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Dealing With Spouses Anger.

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  • Dealing With Spouses Anger.

    I've searched on here for this subject and am surprised there's no content!
    When a couple is faced with bankruptcy, there are horrid feelings that boil to the surface.
    Why do I have to deal with this! You're the one who did it!
    Why should I be included in YOUR debts???!!!
    If it weren't for YOU, we wouldn't be looking at bankruptcy!!!

    The fact is, especially with married couples, the blame game can destroy a relationship.
    I wish there were somewhere to go, to help with managing this.
    My wife is really starting to hate me, because, in her mind, I did this to us!
    She's becoming very hateful over everything. In her mind, it's 100% my fault!
    The problem is, she has some of the blame but refuses to talk to me about it...
    I became disabled in 2006. She went back to school in 2015, so while she was going to school, 80 miles away, I had to take out several credit cards to get us through the year she was in school.
    The cards were used to take her to and from the school, and to cover my prescriptions until she graduated and went to work.
    I kept the house together, and she went to work after graduation.
    Problem was, she didn't make that much. And after 2 years she had to quit because of health issues and a very hostile work environment.

    The ONLY way I can see to protect our only 2 assets, Car and House, is to file for chapter13.
    I'm disabled and make $1,600 a month, period.
    Now she brings nothing into the house, a big ZERO, goose egg, nada, nothing...
    But she feels like I'm the one to blame for all our financial problems, because ALL the credit card debt is in my name.
    I've tried talking to her, but she's getting worse.
    I don't know how to get her to understand that I did what I had to do to keep our lives afloat during her schooling.
    She's not even thinking about getting another job, but is becoming VERY resentful over what's getting ready to happen.
    I keep trying to comfort her, that once the chapter 13 is in place, we'll be OK.
    All she sees is the monthly payment, and that we'll be in this for 3~5 years.
    I told her that in order to file a chapter 7, we'd have to sell the house and car in order to pay the $21k debt.
    She doesn't want to be homeless, and nither do I.
    I've weighed all the options, and while I could just walk away from the credit card debts, it's not going to fix anything.

    I want a clean start, and chapter 13 is the most logical answer. Some say that debt consolidation, or going to one of these "Dial 1-800-Debt-Free" services in the answer, I seriously doubt it.
    I've talked to people who have done that, and their credit is even WORSE!
    I can't afford counselling, and I've done what I can to help her understand what's going on.
    Just wanted to let everyone know who's going through this, you're not alone...

  • #2
    There are some threads but they are buried in their titles. There are many cases with ex-spouses, ex-lovers, and even ex-business partners squabbling and causing trouble.

    As we will always continue to say, bankruptcy is the only way to 100% guarantee that at discharge you will have nearly $0 in debt, no more collections, protection from the court on harassment (while collecting a discharged debt), no IRS 1099-C taxes from settlements, and the phone stops ringing.

    Relationships are tough in bankruptcy. We always say that divorce follows bankruptcy, or vice versa, in the majority of cases. Financial issues are always a strain on relationships and why relationship failure is higher around the holidays (due to financial stressors).
    Chapter 7 (No Asset/Non-Consumer) Filed (Pro Se) 7/08 (converted from Chapter 13 - 2/10)
    Status: (Auto) Discharged and Closed! 5/10
    Visit My BKForum Blog: justbroke's Blog


    I am not an attorney. Any advice provided is not legal advice.

    Comment


    • #3
      I will say this has been the most difficult time in my 15 year marriage. Ours was a rental home investment. I didn't want to do it, I went along with it because we were going to buy more homes and I was going to be able to quit my job, and we were going to use the money to help fund our 3 kids college education. Needless to say after 4 years and more money than I can say out loud it went south very badly. We really should have filed much sooner than we did, but we were trying to make it work. I have been very angry with my husband and myself, I know he feels horrible and never would have been able to see how this would turn out. It's frustrating but I love him and I am trying to make this work, some days are easier than others, I just want to be able to feel in control again. We are only 3 months in and still fine tuning the budget.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by mrich1974 View Post
        We are only 3 months in and still fine tuning the budget.
        I completely understand your dilemma.
        Thank God we're just dealing with simple credit card debt, and not rental property.
        Being a landlord can be very frustrating, especially if just one of your renters becomes a problem.
        Back when I was a teen, I worked summers helping a contractor who fixed up rentals. The things bad renters can do to a place before leaving can destroy a landlord financially.
        I'd say that 3 months in, the adjustments can be very daunting.
        I'm not in it yet, but I can see the stress it's putting on my wife. It's VERY stressful, and she's afraid I'm going to leave her. All I can do is continue to comfort her and keep reasurring her that everything will be OK.
        Now if this was 40 years ago, we would lose everything, In fact, if you go back to the olde tymes, they had debtors prison!
        So thank God we're here now, and not in the good ole' days... LOL!
        I guess one of the points I'm trying to make is, keep your humor, it'll get Y'all through it!
        The hardest thing to remember is, there really is light at the end of this tunnel!

        Now go hug your husband, and let him know you aren't leaving your best friend!


        Comment


        • #5
          One thing that keeps coming to mind as I read this thread is my sister's bankruptcy years ago. She always said, if her business had thrived and she had stayed in good health, her husband would have had NO problem spending the money she'd earned, had it been profitable. But since it went badly, she felt the full weight of responsibility.

          We all make these decisions together, and we do the best we can with the picture we have at that time. Whether we are actively involved in the spending or passively letting it happen, I believe we are equally responsible for the outcome. This is why looking toward the future (that we cannot see) and communicating with one another is so important. I think that's what many of us were lacking, and why we are here today. Bankruptcy should be an eye-opener in so many areas, in so many ways. Maybe that is a large part of why jb says so many end up in divorce afterwards: People realize they were trying to make themselves "happy" in a situation they simply can't be happy in.

          My sister and her husband have stayed together and she said after bk their marriage was stronger than ever. I hope to be able to say the same. Things are looking good so far. I guess time will tell.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks! @justbroke

            The stories I'm reading on this forum really breaks my heart!
            I'm trying to be proactive, so as of right now, I'm at 100% on time payments.
            Some look down on people behind on payments, but what's happening is, they don't want to admit that they've dug a hole that'll never be filed.
            What's really sad is all the unnecessary grief they're causing themselves, as well as their spouses, by waiting so long to seek help.
            There is no shame in bankruptcy, unless you're trying to defraud.
            I never intended to leave my creditors hanging, but life happens, and chapter 13 is a way for you to breathe again, and the creditors to get paid back.
            Just like the guilt I've felt since becoming disabled. I never intended to become disabled, but it happened.
            100% of decent people never intended for this to happen, that's why there is chapter 13.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Chrysalis View Post
              My sister and her husband have stayed together and she said after bk their marriage was stronger than ever. I hope to be able to say the same. Things are looking good so far. I guess time will tell.
              Awesome words of wisdom!
              It's like what I've told my wife, I'm not going anywhere, and we will get through this!
              I also reminded her of the times she was in the hospital, that I was there for her.
              And the times I was in the hospital, and she stayed by my side.
              And when I say in the hospital, I mean in the hospital!
              First was my back injury and subsequent surgeries.
              Her stays from horrid high blood pressure. The there was the week I spent in the hospital from sepsis that had settled in my liver. Then having to go to the hospital every day for 6 weeks for IV antibiotic infusions.Then heart attack #1 that required triple bypass surgery and a week stay in the hospital. Then, heart attack #2, that kept me in the hospital for 3 days, and a stint that had to be placed in one of the bypasses that had collapsed.
              I tell her that after all that, chapter 13 will be a walk in the park.
              Life happens to everyone. It's how we deal with it that either makes us, or breaks us...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Chrysalis View Post
                My sister and her husband have stayed together and she said after bk their marriage was stronger than ever. I hope to be able to say the same. Things are looking good so far. I guess time will tell.
                As we remove the stressors from our lives, marriages, will grow stronger because that underlying stressor is removed. Financial stressors wreak havoc on a marriage and I think that they are only second to trust. Both can be dealt with successfully.

                Chapter 7 (No Asset/Non-Consumer) Filed (Pro Se) 7/08 (converted from Chapter 13 - 2/10)
                Status: (Auto) Discharged and Closed! 5/10
                Visit My BKForum Blog: justbroke's Blog


                I am not an attorney. Any advice provided is not legal advice.

                Comment


                • #9
                  i don't understand how she can go to school 80 miles away knowing you guys didn't have the income to support it. she really needs to get her head OUT of the sand! very sorry you are going through this alone..she should be there to support you, the way you supported her decisions. Decisions that failed. your chap 13 has an end in sight and you will be successful. hang in there. she may never come to terms with it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I will say for me the hardest part has been realizing the life we had is gone, 750 credit score, the freedom to buy what we wanted within reason, we have always been responsible credit cards users if we couldn't afford it we didn't buy it, before the lawyer told us to stop we never made a payment late. We dumped our life savings into that house and it's all gone, I'm still mourning all the losses. I have very strong emotional ties to money, I grew up very poor, so to me good credit and a nest egg were the goals. I cried every time we were in the lawyers office and each time he told me being broke was better than cancer, so to try to keep it in perspective. I am trying to see this as an opportunity to start over but being able to save as much as I want to is virtually impossible and I obsess about money 24/7.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      mrich1974 we also have rental property that dragged us down. In fact, the reason for the chap 13 I filed was I took out a loan from a predatory company to keep the rental property and pay bills when we had a dead beat tenant who stayed for 6 months without paying rent. I had to pay 2 mortgages (ours and the rental properties) during this time and we were just never able to recover. This was 2 years ago but our finances steadily went down after that time. We will sell the house in the Spring as it finally has some equity. But if I had to do it all over again I would never have purchased that property.

                      KYRanger this is a good topic. My husband and I haven't fought at all. In fact, he has been my rock as when we first filed I cried 24/7. Woke up with nightmares and was so depressed. We have never not paid a bill always had good credit etc. So the thought of filing BK was terrifying. But as always things could be much worse. I try and remember that we are healthy, kids are healthy and pretty soon we will have a whole new clean slate to start off with.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        lisa9519 I so feel your pain. I would never recommend being a landlord to my worst enemy. Some of the stories I could tell I just can't make up. We had our rental house on the market for a year, holding out hope it would sell even at a loss and it never happened. Having to let it go after all the blood sweat and tears and money just makes me sad, we had so many dreams wrapped up in it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by KYRanger View Post
                          I've searched on here for this subject and am surprised there's no content!
                          When a couple is faced with bankruptcy, there are horrid feelings that boil to the surface.
                          Why do I have to deal with this! You're the one who did it!
                          Why should I be included in YOUR debts???!!!
                          If it weren't for YOU, we wouldn't be looking at bankruptcy!!!
                          What are her reasons for being angry about filing or not wanting to file BK? Or does she want to do a 7 and not a 13 just to get rid of the debt, but lose the house/car?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by switch625 View Post

                            What are her reasons for being angry about filing or not wanting to file BK? Or does she want to do a 7 and not a 13 just to get rid of the debt, but lose the house/car?
                            Yes... Things have calmed down ALLOT since the other day.
                            She was angry because I told her it was OK to quit her job, but we would have to file for bankruptcy.
                            She got angry because of what I said, then got defensive that back when I took the LTD settlement she'd have to start working for us to make ends meet.
                            She was in deep denial over it, and wanted to blaim me for it all and that I never said anything about her getting a job.
                            I asked her; "If I didn't tell you, why did you get a job?"
                            I know it was shock, and I really bit my tongue and was being supportive of her.
                            Since the initial shock wore off, she'd doing ALLOT better now.
                            Her biggest fear was losing the house/car. I told her that a chapter 13 was the ONLY rout, that in a chapter 7 we wouldn't lose the house, but we would definetly lose the car, because it's paid off and worth over $24k.
                            The only reason we own the house and car outright is because I took part of the settlement and paid them both off.
                            And to answer the question you're thinking, the house is only worth $65k.
                            It's only 2 bedrooms and one bath. I purchased it in preparation for being disabled. It's small and cheap to heat and cool. I also replaced all the windows because they were old and basically worthless as far as insulation.
                            Long story short, (Too late) Everything has calmed down and now it's just the waiting for the lawyer to file...

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by puppiesrock View Post
                              i don't understand how she can go to school 80 miles away knowing you guys didn't have the income to support it. she really needs to get her head OUT of the sand! very sorry you are going through this alone..she should be there to support you, the way you supported her decisions. Decisions that failed. your chap 13 has an end in sight and you will be successful. hang in there. she may never come to terms with it.
                              Thanks for the supportive words.
                              I never meant to paint my wife as a hateful person. I was supportive of her, because I love her, and am very proud for what she's done.
                              The place she worked has a very hateful atmosphere since a new manager took over 6 months ago. She did her best, but it was affecting her health.
                              That's why I told her to quit, and that we'd be OK, after the bankruptcy.
                              It just freaked her out, but since then she's calmed down ALLOT. She was scared to death we're going to be homeless.
                              Since talking to an attorney, and her doing some research, she understands that we'll be OK.
                              Now it's just the stress of the waiting game...
                              Once the filing and court meetings, we'll both be able to sleep again.

                              Comment


                              • puppiesrock
                                puppiesrock commented
                                Editing a comment
                                Mine wasn't on board. And the debt stressed him out in an outward expressive way - whereas i was pensive about it - stressed nonetheless - but pensive. Now that we have gone through this process - we can see the other side. She will come around. He is so happy that we did.

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