file BK without spousal approval.

[AngelinaCat]

Dearest Daughter Kathy: I am glad to see that you are home. You are amongst friends and supporters here. Remember that!!!

You will need to meet with your sponsors continually for some while--each case is different. Eventually you WILL confess to them how much debt you actually owe to the scumbags.

Once you can actually say the amount out-loud to another person, THAT is when your really true healing will start. I assure you; you will NOT shock your sponsors. They have already been there and done that.

One baby-step that I told you of, is the fact that you found this Forum, and you started sharing your problems with us. We are your supporters, and your friends.

You are starting on your Healing Journey. We are here with you.

[Pjmax]

You'll start talking about it (to your sponsor) soon enough, you know you have to, when you're ready. You've taken some big steps in the last week. You're doing good! Meanwhile, vent away!

We know you're not a bad person. Good people get into trouble too. I'm so glad you're checking in here every night, some of us worry until we see you've posted.

[AngelinaCat]

Kathy, I am so happy that you are home now.

I do have to say that I must break your long post up into smaller paragraphs so that it is easier to read.

I will repeat, I am so glad to see that you are home. You are doing well.

[kathyc02124]

Just got home. Stopped off and had a few drinks after work with some of my coworkers.

My husband has an early flight out in the morning so went to bed early. None of my co-workers know of any of my financial troubles. I find it comforting that I can socialize with them and none of my problems come up.

My husband pays little attention to me even though I try to entice him and please him. He goes to bed early and stays on "his" side of the bed.

I had lunch with my sponsor this afternoon. We talked for about an hour, then I had to return to work. We are going to a meeting tomorrow afternoon. I'm looking forward to going. It's a closed meeting.

I'm not able to talk to my husband, my co-workers and even my sponsor about my debt. I don't know what to do about it? I'm not talking about my credit card debt. I want to chapter 7 or 13 so bad because that would free up money that I can use to pay of this other debt that is the route of all my problems right now.

Sometimes I want to scream. I have serious trouble that no one knows about. And that I can not tell anyone about.

Do not EVER owe these people money. Because they want more than money in return. You are ok as long as you don't miss a payment. But the rules change whenever they feel like ti anyway, so there is no good way out. Believe me , payday loans people are a pleasure to talk to even when I am behind. They rant and rave but I can deal with that.

I have run up a lot of debt. I don't even know how or why, all I know is I owe a lot of money. To a lot of credit card companies and when I ran out of them, I met a few people that extended credit real easy. And thinking about how my husband makes good money and I can "do this" based on his bank account, until he shut me off? But by then I already had the fever . And when he shuts me off, and someone else offers me more cash, I took it.

I never meant to do any of this. This isn't me. I'm NOT a bad person. I never meant any harm to anyone. If only I could have done a chapter 7, all would have been good. And no one would have ever known of my dirty secrets? I never asked for this.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I am so sorry for bringing you into my troubles. But I need someone that I can talk to and I so much appreciate this board and all of you that listen to me.

[AngelinaCat]

Hi Kathy. It is 9:30 by my clock here. Please let us know that you are home safe and sound.....

[angel7821]

Kathy just wanted to pop in and say I hope you have a great weekend.

[angel7821]

It's a new day so forget about yesterday for that is gone. Do something special for yourself it will make you feel better.

[pamkev]

Kathy,
Here's to a sunshine day and fine one thing to be grateful for. It can be as simple as being able to breath

Pam

[AngelinaCat]

Kathy, you made it home safely, and are talking with us. We are here with you! You WILL make it! {{{{{{HUGGSS}}}}}}

[kathyc02124]

I want to be normal.

[kathyc02124]

I agree with the posters above. When feeling stress breath slowly, take a walk. Remind yourself you are not the first or the last to go through this.

Please come back and vent all you want, when I was going through issues with my son I found a message board like this (only it was one dealing with trouble kids) it was my saving grace to be among people who understood.

Listen to the birds chirp today, feel the sunshine on your face and know you will get thought this

Had lunch with my sponsor. That was a huge help to me. I can see that my sponsor and myself are going to become very close. Got off from work and wanted to be alone.

Went to a bar that I don't normally stop at after work, but wanted to have some time by myself. Since I feel all alone, I want to be alone. Had 2 drinks and sat in a corner booth. Thought about my situation. Held my hand up and snapped my fingers to get the waitress's attention and ordered a 3rd drink. She asked me if I wanted a 4th, since she is getting busy. I realize then that maybe I am liking drinking a little too much.

My usual day the past few months has been to stop off for drinks with friends after work on the days my husband is away. And the drinks give me power to gamble and win big. And if I follow through and head for foxwoods, they give me free drinks as long as I sit at the machines. All the drinks I want. As long as I play the machines.

And I can get more money at the ATM machine that has a limit and also a $4 charge. So I have to use it several times, at $4 each time, rather than one big one. And then they feed me so many drinks, on top of the several drinks I have already had before I even got there. And when I finally run out of money from the ATM and I get shut off, yet I am feeling very good, there is a very friendly man that will buy me another drink and will encourage me to not stop because the odds are in my favor, I "have" to hit soon.

And he loans me as much money as I ask for. Don't worry....it's going to hit, awwww, you just missed it by one number. Try it again, you are so close. Don't be foolish, you will get back 5 times what I am charging. Just ask my friends here, they will tell you I am ok. Oh wait, you lost again? Don't worry, I can back you.

Oh it's 4 am and you need to get home? But you are not feeling good? I'll drive you home. Give me your keys and your address. Don't be silly, I'll get you home.

[pamkev]

I agree with the posters above. When feeling stress breath slowly, take a walk. Remind yourself you are not the first or the last to go through this.

Please come back and vent all you want, when I was going through issues with my son I found a message board like this (only it was one dealing with trouble kids) it was my saving grace to be among people who understood.

Listen to the birds chirp today, feel the sunshine on your face and know you will get thought this

[Pjmax]

With all this stress, it would probably be a good thing to be extra concerned about your physical health. Go to a gym, take some long walks, eat and drink healthy. Your stress levels will catch up to your body before you know it, so maybe go a little overboard for awhile with extra vitamins, health foods, herbal teas instead of alcohol, etc. Your body is going to need some extra attention to give you the mental strength to get through this.

We can't predict how things will turn out down the road, but concentrate on your recovery, your health and being the person you deserve to be, and your life will only get better. ValleYum's list idea is a good one. Maybe start out every morning with a written list or a plan of anything and everything you want to do for the day. It's good to have long-term goals, but right now, for you, it's one day at a time, and every day without gambling is an accomplishment.

And, use those phone numbers if you need to. You are not alone. I know it feels that way, but don't hesitate to reach out to your sponsors, I'm sure they had numbers to call when they were starting on this path, they understand.

You're in my thoughts, take care.

[ValleYum]

Oh, Kathy.... sometimes it seems that we hit rock bottom before we can rise above our challenges. Challenges we brought upon ourselves are even worse and rock bottom is filled with more jagged rocks, too.

You CAN absolutely do this. Will it be easy? No. Will everything work out perfectly? Probably not. Will your life be better if you stop gambling and get yourself back on track? ABSOLUTELY.

When I get a panic/anxiety "attack", I start making lists and setting goals. Have you ever tried this? It sounds simplistic, but there is something calming and positive about it for me. So, let's see..... What is your first goal? Going to another GA meeting? Start that list, girlfriend, and let's see if it will work for you. Stress can make you sick if it doesn't kill you first!

How 'serious' is your scary creditor? Like broken leg serious? Could you (or do you) work a second job to try to pay him off?

Hang in there Kathy - this is the most important (and best) thing you can do for yourself and you have a lot of cheerleaders here. A lot. Take care.

Valle~

[kathyc02124]

I've never been so alone in my life. I have my sponsor that I can call, 2 sponsors that both told me to call 24 hours, even in the middle of the night. My husband is so cold. I have hurt him. My work I have let down for I am supposed to be on the road and I make up reasons why I miss appointments. My whole life is lies. Don't take this wrong, I am not at witts end or anything. I am just really let down with what I have done with my life. I know this sounds self fulfilling, I'm not looking for sympathy, don't take it that way. I made my bed. No one led me here. But I am alone. And I am scared. And I deserve everything I feel right now. I'm thousands of dollars involved with people and there is no way out. I had a dream that bankruptcy was an easy way out but it can't come true. My husband is going to leave. How would he not? I had a career in nursing. He is a pilot for american airlines. We had a future. I tossed it all away. And that is ok, we all make mistakes. But this one, I cannot correct. When I tried, I borrowed money from people because my husband gave up and would not give me money anymore. I was forced to do things people would not want to meet. The tangled web we weave?