Emotional Impact

[blueskin]

Greetings fellow posters. I am new to this arena. I have not declared BK yet, but consider it inevitable eventually. My business went under, and had considerable debt left over when I wasnt able to pull out. I have already gone through tremendous stress and have been able to get over most of it. After coming to the realization that it is 'real' and accepting it, it has been much easier to handle.

I've looked throughout the threads, but could not find anything regarding how people dealt with it - personally. I'm OK with it now, it's no where near as difficult as other problems I've had in my life, but I just wanted to pose a question to the members.

For those that have gone through it, or are going through it, how difficult has it been to go through the cycle, and was there light at the 'other end of the tunnel'? Was it more difficult to handle than let's say a divorce, job loss, losing a loved one, disasters (hurricane, flood, etc)?

I guess I'm just fishing for some hope, that's it's not really all as bad as one thinks.

Any posts would be much appreciated!

[One Half Full]

HI, well I am totally ranting now but...I'm about where you are. I came in here an emotional wreck, feeling that I had let down society as a whole and what the heck does that mean? Then I read a lot of people telling me that it was probably the best thing I could do. It took a while, but I decided not only to go BK, but to foreclose on the house and get the hell out of Dodge, and get my master's degree and live life the way I had planned and not as the slave to a work place that has paied me so little that I could not even Burry my mother and father when they died, or ever ever take a vacation to visit any family member, or basically do anything for myself, no money to go to school to better my situation, just debt servitude. (This year from November to Jan 28th I could not afford heat in the house, nor water for a short period, and I work full time for a supposedly award winning company!) I realized, as the bitterness sort of surfaced and came to a boil that my life would be totally changed. It would be scary. It would be as though I was 18 or 21, getting my first place. I would have to learn new habits, and my brain, so locked in this rut, would have to start working again! I will have to start over. I will never have money for retirement at least in the conventional sense. Some people seem to feel I should be humiliated because I am "running away" from my debts. My Father lived a miserable life, in a place he hated, doing a job he hated because he felt that walking out on a bad situation was "cowardly." His perception of the world was that he "mattered" and that everyone was "watching him," or something when in fact, no one really cares what you do. He was perfectly free to do what he wanted, and so am I. I didn't realize that. I am sort of glad now that it is true.

I am past Humiliation. Humiliation was not being able to go to a movie because I could not afford 8 or 10 dollars for entertainment, or go to a restaurant with friends because I "might" spend 20 dollars. Humiliation is not being able to buy shoes or decent clothing because I am too stubborn to call it quits. For the past 10 years, I have net been able to participate fully in life, or live in "My own time." It is not the business fault. They pay people as though they are all two income families. It sort of forces marriage (this is the bible belt). Some people act as though living in a house is the be all-end all of living on earth. I think the ability to be free, to be able to move from place to place is the real American Dream, not being trapped in a money pit of a house in the suburbs.

I think, in the end, it will be the best decision I could have made.

[MomIcantFindmy]

Welcome Blueskin! Let me say that you are far from alone here. Once we decided that the best thing to do was file and started reading everything we could about it we came to sort of epiphany that our life was wonderful. We have a military retirement that ensures we can have a roof over our heads and food on the table. Our children are wonderful as is our family. We haved the warmth and love from them. We slowly (and I mean slowly) came to realize what truly matters in this world. Sometimes my husband and I laugh as we ride our bicycles together through the beautiful neighborhoods with the nice cars and expensive lawn furniture on the back porch. There is NO WAY that this many people in our town that can afford to live like that. I will take happiness and contentment over "things" anyday! Welcome to the forum, hopefully you will find comfort here.

[Flamingo]

Welcome. I considered our filing of Chapter 13 a life event. We never expected to be in a situation like that and it was hard for us to accept that we declined to such a point that we found ourselves struggling to survive and not to file. Our decline started with my husband's major job loss. 70% of our income was lost with that layoff. He could not recover with a decent job and was only able to find clerk work at convenience stores and nothing full time. It was his line of work - the tech bust hit him bad. He went from almost $100,000 a year to making $15,000 a year as a clerk. That was 2001; in 2007 he made on $24,000 but we have totally adjusted after it all and I carry the main job and provide the benefits and he has just now found full time work. He is going to apply shortly for a higher paying position that is not yet posted. But if he does not get it we are OK since we did well through the BK and learned to adjust and budget incredibly during the past several years.

The emotions are hard at first and, as you state, you learn to accept the situation and get out of denial. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying not to file but I knew with out loss of income and our inability to pay our debts after a while, we had no other choice. We, thankfully, were not late with any bills but started robbing Peter to pay Paul for several months before approach an attorney recommended to us. Once we retained the attorney, filled out the paperwork and filed, a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders. But that was just the beginning; we knew it would take years to recover and we had to change our lifestle and habits and learn to do without a lot of things as to not get in that position again in case of another job loss.

It is a life event you get through and more than likely something you must do in order to be able to get out of the mess you are in at the moment and start anew.

Best of luck to you and you will find all sorts of support on this forum - just ask!

[FLBK7]

Hi Blueskin! I'm 4 years post-discharge from a chapter 7 BK, but I'll never forget the incredible emotional rollercoaster I went through before filing and through the BK process itself. The way I was brought up, and the culture I grew up and lived in through adulthood, bankruptcy was possibly the very worst thing anyone could do.

But then I lost a job I once thought I would retire from, thanks to a corporate merger/consolidation. My marriage crumbled and I got divorced. I had a difficult time finding decent employment, and worked two minimum-wage jobs while looking. You guessed it: The bills piled up, credit cards went unpaid, my mental health was in the gutter, and yet I STILL refused to consider BK because of the stigma I associated with it. In retrospect, I was so stupid that I even cashed in my 401K to pay creditors, firmly believing that I would regain control of my life soon. Well, it took a lawsuit from a credit card company to send me running to a BK lawyer. I had never been sued for anything before. The lawyer immediately made me realize that BK was the only way to go, and made me realize that even if I lived to be 130 years old, I could never pay off the debt I had accumulated. Even though by then I had found a good job, BK was still the only way out of the hole for me. Deciding to file was the hardest decision. The process itself was difficult to deal with, emotionally. But slowly but surely, logic overcame emotions and I realized that indeed, I had done the right thing for me.

Recovery was not too difficult, because I had a plan. I didn't file BK due to frivolous spending habits, but rather due to major life changes such as the loss of a long-held job plus a divorce. I set out to clean up my credit reports and rebuild my credit. Four years later, I own a great older vehicle that I purchased in cash, I bought a nice 2-bedroom 2-bath condo apartment with a 6.3% fixed rate for 30 years, have an emergency fund in savings, and am contributing regularly to a retirement plan. I have credit cards with a combined limit of $23,000, and as of today I owe less than $100 to one. I don't live luxuriously but I live well. And I'm very happy to be free of the burden I had carried for so many years.

The first step is always the hardest one, and this is particularly true when it comes to bankruptcy. Please know you are not alone. And keep telling yourself that provided you adhere to financial discipline, in the end, everything will be okay for you and your family. Best of luck to you.

[HeatherB]

For those that have gone through it, or are going through it, how difficult has it been to go through the cycle, and was there light at the 'other end of the tunnel'? Was it more difficult to handle than let's say a divorce, job loss, losing a loved one, disasters (hurricane, flood, etc)?

It was difficult in the aspect of "I don't know what to expect" and "Now what the Hell am I going to do?"

While my mother's death was harder emotionally on my heart, the bankruptcy was harder on my mind. Both caused me to cry... over several months (and still sometimes today) However, I can always make more money, clean up my credit reports, become in excellent shape financially.....I will never get my mother back. You can recover from a bankruptcy and it could - later down the line- be like there never was a bankruptcy. You can't do that with life. Once it's gone, it's gone. No fixing.

That light at the end of the tunnel is only as bright as you make it. If you are financially strapped and choose not to try to make it better, the light will always be at the end of the tunnel. You just have to put yourself where you want to be. Sometimes that comes with immediate sacrifice.

Let's say you don't make much money, you file, barely make enough to support yourself. Unless you do something, the light will always be at the end of your tunnel. However, if you get a second job, save up for school, take classes, then find a better job, the light will come closer. This may take a lot of time and money, but it is the only way to get that light closer to you.

(Am I rambling again??? Hmmm.....)

[$$only4ever]

Welcome to the forum, Blueskin. Just like others have said, it is hard to finally have to admit defeat and file bankruptcy. We originally filed Chapter 7, but the UST said we had to go the Chapter 13 route. The year 2005 was an emotional nightmare, but now I can tell you that it was the best decision that we ever made. We would have never gotten out from under the debt we had. Even though I have 27 more months to go, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. So far I have been pretty lucky. No problems making the trustee payment, and when my plan is completed I will be completely debt-free. So even though, my plan was for 60 months, when I am discharged, it will truly be a fresh start. Also, this forum is so supportive. Everyone including the moderators are great. Good Luck.

[Bandit]

I wont lie & say it is easy because it is not easy at first. At first it is bad...really really head pounding, vomit throbbing bad...it hurts & is a hard row to hoe...but the longer you stay here & face it head on, the pain goes away & you start to become free & happy again.

[Minnymouth]

As I tell all new members to the forum....... filing bankruptcy is a "business decision"..........

You do what you have to do to survive in this world and to keep your family intact.

Our forefathers understood this when they wrote "bankruptcy" into law. Things happen to good people that they can't control and job loss/sickness/divorce destroy their lives that they can never recoup from without help. Also people often over extend themselves without realizing it and the end result is devasating.

I too was taught that your "worthless" if you have to file bankruptcy.... I fought it for 4 years until my health failed from working two jobs+ trying to get things back on track.

Now when I look back, It was the BEST THING I EVER DID and should have done sooner....

So suck up your Pride, get your heart off your sleeve, and put away the crying towels...... this is strictly a business decision!!!

When it's all over you will realize just how "painless" it really is.... and there is a light at the end of the tunnel..... a new beginning!!
A chance to start over, and make better decisions, have a better life......