percent of the time in other words. I mean a really good person, hard worker, kept me in the best private schools and kept a beautiful home. Alcoholic, yes, 'til the day she drowned in her car.

The education was great, her affect on my Dad and me, he never got beyond the damage, she is a world away to me. The bad times I have shooved aside and remember little else of her, not even a picture remains. That is her legacy, sad, very sad to have few memmories associated with your life.

[ssdsco]

Things have calmed down considerably since I told him I was going to a therapist. He asked me if he promised to not stay out that late again if I'd drop the whole therapy thing. I told him that I would think about it. After he said he wouldn't go I said well that's not going to stop me from going if I feel the need to still go. At first he was like - that's fine - you can go alone and then a little while later he kept questioning and pestering me about why I felt the need to go still since we had "resolved" things. He said that he didn't need someone else to tell him what our issues are, that we do fine by ourselves talking things out. He also said that he would have to compromise with me more if things were going to work between us. He knows that there is no way in hell that I am going to let him just make all the big decisions and concede. I basically told him that if that's what he wanted then he needed to be honest with me and just admit it. That was a dealbreaker for me.

You have him on the ropes. You've exerted yourself. Keep it up.

He knows he can't control a therapist as he does with you. He knows that if you follow the advice of the therapist it will wreck his world.

Go to the therapist without him although it wouldn't surprise me if suddenly decided to go. Talk to the therapist about what you both need to do to have the marriage you expected. Make a list, nice to have, deal breakers. . Meet with him at a quiet time and talk about what each of you need to do to have the marriage you

[$$only4ever]

Div,

I have been reading this entire thread. I have not commented before because I have never walked in your shoes, therefore it would not be fair to comment.

What amazes me is that you are the only one working. Why? I am sorry, but he needs to go to work and contribute to the household. It is definitely time for him to grow up and take his responsibilities like a man. There is no "I" in the word team. Then he has the b_lls to act like it is okay to party party with his little friends every Friday. Sorry, but I find that so unacceptable.

I have been married to the same man for over 37 years. He works full time, helps me with the housework and honestly, I can't remember the last time he disappeared for hours to go play with his friends.

Sorry. The man is a loser.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

I am so sorry that I started this heated debate about alcoholism...

...Don't be sorry for saying what you said and starting a debate...

Uhh... debate? Heated? (Am I missing something?)

Please forgive me if I have offended anyone... I really didn't realize we were having a controversy. Again, my apologies.

[Bandit]

Everyone,

I am so sorry that I started this heated debate about alcoholism. I just want to say that I don't think my husband is an alcoholic. The only nights he drinks are every Friday night. He never drinks at home. I guess if getting drunk one night a week is an alcoholic, then he is one but he never drinks at our house nor in my presence. I do all the grocery shopping too and I never buy alcohol and unless he's got a secret stash somewhere that I don't know about, I think that he just gets carried away at his friends house. Now granted, I've asked him not to drink as much as he does on Friday nights (due to the meds that he is on) but he claims that his doctor said it's okay and that he doesn't take his evening dose of xanax and his other anti-anxiety med on Fridays. I find it hard to believe the Dr. said its okay to mix the two but unless I call the doctor (who probably won't talk to me anyway) then I have to believe him.

I agree with that. Just because someone drinks once a week does not make them an alcoholic. On the other hand some people who go on a binge once a week are alcoholics, just a different kind. There are peer presssure alcoholics too, who wont drink unless they are coaxed into it, then you can't stop them for the evening.

I am glad you started the thread. It really took a lot off my chest on things from the past that still haunt me. Even when people here may not agree, everyone is still respectful.

I for one could not be in a relationship where my wife was going out drinking every friday night just to get drunk & party with friends. If she were in a bowling league or something like that it would be different because I know everyone does need their space.
I could not support or take my wife being wasted even once a week, me coming home from work if there is a child in the house knowing that I could not wake her up due to a bottle of booze. If there were no kids, I would have a little different opinion.

I think you have taken the right step to curve what is happening there & hope it stays on track. I think you are strong enough & wise enough to make sure it stays on track.

So what is going to happen when all the kids are in shcool for those few years at the same time?, when you wont need a babysitter as they get old enough to move about & learn on their own? Will he work again? Have you discussed all that?