Spouse driving me nuts financially

[TomTea31]

Be warned this is a major rant LOL

My spouse is driving me freaking nuts with his need to send money to family members for, in my opinion, frivolous needs.

So here's the deal. My spouse is from a different country than me and we are constantly butting heads on cultural issues. I was born in the US and he in Mexico. We have sent money in the past to his family to help with medical or basic needs. We've also sent money to help his 80 yr old grandmother get a roof on her house. Those things are perfectly acceptable to me.

BUT now his family calls whenever they need/want money. Recently his aunt called asking for $300 to pay a student fee for his nephew to go to college. IMO, if she can't afford the fee then how will she afford the tuition and are we going to end up paying his entire way through college? If so, that's not going to fly because I have 60K in my own student debt plus 2 kids to put through college in a few years.

And now he tells me his good friend here in the states wants us to be god parents aka cash cows to their youngest child. And then he informs me that this will cost us at least 1k! But not to worry because it won't be due until 7 or 8 months from now, WTF?

We're not even financially well off either. I just recently started working and will be bumped up to a measly $12/hr in April. He's making like $10/hr. We don't own anything of value. We have 2 kids to support. We CAN"T afford to be a charity. I know that sounds mean but we don't have the financial means to do it. BUT he don't get it. He thinks I'm being selfish and inconsiderate because we live in the US so we should be able to give his family money whenever they ask. As for his friend here in the states, well we borrowed money from him a few times "that we paid back!", so we need to be cash cows now to repay the favor?

End rant...

[SweetGeorgia]

You have my sympathies! The money is a drain, but more importantly his attitude (prioritizing you and the kids behind other people) is really corrosive to a relationship. I've seen this happen in my own family.

I don't think there's an easy solution, but what would you think about just "budgeting in" the family donations as if it was a regular expense? Maybe put aside $25 or $50 a month. Because these requests will keep coming, and he will want to help. I think you would feel better if the money he sent was already earmarked for that purpose, and if he was limited to sending what he had saved specifically for them. I have NO idea if you could get him to agree, though!

I wish you the best of luck! I have a whole notebook of rants that sound much less rational and reasonable than yours. ((hugs))

[helpmeout]

First of all, being a god parent does not cost money at all. The godparents of either of my kids did not give us a $1K gift or pay anything. Nor were they expected to.

Second, you need to separate your finances. Your money goes into an account that he can't touch. Then split the bills, you take the necessities such as rent and utilities, he takes the bills that you can live without if the services get turned off. If he balks, just tell him that his giving away money without your consent led to this. Oh, and buy only foods that you and the kids like, if he wants other food, he will have to pay to get it. Same goes for his clothes.

And if you have any joint savings accounts or savings accounts in the kids' name, move the money to where he can't get to it. He sounds like the type of person who will take money from those accounts to give to other people.

Oh, and you really might want to consider marital counseling.

[Pandora]

Tell hubby you filed BK for a reason - you're broke, period. YOUR children come first and foremost... anyone else (family or friend) isnt important.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it sounds like your husband is in denial about your true financial situation.

[GoingDown]

This sounds abusive to me.

I would put my foot down on this issue, and tell him that from now on, neither one of you will give any money to anyone for any reason.

[TomTea31]

First of all, being a god parent does not cost money at all. The godparents of either of my kids did not give us a $1K gift or pay anything. Nor were they expected to.

It does when there's a costly party involved...

Second, you need to separate your finances. Your money goes into an account that he can't touch. Then split the bills, you take the necessities such as rent and utilities, he takes the bills that you can live without if the services get turned off. If he balks, just tell him that his giving away money without your consent led to this. Oh, and buy only foods that you and the kids like, if he wants other food, he will have to pay to get it. Same goes for his clothes.

How is that going to solve anything?

And if you have any joint savings accounts or savings accounts in the kids' name, move the money to where he can't get to it. He sounds like the type of person who will take money from those accounts to give to other people.

Oh, and you really might want to consider marital counseling.

and why's that?

[TomTea31]

This sounds abusive to me.

I would put my foot down on this issue, and tell him that from now on, neither one of you will give any money to anyone for any reason.

We haven't sent money/lent money to anyone due to the bankruptcy, so there's no abuse of the system happening. He knows we can't give money right now. He understands that. He's just constantly asking if it's ok if he sends money to his family. There's some guilt I think with the fact we live better than his family in Mexico.

I don't understand the godparent thing and why we're supposed to give money. apparently, there's going to be a party and everyone is expected to help out but godparents fork over a larger amount?

[keepsmiling]

YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
This may be a purely cultural thing, or there may be other issues going on. That's why someone suggested marital counseling. Which, under the circumstances- bk is stressful, no?- might not be a bad idea.
Just say NO. The more you say YES, the more they will expect.
Perhaps in Mexico godparents pay for the party. Not here.

You are BANKRUPT. That means you don't have a lot of extra cash floating around to pay for other people's parties!
I really wish you good luck. Both spouses need to be looking in the same direction to make this work.

[helpmeout]

and why's that?

So what if there's a costly party involved, that's the responsibility of the parents, not the god parents. I had a costly party for both of my kids. The god parents weren't expected to pay one dime for the party.

Well, you will know that at least the basics are being paid and aren't left to the whim of someone who likes to give money away.

As for marital counseling, this is clearly an issue and he clearly is going to continue giving money away and clearly isn't listening to you (calling you selfish is a very good example of that). A third party may be able to help the two of you work this out.

[TomTea31]

So what if there's a costly party involved, that's the responsibility of the parents, not the god parents. I had a costly party for both of my kids. The god parents weren't expected to pay one dime for the party.

Well, you will know that at least the basics are being paid and aren't left to the whim of someone who likes to give money away.

Ok, so I think maybe my post wasn't worded right. He doesn't just hand money over without talking to me about it. If I don't agree he won't go behind my back and do it. He's not a happy camper but he don't go behind my back.

As for marital counseling, this is clearly an issue and he clearly is going to continue giving money away and clearly isn't listening to you (calling you selfish is a very good example of that). A third party may be able to help the two of you work this out.

HE didn't call me selfish. I was saying I feel selfish because I'm always saying no. His family lives in deep poverty over there so we try to help when we can, but the last several years have been very difficult for us because I was in school full time and not working.

but the godparent thing makes no sense to me. So apparently it's not a small child. The money is going towards a huge part called a quinceanera which is kind of like a sweet 16 for us but it's done at 15 for them. I don't quite get why they are picking godparents for a girl turning 15?

[SweetGeorgia]

I was just checking in to see whether you had been able to resolve anything - I hope it's gotten a little better! The quinceanera party is a big, big deal. It's like a religious debutante ball, and people spend So.Much.Money on them. Much more than they did when I was a kid (and that goes for weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.)

Being asked to be a godparent is an honor, but you're also a "sponsor." There can be several godparents. You could be obligated for more than the $1K for the party - I think what you are up against is (1) your husband's ignorance, and (2) his pride.

Your husband, not having been a teenage girl, probably has no idea how much the quinceanera costs. My husband has no idea how much weddings cost, because he's never planned or paid for one. And of course, I bet your husband does not want to tell his friend that he can't afford it. He has his own pride, but I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt their feelings by rejecting the honor.

I think honesty is the best policy. He has to tell them the truth. Or else the money will come between THEM the way it already has between the two of you. That's not really friendship, is it?

Good luck!