Told my wife

[kjrmom911]

BG- Just caught this thread...there is not much I can add to what others have already said. Bankruptcy itself is a HUGE stressor. I'm not sure what your marriage was like before you told your wife about the bankruptcy, but like it or not, she has some responsibility in this. I hope she realizes this and at least gives you a chance to talk about it. Your marriage deserves at least that. Maybe try to meet in a neutral place and tell her how you are feeling. Be prepared for some rough times ahead either way. It has been a tough road for my hubby and I. I had to have some help to get through all the anxiety, but I am in a much better place now. Bankruptcy is NOT the end of the world. I will keep you in my prayers.

[donnao]

I told my Dad, felt like "dead man walking" and he was soooooooo great about it! He told me he was proud of me for admitting to my problem and doing something about it. Made me feel a whole lot better!

[lillymarlene]

I told my parents, too, and a friend who had given me the idea. It's always good to have at least one person to talk to everyday as you make this journey.

I sure agree with that. I also told a close friend since highshool, and my brother. I've also been a member of a couple of 12 step groups in the past and you can apply that "way of life" to anything. I could not see going through this process without some type of support system.

[drowning123]

I told my parents, too, and a friend who had given me the idea. It's always good to have at least one person to talk to everyday as you make this journey.

[onthefence]

BG,

I just spotted your thread, and let me say I am sorry that things are bumpy with your wife right now. And, as others have said, this is a journey that gets better with time.

My DH and I filed CH7 BK last September. Our situation had some similarities to yours. I was the bill payer in the house. I stayed home with the kids and he worked. We both used the cards, not for toys, but lets be honest, we both made some bad decisions, and in addition used the cards to keep our business afloat. We seemed to be robbing Peter to pay Paul every single month, and the debt accumulated. Then, DH lost his job and our side business had stopped bringing in any money months before that. I could not sleep, eat, or really focus on anything. I was pulled into this vortex of worry, guilt, shame, hopelessness, etc. I did not want to burden him with the stress, too, so I kept it all to myself.

I too reached out to my Higher Power and the answer came to me - through a google ad - I swear. I had been praying on giving me guidance on what to do, how to handle our situation. And the next morning I signed into my email, and there was the ad. This was the first time I had considered bankruptcy. I always thought that going bankrupt was a losers way out, a way to play the system. Then I started doing some research - and found this glorious forum! I don't post alot, but I read ALOT! This bunch of folks are so knowledgeable and caring - a real support system! And I needed it because I joined the forum and did all of my researching about bankruptcy before I spoke to my DH about it. It was really hard for me - took me about a week to get up the courage - I even saw a lawyer before I talked to him about it.

Needless to say, he was shocked at the suggestion. Furious that I had not said anything to him about our situation. And he was right. Although he had knowledge of our debt, he did not know the exact number and how tough it had gotten to pay all of the bills. We had a VERY tense month or so, until after our 341 meeting. He then told me that he was upset with me for keeping the money situation from him because it wasn't fair to me to shoulder all of the stress. That we are in this marriage as a team, for better or for worse.

I will say now that our marriage is stronger than ever, but we did have our biggest bumpy patch at this time last year. And we now pay bills together, as I realized that by trying to keep the burden to myself, it was unfair to him because he had no idea about our finances at all - and being clueless is a whole other kind of stress.

Hang in there. Your wife will get over the initial shock, and hopefully start showing you more support soon.

While I can't think of anyone who didn't freak out during their bankruptcy, I also can't think of anyone who regrets their decision.

Come here often - the support is enormous!

[keepsmiling]

First thing I did was tell my parents. It wasn't easy and I expected boatloads of criticism.
Instead, my mom sent over a bunch of food

[OhioFiler]

You guys how did you clear your mind? This is a 24/7 battle. Starting to get the chest stress and headache. What would you guys do to get away in your mind?

Get some Xanax. It's available in generic form now.

[donnao]

I agree with all these great people here, you took the first big step from the constant downward spiral. My prayers are with you and your family. Your wife, I believe will come around, she just needs time. Don't beat yourself up anymore, stay focused on what you need to do for yourself. I've been through divorce, a heroin addicted child, a child that survived cancer, (same one) a separation and claimed bankruptcy twice in my life, thought my life was over. But faith, good friends and support made me realize, I'm worth the battle, take care of you first, and have faith!

[StartinOver]

One of the things that I found most comforting, although I too found my thought going directly to my BK mess whenever I was awake, was to think about how grateful I was that when we finally realized we could not fix this by being bull-headed and "just doing something", that the law provides bankruptcy. I looked at it this way - when we were simply not living up to our agreements because we now owed so much more than we could ever pay, we were no longer abiding by the law. By filing the bankruptcy and going through that process that will legally strip away what we cannot pay, as long as we learn from this experience and are able to ensure we don't have this experience ever again through our own bad choices, we are being washed clean and we'll be law-abiding thereafter. This is supported Biblically. In Bible times, every fifty years, there was Jubilee, which freed the indentured and gave a fresh start. (See Leviticus 25:10 and the verses following.) It applied across the board to all the people, and multiple references to "not oppressing" each other. That sure sounds like debt forgiveness to me and it comes with a big celebration.

We may not be able to prevent our thought going right to this subject right now, but we can immediately arrest our thinking and "bring it into captivity" and focus that thought on that subject to be forward looking. There's no point in circling the drain and staring down in the black hole. Because you are not going there, if you will look up and out and think rightly. There's a lovely set of instructions by Paul to the Corinthians at chapter 10. The point of it is that although there is temptation to think badly (and to act according to our bad thinking) we can take charge of our thinking and think in the right direction.

One of the best things I have found for those middle of the night wake up in fright things that happened a lot when I had not yet accepted our need to BK to get freedom, was to consider this night terror as a wakeup call for an "appointment with God," in the stillness of the night. I wanted to get sleep so I could be useful during the day. Trying to figure anything out in the middle of the night was crazy... I needed something to calm me so I could get back to sleep. I needed to find reasons to feel good, and to me that has always meant finding what I'm grateful for in the situation, and holding those ideas in my thought.

Since my biggest focus was on an issue that it appeared dead obvious we would lose our home, which I had worked long and hard to make it what it is, and loved it in a most visceral way, I found myself needing to go right to basics - what could I be grateful for about this mess? In this process, I had lost a job, and I realized that if I did this BK right and surrendered my home, I could change careers to something which will pay very low to start but will be most fulfilling to me. It was hard to be grateful for that, most of the time. But like the little monkey with his fist stuck in the cookie jar, I could not have my freedom while holding on to the cookie! I prayed to recognize that giving up my hold on the house was going to free me to serve God in this new career and that he will take care of his servant. (And how true this is proving! Both my husband and I have jobs we feel fulfilled by, and we're working to make our crazy scheduled life work for us. But best of all, instead of having a crater of debt, we have this amazing thing called a "SAVINGS ACCOUNT" and... every month we can put money in it and we do!)

All the best to you - you can destress when you find even the tiniest things to be grateful for. And remember what Jesus said right at the end of Matthew 11. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

[AngelinaCatHub]

Blackgoose, when you get back from work or whatever you have to do today, please observe the amount of pages and count the amount of readers who don't necessarily post a reply. My point is: Everyone counts. Everyone affects people around themselves even if you cannot see it. A smile, a kind word, could make or break the day for another person. I call it the "ripple effect".

Total strangers to you are in concern and interest on your behalf, yet they set their own troubles aside to aid your pain. This alone will build your confidence up to address your wife "civilly", admit the mistake you have made then tell her "I now am prepared to fix it", and get yourself a BK lawyer. Stop paying all cards, and use that month's payments to retain one. After you file here is what will happen for you in about three months. http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.ph...d=1#post544726
'Hub

[frogger]

You guys how did you clear your mind? This is a 24/7 battle. Starting to get the chest stress and headache. What would you guys do to get away in your mind?

We informed our close family and a few of our closest friends, which became the support group that my wife and I needed. Everyone around us saw the stress that we were under before making our decision to file and were 100% supportive of us filing and starting our new life.

They supported us then, they support us now, and they see the positive difference that bk has made in our lives. Life ain't perfect, but we now have peace.

[keepsmiling]

Lots of great people and ideas here.
I was going to suggest the list making too. Helps me sort out my thoughts and it's sooo satisfying to check things off.

[oregonpilot]

Isn't it great VY....such caring n love and concern . I just want to hug everyone
I wish i could take away the pain.. BG...it will be OK.

[ValleYum]

I just gotta say "I love this place and all you people!!!"

[oregonpilot]

ahhhh my friend...

more or less???? too funny