Told my wife

[Pandora]

Just catching up on the weekends posts and saw this one.

To the OP: Please know that we are here to listen, as are the many outreach programs available free of charge. Your wife will "get over" all of this....trust me - and remember that family is more important than debts owed; BK is not the end of the world and you need to know that.

Hang in there... it will get better!

[AngelinaCatHub]

I was the wife in your scenario, Blackgoose. I was furious at my husband for putting us in such dire financial circumstances, and for keeping it from me for so long. I could have helped, and curbed much spending if I had known the truth of what was going on. That was more than 3 years ago & although it has not been an easy journey, we are now less than a month from the 60 day mark. The end is in sight and our relationship is in tact.

As everyone else said, once I got my head around it, was able to think logically and get over the initial panic, I decided the only thing to do was to close ranks and face it together. Give her a little time, but absolutely don't give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel and your wife needs to know that too.

Great you are sharing your side of his dilemma. May I ask: Did you note that the monies enhanced your over all household? If the monies were used to gamble or 'play around' I could see some real problems. However if he just (both him and your DH) attempted to live higher than he could realize that he could not sustain, until it went out of control, that is a very human error.

Our foolishness was being sucked into a pizzing match with another millionaire who bled us into serial law suits and three law firms and four lawyers. It could have been stopped if I "licked his boots", but for nine years we prevailed. Lost our fortune, but have to agree with a comment above, it is only money and trust me when I say, we are happier now than when we had money to burn. A whole different value system was generated. I don't believe I would have changed a thing, now, looking back. 'Hub

[Justdonewit]

I was the wife in your scenario, Blackgoose. I was furious at my husband for putting us in such dire financial circumstances, and for keeping it from me for so long. I could have helped, and curbed much spending if I had known the truth of what was going on. That was more than 3 years ago & although it has not been an easy journey, we are now less than a month from the 60 day mark. The end is in sight and our relationship is in tact.

As everyone else said, once I got my head around it, was able to think logically and get over the initial panic, I decided the only thing to do was to close ranks and face it together. Give her a little time, but absolutely don't give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel and your wife needs to know that too.

[AngelinaCatHub]

I hope "our guy" has gotten a little bit of sleep. Sleep is a great healer. He needs to take a sick day as if he shows for work, his break down will be noticed. The best is as IAO said, return to the house. Sit down with DW and declare the decision to bk as a Victory. It is a business decision and as he said, (my words now) "Honey, I did not wish to worry you as I always thought I could catch up. After all, the debt went to the household and not to toys. We now will have to simplify our life styles". (My words only but I would use them if I were in a wifely "situation". ).

Mrs. and I send a small prayer to our friend.

BTW, he cannot turn on his PM's until he has posted long enough. It is part of LAZ's spam security. There is other safeguards but I haven't noticed all of them. The spam has gone down though. 'Hub

[IamOld]

Blackgoose I know what you're going through - for one thing, your wife had to have had an inkling and she herself buried it. Yes, trust, once gone, is hard to get back, but it will come back...it will take time (believe me I know).

But my friend GO HOME...DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS, YOUR WIFE, YOUR HOUSE, because then I can guarantee you she may think that you've left.

GO HOME - talk this out - your family needs you.

Look, I totally think I screwed up my life and that of my family, but you know what - we've all screwed up. You did what you thought was best with the cards you've been dealt.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go home - GO HOME...and be home. If need be you and the wife need to take a day off when kids are in school (remember them too!!!!) and talk this out at least to the point where you guys can talk. Show her the forum...show her the fact that this economy is destroying people.

Above all...GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

[frogger]

You just made a big step in the direction of healing your relationship with your family. Congratulations for that.

The rest of it?

It's only money and that's not what life is about.......

Go home and love.

[AbbeyA]

I wanted to say I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. I'm truly sorry, I can tell in the words you type how much you are hurting. I hope the helpline is able to offer you some comfort tonight. If you need to, take it minute by minute, hour by hour. You will get through this, whatever the outcome, as long as you keep "treading water" for now. It is going to take some time, but eventually you will have a day when it does not consume you. You are bigger than all of this and deserve much more than the terrible feelings you are having right now.

Your bk forum friends are here to listen. Please let us know how you are doing in the morning.

[APL]

I would like to talk to someone tonight. I don't have any family so is there a hotline or group you would suggest?

Hi Black, your PM ability is disabled, you may want to turn it on so other members of the forum can reach you.

ETA: There is also a websie called talkaboutmarriage.com, which has many subforums for various challenges and one of them is Money & Finance. The rebuilding trust areas may be of help to you as well.

[Blackgoose]

Thank you

[IHateChase]

it says suicide but there are also crisis lines for talking:http://suicidehotlines.com/utah.html

[Blackgoose]

I would like to talk to someone tonight. I don't have any family so is there a hotline or group you would suggest?

[Blackgoose]

Thank you guys. I am grateful for each of your comments and feedback.

[AngelinaCatHub]

She told me she would never be able to trust me again. You guys I'm sorry but right now I don't even want to type. I'm in a hotel room. Away from my kids and my wife. I just wish the tears could wash away a little bit of the pain and heartache I'm feeling. I just want it to go away. Heartbroken!!

My friend: You are not the first to say the words you have. By the fact that you became "A MAN" and 'fessed up, your wife will eventually understand. On the other hand, if there are unknown reasons she would "flake out" you gave an excuse for her to do "whatever". That would have come anyway. Ignoring that possibility, she will settle down.

Eventually, things will settle down. You "broke the ice" and it HAD to be done. Do you possibly think this would not come out? Would a funeral be better when you drop dead at 27?

Your wife is not going to abandon her family. She is hurt of course. In my opinion, a SHORT apology would accompany the fact that it was time for you to "FACE THE FACT" that you have made debt not only for you but for her and your family. You are NOT the only one who have lived beyond your means. WE ALL HAVE. It's called bankruptcy.

The adult thing now is to face it, face her, and face your responsibilities. Cry of course. We and I have cried many times over our/my mistakes in life. I am in a second marriage. This says a lot after 23 years with my childhood bride. Both my children by her told me I should have left ten years before. I have a wonderful wife now and this is our 23rd year.

Mistakes are part of learning. Welcome them. What won't kill you, makes you strong. You are a strong man. You took our advice, yet it was your OWN decision and a wise one. You know it would come out worse from a lawyers lips.

Your wife will get over this. She will. Do NOT over apologize, you did the right thing. 'Hub

[daylate]

Don't let this become something bigger than it is. Hopefully once the shock wears off your wife will be able to sit down and talk about it. In the end, money means nothing so don't let messing up your finances become a reason for a life of despair. We have all been there to some extent and to a person we'll all say at the end of the process bankruptcy was the right thing to do. If you start to feel overwhelmed and depressed go find some one to talk to. A minister, a good friend, a counselor, some one. Don't try and go this alone. This forum is full of people who are willing to help and offer support but if you need something more go for help. Please.

[IHateChase]

Hang in there friend. Keep posting and don't do anything rash. Lots of caring people here to help you get thru this.